Adiprose:
Like many here, I first identified as a feeder, had "weird" thoughts imagining myself being fat, and tried to reject/suppress these feelings for years. The urges always come back...and now I know I'm really committed.
While fighting these urges, I attempted to bulk and gain muscle. I'm very thin, and I wanted a conventionally attractive, "bodybuilder" body. However, I failed consistently: I worked out during most of this time, but I could never eat enough.
I didn't have the motivation to eat so much clean food to give myself a body that *others* wanted, but I did not want.
Now, I have realized that I won't gain anything if I become muscular. I don't want to be thin and muscular. I want a soft, unique, unusual body that is huge.
The thought of eating anything that I want doesn't feel like short-sighted recklessness anymore, it feels like a perfectly valid choice for my body.
But the biggest shift for me is realizing just how much safer I'll feel knowing that, even if I wanted to, I could never become fit and muscular with no bodyfat. It would grant me so much release to know that letting it go was all that I could do and was absolutely the right choice. The permanence of it would fill me with warmth.
Does this resonate with anyone else?
As someone whose culture prefers thick, curvy women and built men, I find this fascinating.
I mean, I get what you are trying to say. You are bucking the beauty standards of your culture to do what makes you happy. And that's a good, wonderful thing that I think everyone should strive for.
However, be careful not to trade one beauty standard for another because the feedist community has its own beauty standards. And I have seen many a feedee/gainer tie themselves up in knots for not meeting this standard. Enjoy your body for what it is, and do not compare yourself to others.
