Eve, I don't think he gets it. It's a lost cause.



I hope his "delightfully plump", "wonderfully curvy" fiancee gets out now. One day she might not quite fit within the defined parameters, whether by her own choice or not, and get called a "huge quivering immobile jelly". Hope she has a large frying pan and the car keys to hand when that happens.

Wreckless, I'm not quite sure why your emphasis on the need for these women to be in relationships?

You didn't appear to have considered whether or not Xutjja herself wanted a relationship with that client of hers you mentioned. You made it sound as if it would be just a question of him needing to offer, at which point she would gratefully and unquestioningly accept!

I don't understand why you feel someone should wait until they are in "a loving caring relationship" before they gain weight. You also seem to assume that they would only need or want to sell clips whilst single. It might be that someone in a relationship still wished or needed to sell clips for a variety of reasons in any event (financial, own gratification, etc).

You may on reflection also feel that your enthusiasm for BBWs pole-dancing in a club is slightly incompatible with your opinions about the first lady you mention, who in your view should lose weight. The first group are "acceptably big" to you, but the other lady is "unacceptably big". The interplay of reasons why someone big becomes bigger are extremely complex. Losing weight is not just a matter of deciding to quit eating burgers (as if you've made a decision you will no longer wear pink). However you're happy to endorse the "big" but condemn the "really big" without any examination of what happens in between - factors psychological, physical, environmental and financial, in a usually highly complex and inextricable way.

Worth a gander: well-written article about having a weight-gain fetish:

thestranger.com/seattle/having-my-cake-and-eating-it-too/Content

My favourite quote was:

"The first time somebody made me come, it was completely by accident. I was 19, and we were walking down Pine Street as she told me at length how over the past year she had gotten too fat to fit into her favorite jeans. "What's wrong?" she asked me when I stopped abruptly. I told her I had a foot cramp. Then I suggested we get pizza."

Hehe.

I think you've got to consider what's going through the minds of the other people in the chat room. If they don't instantly recognise you as someone who they've enjoyed chatting with before, they are probably going to wait to see what you have to say for yourself. Either that or you get overlooked because when it's busy you tend only to follow the thread of the conversation you're locked into, rather than following every entry that scrolls past.

There's always a bunch of people on the list who never chat, so I assume they are either involved in one or more private chats, or they are deliberately lurking to observe rather than take part. So I don't tend to go up in their grill and go "HI" but wait till they get involved.

Also remember that it isn't any one person's job to make sure everyone in the room is having a good time. I get annoyed sometimes when I go in and it's silent. I feel as if it's my duty to say "hi, how's everyone's day, hey nice pics, so what did you have for lunch, wow nice gain in your recent pics" etc etc. So other times I refuse to do that because I know I only do it out of weird misplaced British anxiety that it's my fault if everyone's not happy, and the room remains silent or the two people who were already having a discussion about World of Warcraft carry on with that.

If everyone seems to be chatting and ignoring you, remember they aren't hosting a party. It's not their "job" to make you feel included. If you think of it from their perspective, they might feel comfortable talking to those they know and trust and have already built up a rapport with. Because it's not their "duty" to welcome you, you can't assume they are going to go out of their way/out of their comfort zone to talk to someone they don't already know.

Also, if 3 people make a funny/wise/interesting comment at the same point during a conversation, I'm not going to have the chance to comment on each. It doesn't mean I haven't read it and appreciated it.

Remember, every one of those people all chatting to each other were newbies in the chat room at some point.

If someone ignores a direct comment to them, remember they might have looked away from the screen for a minute or gone away to make a cuppa. It's unlikely they're ignoring you deliberately, although obviously there are sometimes rude people, as Eve points out.

At first, because I wasn't used to internet chat rooms, I was slow to realise that people have lives aside from what you see on the screen. They may be juggling a few real-life things at the same time or carrying on multiple conversations/videochats in rooms you can't see.

I have to say my first impressions were much like yours. I felt like everyone knew each other and were in cliques. However it didn't take long to get integrated, and later I discovered they don't really necessarily all know each other that well and what I had taken as a clique isn't that at all, it might just appear that way if you're paranoid.

However for whatever reason I decided that it was probably my fault, not theirs, for not being interesting enough or cunning enough to get their attention, or that I was using the wrong etiquette, or that I'd blundered clumsily into a conversation when I should have stood by and listened first.

Funny how some people take the stance that others don't appreciate them. I wonder if you could change your outlook a bit? Rather than blaming them (the whole population of a chat room is unlikely to be at fault), could you consider: what can I do to get strangers to like me? What can I do to fit in? Can I try other approaches? What are they thinking about my method of chat and if negative, how can I improve on it?

spontaneity
atrocious

It's called empathy.

Thanks for proving my point re your not liking criticism. Now imagine how irritating it is for someone to have the same reaction to comments about their size as you do about your posts...!

My mother always taught me: "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all."

Now I think she's right when it comes to comments about people's appearance. Not, however, when it comes to making sure people are speaking reason and not nonsense. So here goes.

1. By posting photos on here, the subjects are not necessarily inviting comment. They are not posting photos FOR you. They are posting them for them. To suggest that they should expect to have to take the rough with the smooth rather implies that posting photos is an act of service for others' pleasure, and at the same time an invitation to others to foist their opinions upon the subject. It might help to draw the distinction between unwanted and unsolicited criticism and being pleasant, supportive and inclusive. The first type of comment is hardly ever wanted, necessary or polite. I obviously am not talking about those on the site who openly invite being told they've got far too fat and are very very naughty LOL.

2. Issues of weight are extremely fraught in our society. Just because you have plucked up the courage, in a fat-positive environment, to post pictures of yourself on this website does not mean you have completely transcended the guilt, shame, embarrassment, humiliation, feelings of constant scrutiny and value-judgments about your worth as a person, etc, that the rest of society faces when people look at them and make a comment about their weight or other aspect of their appearance. For some gainers/feedees there is a wish to be bigger and feelings of upset can be triggered that they have not achieved that yet. For big women who have come to self-acceptance or are on their way there, there are still times when they doubt. Because the whole of our society (except FF and a few other sites) is throwing those judgments at you FULL TIME. I need not emphasise that in general this is worse for women than men. Women's appearance and perceived attractiveness is very much bound up with judgments of their worth. If you take this all into account, perhaps it might be wise to tread carefully when making comments about wanting to see someone pack on a few more pounds because then they'd be super gorgeous. Yes, you have a right to say that if you want to. But... wtf. Don't be so careless of others' emotions.

3. Clive says for example that if someone posted a comment about his weight he'd react in one of a number of ways but wouldn't really mind. From my observations of his reactions to being questioned about his words in these forums I sincerely doubt that. He doesn't like it when people disagree with him or doubt what he says. He has to come back with rebuttals in an attempt to prove them wrong. Now if that's the case with mere argument and opinions, what would it really be like if someone criticised his appearance? Or maybe those of you who, like Clive, think it would be fine to suggest someone put on a few more pounds, should try to think of a parallel situation. Imagine you've been criticised, impliedly or overtly, about something you really really fecking care about and get a bit hypersensitive about. Whether it's your art work, your bringing up of your children, a cake you spent hours making, whatever. Horrible, isn't it? That's how some people feel when suggestions are made that they change their appearance.

4. The OP has explained how she feels. She's entitled the thread "venting". I reckon she's pretty annoyed and upset. You can't tell her she shouldn't be feeling that. Her feelings are real and valid.

@ Clive, no I don't think "a rebuttal is in order", since my reasons remain my reasons. They are valid for me and others and I'm delighted for you that they don't apply to you. Now quit quibbling, or it will start to get boring.