Chapter 14 - returning to earth part 2

Slowly I began offering a giggle at a few things she said. Then I asked a follow up question or two. It was as if I had had a weight of perceived expectation and judgement sitting on top of my shoulders, but the fact that she never once actually required me to participate eventually made me feel calm enough to actually do so.

"Then Trish texted ME to ask if I could pick it up."

"No!" I laughed

"Yes! And I had to come up with some convoluted story of why I couldn't because you can't just say 'This is just a random task we're giving you to get your out of your house so we can decorate it as a surprise celebration!'"

"That's Trish though, of course she would try to get out of doing anything that involves driving."

"Next time I'll just tell her to walk my dog."

It soon felt like old times. It was just two best friends enjoying an afternoon in each other's company, catching up on one another's lives. Granted, I didn't say what was going on in my life, but the sense of comfort was all the same. Time passed quickly and easily, like water running gently through fingers dipped into a calm summer spring. I felt more relaxed and present than I had in months.

Too soon, she was driving me home. We were still chatting and giggling. I noticed, though, that Heather started biting her lip in-between words. She tossed me a few almost sad looking glances. I felt my eyebrows furrow, wondering why the sudden change.

Then we were outside of my apartment building. And for the first time since she busted through my door, Heather was silent.

We sat there a moment, both reveling in each other's company. Both knowing this was where our ritual usually ended.

"Well," she gave me a soft, fleeting smile. "Thanks for coming out. I really can't express how great it was to see you. It's been... It's just been too long."

"No, thank you," I quickly said. "I... I think I needed that. Really."

She drummed her fingers on the steering wheel. I didn't move.

After a beat, she cleared her throat. "Hey, actually, wanna go get dinner?"

A smile broke across my face. "That sounds perfect."

Her smile mirrored mine and we were off. I let her take the lead on where we were going, to be honest I wasn't fully paying attention. I was just enjoying her.

~*~*~*~

My spoon clinked against the bottom of my bowl as I dug into my hot fudge and brownie sundae. It seemed extra huge compared to Heather's small bowl of frozen yogurt, but serving sizes had grown for me over the past few months. Besides I couldn't go to our favorite burger joint and not indulge. How could anyone sit in the warm green booths surrounded by the random Americana paraphernalia decorating the walls and not dig into something meaty and greasy?

And so, indulge I did. I ordered one of their biggest burgers, a side of fries, and an appetizer of nachos. I ate every bite. My stomach was starting to push my yoga pants to their limits. But that had come to feel normal for me. Honestly, it felt freeing to be able to do in front of thin little Heather without feeling any judgement radiating from her at all. She even enjoyed a few beers with me, which for her was an indulgence.

But she didn't act like it was. She sat there as I ordered and ate more calories than I bet she ate all day and didn't flinch. She was there, sitting with me and enjoying my company unconditionally. We just clinked glasses and enjoyed our meals to the extent we wanted to.

And through all the time we spend together, she was still talking. She allowed me to make as many or as few interjections as I wanted and smiling when I did. She was attentive but not expecting, ready to listen or to spin another yarn. She seemed to be as comfortable and unconcerned as a person could be.

"So I took that stupid lighter away from him. I know that's not at all the mature thing to do, but honestly he deserved it and I'm not giving it back. He still thinks he just left it somewhere, by the way."

"Ha, I have no doubt that Chad absolutely deserved it."

Heather smiled and cocked her head in the way she did. "Jess, this is why I missed you so much. You get me. You just do."

I grinned at her.

And then I burst into tears.

I don't know where it came from, I had felt fine the moment before and all of a sudden I was crying into what was left of my sundae.

The next thing I knew, Heather had somehow found space on my side of the booth, though my widened hips took up the majority of the bench.

Her arms draped around me and she did her best to bring me into her. I was a little too large to really fall into her arms, but she gave a heroic effort. She placed her cheek against the top of my head and her thumb gently rubbed my arm.

Still, my tears fell. Ungracefully and unrelenting.

"I-I'm so sorry," I blubbered after a moment, when I finally could get a real breath in my lungs.

"No, no," she cooed. "Jess, it's fine. Whatever it is, let it out. It's ok, just do what you need."

Which, of course, only made me bawl harder.

I don't know how much time had passed, but eventually our waiter returned. He was in his late teens, completely unprepared in terms of how to handle a bawling woman in his booth. He somehow looked at me with combined horror, concern, unease, and confusion.

As my eyes took in the waiter, I noticed there were families and other patrons at other tables looking at me from the corners of their eyes, or even less subtly. I felt myself blush and a growing since of shame began to build. For a moment, I wished I was back at the Chinese restaurant overeating as people stared rather than crying my eyes out.

"Um.... Can I.... can I do something?" he asked with a voice that quite clearly expressed that he very much hoped we'd say no.

I looked down at my hands resting in my lap, tucking myself even more against Heather as if her 105lb frame could somehow hide mine which was more than twice her size.

I felt one of her hands leave my body and she shuffled herself, digging into her back pocket. "Just the check," she said and I assumed she handed him a card.

By the time the receipt was signed, I had been reduced to sniveling. Whatever had overtaken me had mostly passed and I was beginning to get a grip again.

"Let's get you out of here, huh?" Heather said softly and we scooted out of the booth. We walked out with her arm around me, my shoulders slumped and my eyes pointing down so I didn't have to look into the eyes of intrusive restaurant goers.

~*~*~*~

Heather found a street parking spot right outside my building. I toyed with the edge of my shirt, just trying to keep my hands busy. I was feeling so much; vulnerable, embarrassed, overstimulated, defeated...

Heather sat a moment and I knew she was eyeing me. I couldn't return her look.

She opened her door and the car gently rocked as she exited. A few moments later, she was opening my door and offering me a hand. I snorted, looking sheepishly up at her; like she could do much to help my heavy frame out of my seat.

I took her hand anyway.

I moved my feet onto the grass and heaved myself up with a grunt.

Once I was standing, we headed towards the stairs that lead to my front door.

She didn't let go of my hand.

We stepped in silence until we were at the landing before the door. Suddenly, a feeling came over me. Even though I had just thoroughly embarrassed myself in front of her, I didn't want her to leave. There are a small number of people a person can be that vulnerable in front of and still feel like it might have actually been ok.

She was that for me.

"Heather..." I began, rubbing my arm and trying to find words. "I.... Well, just..." I bit my lip, looking down at my feet.

"Thank you," I finally said softly, looking up at her with eyes that were begging her to understand all that I wanted to express with those two words. I wanted to say so much, but that was all that I had to offer. But I felt like if anyone could know what I meant, it was her. That's what best friends were for, right?

She look at me, her eyes searching my face. I didn't know what she was looking for, I wondered what she was thinking.

And then she leaned forward and kissed me.