All of my life I’ve felt exactly like that. It was as if two versions of myself lived inside me: one that wants to feel how it’s like to become morbidly obese and one that wants to be muscular and lean and athletic and that has health as his first priority. Both of them hate each other and think the other one is categorically wrong, and give me very compelling arguments about why this is true.

When I was 23 I got a golden opportunity to make it true and become obese. I moved to another country far from home and knew nobody there. I could become anyone, it was suddenly a real opportunity that that part of me that’s obese could become my reality. Sort of over through the fit one as ruler of my body. But I didn’t do it. As I started meeting people I started to feel ashamed that they would know that I had gone from fit to fat, as opposed as to meeting them already fat.

At 25 I went back home, and all my insecurities about people watching me get fat came back at their fullest. But when I started smoking weed more than just a metaphor I felt literally like when I was sober I’d identify as the fit version and when I was high I’d identify as the one who’s life motivation is to become morbidly obese.

Then during the pandemic I had another golden chance, this time it was becoming socially acceptable and expectable to see people balloon up to bariatric levels when they’d been slim or fit all their lives. If I had become obese then, it would’ve been literally the best timing to make it happen because then I could’ve stayed obese all my life and it wouldn’t be weird. But I didn’t. I became obsessed with staying fit and exercising because I didn’t want to be one of those people that allowed themselves to become obese. Seriously, so much of this fear we have to be fat is completely social, we’ve been engineered to think and feel like this, it’s not fair.

At 31 I moved countries again, and although I already knew some people here, I was yet to meet most of the people that would become my friends. So after two golden opportunities utterly and absolutely WASTED, from my leanest and most fit self in my whole life after having obsessed with exercise for years, I actively started gaining. I’m chubby now, overweight and jiggly, but people still tell me that I don’t look chubby at all. Only when someone touches my moobs or my belly then their first reflex is to squish them. So for most of the people there’s no way of telling how chubby I am, I live mostly a slim person life.

Now my objective is to become morbidly obese. I am concerned about my health as well, but the truth is that you can stay mostly healthy if you gain slowly. You can alternate times in which you actively gain with other in which you exercise more and eat healthier. Over time you will gain, but giving your body time to adapt. And you can stop at any time, and I think the point of equilibrium is around my size, in the middle between overweight and obese according to my BMI, where I get to feel fat but look slim.

So just some ideas and experience dealing with this. It feels horrible to be torn apart as if you were two people instead of one. I found it to be true for myself that accepting my desire to become fat was the healthiest option when I considered also my mental health. It’s easy to dismiss that, it was especially like that for me when I was younger. After 10 wasted years I realised that the older I get, the more vulnerable I’ll be and the more fit I’ll need to be. and of course ideally I should start getting leaner some years before an old age, so at some point I’m gonna have to stop or at least lower my being obese. So the sooner I start, the more time of life I’ve got to be obese. These are just my feelings and my ideas, but I thought they might interest you or others in the same situation.

It's SO MUCH better than KFC!

Absolutely! I do this all the time since i was a teenager. It´s true, with practice you can learn to change anything in your dreams. For me the difficult part is actually letting go of control to avoid waking up. Basically, if you start to control the dream too much, you will transition into been completely conscious.

I find keepinga balance to be an exercise analogous to avoiding ejaculating, when you get too carried away you have to calm down and let go of your desires to last longer, but not too much that you lose the grip on actively doing something.

I’ve always had the same about being praised for being slender. My family, my friends, everyone has complemented me on that in the past. I used to deny that I wanted to be fat, but after at least more than 20 years of denying myself the right to be how I wish to be because I’m afraid to lose that praise, I’ve realised that life is too short not to be who I feel I am in the inside. So I agree, I’ve also wished I could get rid of this, but embracing who I am is being more helpful than it is traumatising.

Crema de leche, quizás la conoces como nata.

es.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crema_de_leche

Heavy cream es la version más grasosa, más completa, pero es el nombre en EEUU, en Inglaterra se le dice Double Cream.

So it’s not milk with anything added, it’s the cream that forms on top of the milk, which is used to make butter.

In my case, openly trying to get fat isn’t something I can do at home, so I have to eat in secret. I love going out to McDonald’s or Burger King, and try to do it every day if possible, but it is expensive! If I could just stock food at home and cook and make gainer shakes, I’m sure I could pack on many more calories daily!

Or you could say: “wow! I used to wear that exact same outfit a year ago! Size 8 right?”

You know I can't really call myself fat, but I have gained and lost a few times by now, even if not that much. I also feel more comfortable when I weight more, more sex drive, better sex performance, and just pleasure from feeling my expanded body, like feeling rolls over my legs for example.

The difference with me is that I don't "let myself go". and I don't control myself to be fit. My nature is to tend to be fit and gaining is extremely demanding and tiresome. Still I've managed to put on some pounds, and everytime I've gained I've felt better with myself, even if it's been uncomfortable to hear degrading comments from loved ones.

I also have an existential contradiction between my desire to become obese and loving to exercise. So far I've don the latter, so now I'm focusing on getting fat haha

Hi! Have you considered asking him if he'd want to fatten you? Maybe once you get that going, you can mention mutual gain.

You sound very honest with yourself about what you want though, thats great! I think you'll find a chance to talk to him about it if it's about feeding you first.