chapter 15

I re-employed as many staff as I could. Scott has been unemployed since his sacking, but the chef had moved on.
Scott knew how to fill in the rest of the vacancies though, so I left it up to him.
He was pleased to see me looking so svelte. I wasn't that slim, I told him. I still weighed over thirty stones and had problems getting around, but I was healthier than I had been. I tried to get out at least once a day for a short walk.
I had lived at the pub for well over a year and I had not known that at the other side of the disused railway embankment behind the pub, there was a little Victorian chapel, a nature reserve around a large pond, two fields of horses, an animal sanctuary and a disused quarry that was being filled in and landscaped! ...oh and a short heritage railway that ran there and back every other Sunday, with a museum at the other end!
I'd heard horse riders going passed the pub and I'd heard dogs barking. Occasionally I'd heard the woo-woo of the train whistle, but I'd not seen any of it because the windows of the pub all faced away from the embankment.
At first I struggled up the steep sides of the embankment at the back of the car park. It was about seven or eight feet higher than the car park and it was so steep that it only took six or seven strides to get to the top, but it was extremely steep! What made it more difficult was that water ran down the path, making a little gulley which made the ground uneven too. I could not scrabble with my hands if I slipped as I had to hold my flabby belly out of the way. It was most undignified, but I liked the view up at the top. There was a little bench there. I could watch the birds wading in the reeds and the dog walkers throwing balls to their dogs off the leash on the rough terrain.
Then Scott pointed out that if I walked further along the road, where the pub was situated, there was a much more gradual slope to the top of the embankment, where there had once been a level crossing to make it easier to get to the chapel.
It was quite a bit further to walk to get to the bench, about a hundred yards further and then another hundred yards back, but it was so much easier than trying to negotiate the extremely steep incline with my bulk.
I was glad I'd met Scott. He was full on common sense!
The fresh air and the gentle exersise did me good.
My mind was not so closed in and dark. I had to think better of myself. I'd been told that in hospital. My self esteem has been rock bottom. It had every right to be! I'd been rejected, (twice), taken advantage of, force fed... it was best not to dwell on the details... I had to think about the future. Make a new life for myself, stop thinking depressed thoughts. Positivity was the way!
Food was still very important to me, but I was more educated than I had been about it six months ago. I was not on a strict 'diet' as such. The hospital dietitian said I could eat whatever I liked! But it was important to get portion and proportions correct. A third of my plate had to be vegetables. Another third had to be carbohydrates such as potatoes or pasta. I had to go for fibre-rich carbohydrates, though such as wholewheat bread. If I had potatoes, they had to be baked, not fried and I had to eat their skins as well. Apparently the fibre Would fill me up as well as be good for the health of my gut. Most of the last third had to be a source of protein such as lean meat, fish or beans. A tiny sliver of that last third had to be fats and the rest of the third was for dairy produce. It had been stressed that I was not to cut fats out altogether or I would be missing out on fat soluble vitamins.
My new healthy regime, started off with breakfast that I made myself. At first I had screwed my nose up at it, but now I quite liked the warm milky porridge made with water and a little skimmed milk with a couple of chopped dried apricots over the top. I might have that with a small glass of orange juice and a cup of coffee. That was it!
If I had plenty porridge, I didn't need sweets, chocolate and crisps before lunch. If I wanted more porridge for breakfast I could have it, but I found I didn't want it.
Lunch was now a lighter meal than it had been. I could have a huge salad, with a low fat dressing and a protein, a large baked potato with a low fat filling (no mayonnaise) or something like baked beans on toast (wholemeal with low fat spread). Then I was to have a piece of fruit. This for me was the hardest bit. I could not just eat a raw apple or a pear on it's own. An orange was too messy. I didn't mind berries so much, but they could be sour without lots of sugar and only a spoonful of low fat yoghurt to go with it. I was told to persist with it. I was told my habits and tastes would change. And I was sure that was true, but I still hated eating fruit on their own!
Nevertheless, I could manage to go all afternoon without a snack as well.
My main difficulty was with dinner. I was all right in the hospital when someone was cooking for me. Cooking a healthy dinner was always going to be difficult from me when the recipes were always for four people. I often misread the amounts or got my calculations wrong and ended up making far too much! Of course, I could have frozen the extra or simply thrown it out, but rarely did either event happen. I ate all the extra myself!
I could follow my meal with a fruit yoghurt, but after overeating for my dinner, I much preferred a bowl of ice cream!
I was allowed two small glasses of wine a week. Ideally they would be spread out and enjoyed with a meal. Whoever designed my meal plan had forgotten that I lived above a pub! That two small glasses of wine a week soon became one pint of beer or lager or cider a day, two at weekends! I was allowed to treat myself to one small, full fat pudding a week. My allowances were generous for someone who was still supposed to be losing weight because I was still a generous size. However, anything that I consumed from the restaurant was too big and too fattening, especially the puddings! One portion would be my allowances for the month! I knew it. I knew it was wrong. Yet somehow, I persuaded myself, as I had with the beer, it was all right. Who would know I was cheating?