chapter 2

'Oh, you know, the regular stuff...like making out with hot dudes named Caz,' I thought. I kept it to myself knowing damn well it'd ruin everything between us immediately. "I don't really go out much," I finally said truthfully.

"You should come over and hang out," he suggested. I hadn't had many friends, so hanging out was a bit foreign. I felt really happy though. Somebody wanted to hang out with me. I didn't find myself to be particularly interesting or particularly fun, so the idea of hanging out made me almost giddy. I tried to ignore the feeling of sadness that wanted to weasel itself into my good mood. I hadn't told him I was gay. That would most likely derail our hanging out.

"Yeah, that'd be really cool," I said. I almost couldn't give a response. He smiled at me.

"How's Friday? You could sleep over too if you'd like." Oh dear lord. I was moving so quickly into a social life. Did guys do sleepovers? It seemed like a thing girls did, although I wouldn't mind pillow fighting with Caz. I was tricking a straight boy into being friends with me all because he didn't know about the social hierarchy of high school. He would soon be known as gay by association. I was being selfish.

"That'd be great." I began to wonder if he knew I was gay. Maybe he did know and just didn't care. The thing was...I didn't get why it was such a big deal being gay. I wasn't automatically attracted to a guy because he had a penis. I wasn't some creep because I was gay.

It was funny. Maybe some guys would like to think I was swooning over them so they could feel attractive, because there were some guys who have messed with me that I wouldn't want to be with if they were my ONLY options.

Nobody tried to talk to Caz too much, and it was probably because by senior year friendships were already pretty fixed and nobody was taking applications for new group members. Or, a bit far-fetched, they thought he was gay for talking to me and they would never want to associate themselves with another gay kid.

So on Friday I went to his house after the first week of school. I had a bag filled with all the things, I was assuming, you had to bring when you were sleeping over at someone else's house: toothbrush, pajamas, that sort of stuff.

We went inside and I met his mother. She was tall and plump. I thought she was going to be a Jesus freak or something, you know, because she home-schooled Cazimir. But no, she was not a crazy-kill the gays, my boy shall not sin type lady. She even baked cookies too, how 1950's.

We went up to his room and I saw he liked to read. He had two beds in his room. He told me one was his older brother's. So she taught another one of her kids. The walls were a warm green color. He sat on what I assumed to be his bed.

"Do you need anything?" he asked for like the hundredth time. He was seriously hospitable. Maybe, I might just have been guessing, this was one of his first sleepovers as well. He had been home schooled, and maybe he didn't make friends as easily as he would have had he attended regular school.

"No," I said as I laughed. "If I need something, I'll let you know." His face went red. He was so handsome. It was boyishly sexy.

"Yeah, sorry...I've never had anyone sleep over before. I guess it's because I don't know that many people on a personal level." Ding. Ding. Ding. I had been right. I loved being right, it gave me a deep satisfaction, just like when I saw a really cute guy and he'd give me the look, the one where they were obviously undressing you with their mind. I didn't get the look often in our town.

"I don't either," I said. "It's really hard for me to open up to people."

"My dad works overseas and makes a lot of money, so my mom decided she wouldn't work and that she'd home school me and my brothers."

"How many brothers do you have?" I asked.

"Two," he said. "But they're both older than I am." So he was the baby of the family. How cute. I was the oldest of two in my family.

After that we were a bit more comfortable. He ordered some food and we ate. He sure could eat a lot and it excited me. I was such a pervert. He was a new friend of mine and I was lusting after him. Poor guy probably didn't even know I was gay. Thinking about that got me down again.

That night, I didn't sleep at all. I couldn't. I was too nervous with him only a couple of feet away. I just listened to his light breathing until morning.