Chapter 22 - spiral part 1

I trudged up the steps towards my apartment, my body drenched with sweat. I carried the bankers box full of everything personal from my office in shaking arms. My legs felt like they were working their way through molasses as I forced them to propel me slowly forward. My chest rose and fell with shallow breaths as I willed myself up the final few steps towards my door.

Two and a half hours of walking.

I suppose I was lucky; some people lived farther from work. But telling myself I was lucky hadn't made the walk home any easier. It hadn't stopped my face from reddening or the circles of sweat from forming and growing around my neck and armpits.

It also didn't stop peoples' judgmental gazes... which proceeded to make my face that much redder.

The moment I stepped out of work for the last time, I had taken out my phone to call a lyft only to find my phone had been cut out of service. I found on it a new text from my provider, "Service to this phone has been canceled until payments are received. Please call or go to your nearest Verizon store and make a payment to continue your service."

My brow had furrowed the moment I saw the text. My phone had been working earlier that day, I didn't understand how it had gotten cut off.

Then I realized I couldn't remember when last I had made a payment.

I was so lost in the fog of the dungeon that I must have forgotten to pay that bill. Another thing that my mistress had pulled me away from.

My choices had been to turn back into work and sheepishly ask someone if they could call a lyft for me or to huff it home. I had been way too embarrassed to walk back into that office and seem any more sorry than my firing must have made me look, so I began the long walk home.

The shame and embarrassment I felt as I carried my heavy body home seemed to make my body even heavier. With every step, I berated myself for not paying attention to the basics of life. How could I have forgotten to pay my phone bill? How could I have lost so much focus at work? How was it this hard to move my thick legs?

How had I let myself go so much?

The looks of those I passed, with their eye brows raised and lips pursed, seemed to ask the same question.

As I heaved myself up the final step, all I could feel was relief that I was home.

I hadn't slept that night, I had been yelled at and slapped by a dream dominatrix, I had been fired, and now I was returning home from a two hour and a half hour walk home after not exercising for months.

If this wasn't rock bottom, I didn't know what was.

I just wanted to get in my apartment, peel off my sweaty clothes, and fall asleep on my bed.

But I couldn't do that.

Five more days.

There was no question that I couldn't let myself sleep now. I had to make it.

As I shuffled up to my door, I saw a bright orange piece of paper taped to my door. I stepped up to it, the bankers box fell out of my hands and my jaw dropped as I saw the bright red letters spelling out 'EVICTION NOTICE.'

'TO: Jessica Mackley

YOU ARE HEREBY NOTIFIED that your tenancy of the below-described premises is terminated, effective at the end of a seven (7) day period after service on you of this notice....'

My eyes blurred as I skimmed over the rest of the notice, taking in my address there at the bottom which meant it couldn't be a joke.

My tired mind couldn't wrap around it. Evicted? Why? How did I only have seven days? I looked toward my next door neighbor's home, she didn't have the same notice. Neither did the one after.

I hurried over to the door next to mine and quickly rang the bell.

After a moment, Vanessa, the perky blonde I had lived next to for the past two years, answered. "Hello, how can I... Jessica? Is that you?"

"Yeah. Can I use your phone, please?"

"I didn't recognize you for a second! You've, um. You've..." She didn't finish her statement but I knew she was trying to find a nice way of saying 'gotten fat.' Instead she smiled and cocked her head as if to start over. "You ok? You look like you just ran a marathon in your work clothes!"

I was briefly tempted to punch her in the face, but instead I brought my hand up to my forehead and messaged my temples where a headache was budding. Through clinched teeth and with as much civility as I could muster, I explained, "Actually, you are catching me in the middle of a bit of an emergency. Can I please use your phone?"

"Oh of course! Come on in!"

As Vanessa ran to get me some lemonade I didn't ask for and rambled about the weather, I used the cellphone she handed me to call first our landlord, James. I had always been on good terms with him before, I was sure this could be cleared up. At least that's what I was telling myself.

"Hello?"

"Jam es! Hello, it's Jessica Mackley."

"Oh. Hello Jessica..." his voice sounded instantly wary and nervous.

