doomed by the right decision.

There might be some time between chapters, or not, but there will be more and it will get dark.

I never really liked being fat, or wanted to be fat. I still don't.

I was 19 when I first met my partner, not at my heaviest but still objectively fat--somewhere around 230 pounds and short. I had been obese most of my life, but yo-yoed throughout childhood. I was "thinnest" my freshman year of highschool, at around 180. Upon meeting my partner I had just come down from my heaviest, right below 300 pounds; a number terrified me at the time.

Standing naked in front of a mirror on the day that I reached my heaviest, I didn't see ugliness, but what looked back at me was frightening. I would proclaim to everyone that I loved my body, and needed to make changes for health reasons, but looking at myself naked scared me. 300 was a bad number. That's when society starts to see you as just some fat person. I often felt uncomfortable; my back was aching from all the fat hanging down in front of me, pulling at my back. I had what was in theory a big round rear, a big rear, but it was flabby, saggy, and boxy. Not quite as proportionate as my fat front, it didn't counter the weight enough...or maybe what I had just done to myself was causing extra strain. My face was changing. I had gained 50 pounds in less than a year and stretch marks were forming on my gut, hips, upper arms, shoulders, and chest. Always being fat I thought I wouldn't get them so bad, but apparently I was thin skinned. I had cellulite everywhere. I wasn't tight like some other fat people, but saggy and lumpy. This created more jiggling, which I could always feel. Everything about my size was more evident and harder to hide. Parts of me were starting to feel far enough away that it almost felt separate from me.

In spite of all this, I wouldn't say I had hated being that fat, I just wanted someone to love me. I felt being smaller and more active would make that easier to achieve. I also didn't want to die if a heart attack.

I had some problems, though. I was not active. I just wanted to watch TV, read, and code. Or at least I was good at coding and I can could work from home most of the time for my internship. I love seeing nature but hate being in it. I had a slow metabolism and gained weight easily, so not burning calories was a problem.

I was also an addict. Not a gourmand or a foodie, an addict. I liked the taste of food of course, and ate what I liked, but to be honest the taste didn't matter, especially when becoming full to the point where food stops tasting as good. I was a compulsive binge eater. Not only could I graze absent mindedly all day, but when alone and emotionally triggered, or bored, or feeling accomplished, or excited, I would eat one bite after another until the food was gone. The tasting and the chewing weren't important. It was that next swallow. I needed to feel food enter me and fill the hole inside.

So there I was, standing naked in front of the mirror, full, visibly distended, but needing more. I needed someone to tell me to stop; tell me how disgusting the person in the mirror looked right now. Sexually, I was mostly indifferent about my body, but seeing it all in front of me left me feeling exposed, vulnerable. I began thinking of someone with a stronger will than me inspecting the fat that hung furthest from me. Scolding me in a patronizing tone. Like my childhood doctor they might give my fat belly an encouraging pat, making me feel even more exposed before telling me what we'll do to fix this. That doctor is older now, but still very fit. Strict and caring, like a parent, with streaks of grey...I almost sat on my cat as I plopped down in bed to ride out this urge.

I never thought about what had led to my orgasm that day; whether I actively tried not to, I couldn't say. After I came my head became clearer. I felt lonely, afraid, and disgusting. I made a choice and stuck to it, losing about 80 pounds over the next year.

It was painful. There were relapses. I tried to mitigate them by binging on foods that were basically air or water. I went to the gym because there was nothing else I wanted to do for exercise. I hated every moment of it and It never stopped hurting. But in time I felt accomplished, healthy, and confident.

It was that confidence shining through my normal shell that garnered my soon to be lover's sly smile at the office Christmas party. A smile that could make nothing else matter, make everything ok, and eventually, take everything that I am.
8379 views, 26 likes, 11 comments
I still haven't heard back from the site admins, if they exist
someguy041 3 months
I really hope you decide to finish this. To be filled was the best piece of wg literature Ive ever read.
Still waiting for the admin to even get back to me
Definately keep writing more. I feel like this is going to go in a really awesome direction. 😁😁😁
juicy 4 months
I know it would be a huge drag, but at worst you could rewrite the second chapter. Please donít give up...this looks really promising!
I didn't want to have the first and third chapter in here without the second. If the admin can help I'll go on, otherwise there's no point
Emmaa 4 months
Damn I can only see one chapter smiley
Aaaannnnddd I deleted a chapter because the delete botton is right next to the time edit botton and there's no deletion confirmation. I don't suppose anyone saved it?
I'm not sure, one of the chapters glitched. I'll try again, you might see a double later
Why does it say 3 chapters when there are only 2. Good story.