Chapter 5

I was crying because I felt terrible. I was so selfish. How could I do this to a model, one as hot as Gabe? It was his livelihood, his career.

I felt like such a weirdo, a weirdo that liked to ruin people’s lives and suck away their hot bodies. I hated it! I hated myself!

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I ruined your life. I took away your career. Please, just don't hate me." He was probably going to hate me. I hated me.

"Zach..."

"I'll leave. I promise I won't bother you anymore." I was in complete hysterics; thank goodness we walked back into his dressing room before my breakdown so it was nobody but us.

"Stop it!" He was angry. I thought he was going to punch me or something, but instead punched the wall behind me. I wished it had been me so I would not feel like such a monster.

He still lifted weights so he was pretty strong, he often carried me to our room even though I was 167 pounds. "I ruined your life!"

I definitely felt my love of larger men was detrimental. It just went against everything society expected. Not liking women was one thing, but liking fat guys? Why couldn’t I be a little bit normal?

"You never ruined my life. I love you. I love being this size. I love us, the way you make me feel, how special you treat me. If I didn't want to be the way I am now, I should have stopped eating when I gained that first pound. But I didn't because I love it. I'm okay with it. So stop beating yourself up over this."

He leaned in and kissed me. It was like fireworks, bells, and electricity all at once. I calmed down immediately with that kiss, knowing he was truly okay with the situation. I didn’t have to follow society’s standards…I wouldn’t be happy if I did.

Being the way I am was difficult, but I knew it must’ve been much harder for Gabe. Liking bigger guys just didn't make sense, but liking being a bigger guy must really be hard to comprehend.

It was kind of like when I decided to admit that I was gay, one of the most difficult things to ever admit to anyone. You had to endure the names and the jokes.

It marked you as different and it was just the same as me liking bigger guys. It was different and it was not normal, but it made me who I was and I think after today I was 100 percent okay with it.

After leaving his dressing room we went home and played around with the two remaining speedos.

I missed the one he destroyed, but these two gave us just as much fun. "I love you Gabe" I said,

"I love you too Zach."

"I really love you Gabe." I saw a smile spread across his face as we lay together our bed after round 12 of speedo fun.

"I really love you too Zach." Round 13.