"I just saw the notice posted to my door and I'm really confused. Can I ask what's going on?" I tried to keep my voice as composed as possible, but the lack of sleep and stress was putting strain into it.

"I'm sorry Jessica. I know we've gotten along in the past, but the company that's been paying your rent the past couple of months just called to cancel the last payment-"

"Wait, James.... What company has been paying my rent?"

"You didn't know? That chocolate place - Lumens - has been paying for your apartment the past 3 months."

My mouth went dry. I felt my eyes widen and the color drain from my face. Lumens had been paying *my rent?*

"Jessica, you still there?"

"Uh... um...." was all I could sputter out at first. I physically shook my head to try to clear it. "James, can I please make a payment myself? Can I give you my credit card number over the phone? Please?"

"Jessica, I really wish I could... It really seems crazy, but Lumens is threatening legal action against me if I don't evict you. They... they claim to have something on me, something about the buildings not being up to code. Jessica, I like you, really. But I can't risk a lawsuit. These apartments are my livelihood. I'm sorry, but I can't risk this. I wish there was something I could do but my hands are tied."

I felt numb.

"No... I... I don't want you to get in trouble... Um. Goodbye James," I slowly sputtered before hanging up, barely paying attention to what I said.

I sat there for a moment, trying to breath. But my breaths quickened, my mind spinning, my vision seemed to darken. I knew I was verging on hysterical, but I quickly called Verizon as well.

I soon learned Lumens had been paying my phone bill too.

I didn't even try to make a payment, I just hung up.

"You ok, Jess? You really are looking ill..." Vanessa said and I realized she had sat next to me on the couch. "What's going on? Is there anything I can do?"

"No, Vanessa. I just... I just need to get out of here." I blasted up from my seat and immediately lost my balance. Vanessa caught me just as I was about to fall.

"I don't think you should go, Jess. Maybe I should call someone-"

"No! Please, no... I just need.... I just need..." I didn't finish the sentence before I was out her door and back into the outside landing. I raced back to my apartment, breath wild. I could barely make out the keys as I pulled them out of my pocket and attempted to jam them into my door. On the third try I made it in.

I left the bankers box outside, reaching to turn on the light.

It didn't turn on.

I flicked it again. Again. Again.

Nothing.

No doubt Lumens had been paying my electricity bill.

I collapsed onto the floor, rolling to my side, attempting to bring my legs into myself, my round belly making it a challenge.

I gasped for air, my hands like claws digging into my hair to hold my head steady.

My mind was everywhere, but it landed nowhere. It was like it was just flashing colors, images, feelings with no sense in-between.

I wanted to scream.

I wanted to die right there.

I wanted to eat.

I felt my stomach feeling like it was imploding into itself. I still hadn't eaten, and my whole body seemed to reach for the kitchen as if it would solved every problem that had exploded into my life. But what was in there wasn't really want I wanted. I wanted mushy, thick liquid to slip into my mouth and fill me until I felt safe. I wanted to feel like someone was watching over me, taking care of me, making sure I was never pushed too far.

I dry heaved.

Five more days.

How was that only this morning? How was Heather here only hours ago, sitting on the couch that was now feet from my crumbled body, making me feel like I was finally going to be safe?

How could I feel that now? My mistress had seemed to have found a way to control my waking life. And I hadn't noticed, for months. I hadn't noticed when I stopped making payments on every bill I had. But Lumens had kept me going.

Why? What did she want?

I couldn't keep fighting.

I knew that, as I lay on the floor, my breaths finally beginning to calm as that reality slowly seemed to rack into focus in my head

I couldn't keep fighting. I couldn't win. I couldn't escape.

Did I want to?

Doubt crept into my mind, it's dark fingers slipping into my thoughts and curling around them.

I remembered how much my mistress had loved me. She had, hadn't she? I realized how much she had taken care of me. And I thought she didn't care? Maybe the opposite was true, maybe she just cared too much.

I groaned, squeezing my eyes shut.

Was my brain even thinking straight?

Five more days.

I would lay here for five more days until Heather came home and told me what to do. She could fix this, right? She had to... she had to...

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