chapter 2

Somehow once I had passed through the 280 pound threshold, I found being morbidly obese became a constant factor in almost everything I did. It was the first thing that people register about me and often disapprovingly. I could tell by their looks that people were judging me as I walked into a room or met people for the first time. I could feel their critical stares when I sat down to eat in a fast food restaurant. Yes, I ate more than the normal person so my tray would be heavily laden, which I could sense earned instant criticism. "No wonder he is that size", I could feel people thinking. I could no longer help my portion sizes or the euphoria I experience when I have finished a substantial meal being fully satisfied but yet not bloated. Over the years my appetite had simply grown and with it a craving for food, particularly fast food. It had become an addiction and like other addictions I needed increasing amounts of food to derive the same arousing pleasure from eating it.

Now I really appreciated the stigma of being fat and people's unsympathetic attitude towards the obese. Although much went unsaid, it was still transmitted clearly enough. But not everything was unspoken. Some were insensitive enough to offer their advice and opinions unasked. Obesity was associated with being unhealthy even though there was nothing wrong with my health and my mental wellbeing had definitely improved over the years of gaining. Why a perfect stranger felt it necessary to suggest that I go on a diet, I do not know? Others even thought that they had an open invitation to prod or pat my distended belly, even if it was meant to be a friendly gesture. Have you noticed how many newspaper articles feature someone who has lost a massive amount of weight. The mail online has one at least once a week. The loss of weight is described as a triumph. It earns widespread praise. The person has re-joined the normal world, taken control of their lives again and regained their health and self esteem. What are the implications? If you are very fat you must have left the normal world, lost basic control of your life, be by implication unhappy and demonstrably unhealthy. You are some kind of misfit and, if not that, always an object of pity. But the shaming nature of being massively overweight , the constant erosion of my feelings of self esteem and self confidence, even if much of it was not deliberate, is for me one of the enduring attractions of being morbidly obese. This was one of the motivations for my obsession from the start. I wanted to experience everything an obese person experienced, including all the negative aspects. And I am certainly doing that now.

Talking about newspaper reports, a video in the mail online showed a group of obese men and women walking down the beach wearing just their bathing costumes. Imagine! The blurb underneath congratulated them for their courage. What was it really telling us? Quite sensibly obese people hide their bodies away because their condition is unnatural and an aberration so it went without saying that they should have every reason to be ashamed by the way they look The acceptance of their aberrant physical appearance in public was nonetheless a brave public demonstration. But the fact is it is not unnatural to be obese. We are designed that way to exploit conditions of plenty. In times of hardship obese people, endomorphs, are likely to fare much better than ectomorphs. We carry plenty of reserves. It is a matter of survival. Increasingly adults in the Western world are either over-weight or obese. A growing percentage of school children are already in this category and after a certain age a majority of adults. How can such a large group be anything but normal? And why should they suffer the condescension from those who promote an idealised world populated by only those with beautiful bodies? That's the scandal; how dare they suggest we should not be walking down the beach, naked except for our swimming costumes!

Sometimes I caught a reflection of myself in a mirror or shop window and was surprised how large I looked: surprised but inwardly happy. My size was now always a factor in how I related to the world. Could I sit there? Could I squeeze into that? How many flights of steps are there? Will the seat belt fit? Will there be an aisle seat at the cinema? I hope the room will not be too hot. I was also more careful in what I did. I was more likely to bump into things in a narrow space. Remember fat people are also clumsy. They cannot help it or so the popular conception goes. That happens when you lose control over your body. For some time I could no longer see my feet over my stomach so I avoided uneven terrain where possible. I also knew that with my weight a fall was likely to cause me more serious injury than when I was thin So I moved more cautiously. I enjoyed these constant reminders of being fat. There is something very comforting rubbing your belly or feeling it rest on your lap when you sit down. The pleasure I derived from being obese was also a real encouragement to gain more. At every higher weight I enjoyed the experience more.

Even the constant nagging by my mother and snide remarks from my sisters provided a strong incentive to become larger. In response I said that I did not mind my weight. I was happy with it which was true. I said dieting had not worked, I just found that I put on more, which was untrue. "Look at you!", my mother would say implying that being morbidly obese was something unnatural and grotesque. "Look at what?", I would reply laying down a challenge. "Your size", she would reply. "There is nothing wrong with my size. Stop going on about it", I would answer knowing inside that more than there being nothing wrong with my size, there was everything right about it as far as I was concerned.

I also realised that being morbidly obese had definitely affected my employment prospects. I changed jobs about five years ago. At that time I was obese but not particularly out of the ordinary. Thankfully we live in an increasingly obese world. So we have cover. However, I know now that I am much fatter that I would struggle in a job interview. Although I work harder than most of my colleagues, am well qualified for the job and seldom, if ever take a day off work sick, that is not how I would be perceived. If you are very fat you are almost by definition a fat, lazy slob in the eyes of many and are bound to suffer health issues as a result of your gluttony and greed. Those are three deadly sins for a start: gluttony, greed and sloth, although in my case, while not slothful, I am also lustful and envious of the obese, which are the principal motivators for a gainer like me. So I am not only to be pitied and shamed; I am a bad person too apparently.

Also, the health issues that supposedly come from being fat and out of condition are entirely of my own making and I do not really deserve medical care to address them. Again there are regular suggestions in the press and on television from leading medical specialists that NHS care should be withheld from the obese until they see sense, get a grip on their lives and lose weight. So I am beyond medical help too! This is made abundantly clear on my occasional visits to the doctor. No visit fails to be accompanied by a lecture on losing weight. The fat person is made to think he is a pariah in the doctor's surgery and not really worthy of treatment as any ailment is self-inflicted. I appreciate that there are long term health conditions that are associated with obesity even though many obese people do not suffer from them. Many thin people also suffer from these conditions, so there must be other factors at play too. I may be dealt a hand that results in my having in the future a chronic medical condition which requires constant medication to treat. If that happens to me, I will accept it. This too is part of being obese and , as I have said, I want to experience all of it and, if bad health is my lot, bad health as well...