chapter 4 — the condoms

So, on the bus on the way home, Iluka is STILL going on about Anahera. I’m not even listening, and he totally hasn’t noticed yet.

‘Is everything alright Killian? You haven’t said a word about Friday’s date,’ he asks.

‘Yeah of course I am’

He doesn’t look convinced.

‘I mean, you’re just worrying too much,’ I continue, ‘we just need to chill and be ourselves on Friday, we’ll be right.’

‘Come on Killian, this could be the best thing that happens to us this year. What if something goes wrong? We’ll be virgins for life!’

‘“Virgins for life”? Don’t be fucking stupid. Y’know, I was speaking with Hans at lunch, and you know what he says?’

‘We’re screwed?’ he goes.

‘Yeah, pretty much. For real, though. And he says Anahera’s totally in love with you and Mon is into me, too.’

‘He did? Wait, what were his words but?’ Iluka asks.

I sigh.

‘He said that Anahera’s infatuated with Iluka,’ I respond.

‘Infatuated!’ he whispers to himself with a smile.

I stand up, ‘cause the bus is reaching my stop.

‘No, Killian! Stay on the bus! We gotta buy some condoms!’

Jeezuz Christ. Is he for real? He’s losing it. He’s going nuts about this Friday. ‘Virgins for life!’ Ridiculous. Come to think about it, maybe a root is exactly what he needs after all. Go figure. So, we get to the supermarket, except we can’t seem to find ‘em…

‘I’m telling you! They’ve GOT to be down the “Health and Beauty” aisle!’ I say.

‘We’ve been down that aisle 3 times already! It’s gotta be in the “Baby” aisle.’

‘Why the fuck would it be down the “Baby” aisle?’ I say.

‘Gee, I wonder. Maybe to prevent babies? Duh.’ He goes.

‘You are SO wrong.’

We end up walking down every aisle in the supermarket. Some of the supermarket staff are watching us suspiciously now. They think we’re like, stealing and shit. Well, we do look kinda shifty. Like we have spent 30 minutes down every aisle in the store and still got nothin’ in our hands…

‘Excuse me but do you boys need some help?’ asks some chick.

‘No, we’re right,’ goes Iluka.

‘The hell we are! It would help if you knew what the packaging looked like!’ I say.

‘It’s round, isn’t it? Round and long containers with a rounded top?’ Iluka looks at me for confirmation.

‘Oh, do you mean roll on deodorants? Just down the Health and Beauty aisle,’ says the assistant.

‘Yeah, not deodorant, but…’ Iluka goes.

‘It’s a man thing.’ I say. ‘Do you have a guy who could help us?’

‘Sure thing, I’ll get Axel.’

As it turns out, condoms come in a rectangle box. Who would have thought? Just for the record, they WERE down the “Health and Beauty” aisle. Axel, the assistant, was pretty cool about it. He even recommended we buy some lube too. He said that it helps for easier entry, and it makes tossing like 100 times better. That was when we grabbed another 2 each. I dunno how Iluka always has so much money, but the bloody legend paid for me.

‘Thanks man. See ya tomorrow!’

So, I get home with Cass and head to the kitchen to do my usual binge. Instead of doing my homework, I jump on the video games for a while instead. Next thing I know Mum and Dad arrive home. Geeze, is it 6pm already? I’ve been playing for 2 hours and haven’t even touched my homework. I turn it off and hit the books.

‘Guys, it’s sit-up time!’ Dad calls.

‘Sorry, too much homework.’ I call back.

‘Again?! Fair enough then. Your schooling is more important.’

Is that right? Hmm… I think I’ve finally discovered how to escape the daily exercise routine… Play video games first, homework second. Why didn’t I ever think of this before?

Dinner is served by the time I’ve finished my homework. Yum! It’s another pasta dish, ravioli! I just LOVE ravioli with tasty cheese melting through it. I usually have two servings of it, but it’s just SO delicious. The pasta is so soft and textured. The tomato is so sweet. The cheese is so inviting. I have a third bowl. This time, I finish it completely, but I’m stuffed! The family are watching some silly soap opera, they don’t notice my third helping.

I was about to head to bed to digest when I suddenly remembered: the lube! Took it out, got to work, and OMFG!!! That’s all I’m gonna say about that!!!