chapter 6

The next day, my off day from classes, we went to get him some things. He put on one of my biggest t-shirts and a pair of my running shorts. By conventional standards, the fit was terrible, but it was all we had to work with. His feet must've been at least a size 15, but I had a pair of flips flops that actually worked. They'd come into my possession one drunken night and I had no clue how. Had I stolen them? Most likely.

We left out around noon and I wished that I had a car so people didn't have to see him so--sexy? He had a powerful strut that showed off the sheer size he carried around. In four and a half days, he looked to have put on at least 25 pounds. Walking next to him felt good, and I felt lucky to have met him. It felt like a date, and I had to remind myself I was simply helping a friend, like I was all five guys from Queer Eye.

I lived close to many shops and we first stopped at a shoe store. I thought a pair of sneakers would be nice. I measured his feet, size 15 and a half. I told him to pick any gym shoe he wanted. He held up a tiny shoe with a light up cartoon character. I couldn't help but laugh. I doubted those were made in his size.

I told him to pick again and forlornly he chose a pair of Nikes. I also picked up two ten packs of socks. I paid, and we left the store to try to find some actual clothes. He didn't get out much with Jomei I assumed. He was amazed by every store we passed and stopped to look in each of the front windows.

After some more shopping, we came to the coffee shop where he-who-shall-not-be-named often hung around. He saw the shelf of cookies and treats and turned to me, face excited and eager. "Can we get something? Please." As much as I wanted to avoid this place, I just couldn't say no to him.

"Yeah, let's get something." I opened the door and he walked in. I followed. We went up to the counter and I saw his eyes explore the shelf of goodies. "What do you want?" I asked after ordering a large iced coffee.

"I don't know. What should I get Casey?" he asked me, still staring at all the pastries. They only had twenty different items.

"May we have one of each?" The worker asked me if I was sure, looking towards Axel, then back at me. "Yeah, I'm sure. Thanks." She pulled out a box and began to place one of each inside of it. I took the box and my coffee, along with three milks for Axel, and sat at a small table near the exit. He placed the bags he had been carrying beside his chair. Along with his shoes and socks, we had bought two pairs of sweatpants, three pairs of athletic shorts, a multipack of t-shirts (he chose purple, because they matched his new underwear), and a pair of blue jeans.

He had eaten three of the cakes and I sat watching him enjoy himself as I sipped on my coffee. He was a behemoth and taking him in outside of my living room was bizarre. In my apartment he dwarfed everything, but even in public he took up space in a way I wasn't accustomed to. He made everything seem so tiny. The milk cartons in his hands looked surreal. The width of his shoulders was intimidating, and the fact that he was still wearing my shirt that didn't fit exaggerated the muscularity of his neck and traps. He also had a small gut that peeked out the bottom of the shirt, which was more akin to a crop top. I wanted to rub his belly, to feel his beefiness with my own hands.

"This one is really good," he said through a mouthful of lemon cake with vanilla frosting. "You have to try it." He leaned forward, extending the dessert to me. "Bite it," he directed, smiling. I took a small bite, savoring the tart-sweet combination.

"That is good," I said. He smiled even wider, pleased with himself. I was really starting to like him. He asked if I wanted any more and I declined. He then shoved the remains of the cake into his mouth, smearing frosting on his lips and nose. We needed napkins. "I'll be right back," I informed him. I went up to the napkin dispenser by the service counter and grabbed a couple while he continued to eat his food. The 500-calorie thing was dead and gone.

"Space Case!" I cringed at the pet name. I turned to face my ex-boyfriend. "Blue hair, huh?" He smiled at me, though I could tell he was being facetious. He was a fake, all of him, everything about him. But even knowing he didn't matter in my life anymore, that he had no control over my self-image, it made me feel small. He was a dick--but I still cared about him. I still thought about him. I still had hope that maybe one day he'd say he made a mistake when he broke up with me through text message. "How's it going?" he asked, sure that I was doing terribly.

"Hey Jonah," I said, smiling. I could feel myself being fake too. I hated it. "I'm doing great, how about you?" It had always been so hard being myself with him. It was nothing like this with Axel. I didn't feel so worthless, so insignificant. I felt my hand squeezing the napkins. They'd be too crumpled to use if I didn't chill.

"Oh nothing, been dating a lot." He smiled wide, sure I hadn't been on a date in forever. He reveled in the fact that I hadn't gotten over him. "I'm just trying to get through these next twelve weeks. I'm graduating in December, a semester early. I can't wait for graduation. Can't wait to move out west."

"Awesome," I said, feeling that none of the things he said were awesome. He was a braggart. I knew he just wanted to tell me how awesome things had been going for him.

"Have you been seeing anyone?" he asked. That was all he really wanted to know. I could lie, but then he'd hassle me for details, and that would trip me up.

"Well, I, uh--um," I stuttered. Just then Axel walked up to us. He still had some stuff on his face. "C'mere," I said. He leaned down so I could reach his face. I wiped it off for him, taking in his beautiful eyes for the millionth time.

"Is this your boyfriend?" Jonah asked. Wiping food off of Axel's face did make us look a bit like we were together. I wanted to shove Axel in his face more than anything. Jonah wouldn't know what to do with himself, honestly. I wanted to, but I couldn't. I couldn't use him that way, no matter how much I wanted to.

"No, just a friend," I said softly. He set his gaze on Axel and started flirting up a storm. I didn't even get to introduce them. I didn't get to tell Axel anything about Jonah. I could tell Axel was over it, and I was worried he'd get upset. Funnily enough, I was the one getting angry. I wanted to punch a couple of holes in something and it wasn't my apartment wall. I counted backwards from ten, and with each number I pictured something that made me smile.

"You must be an athlete," Jonah said. "With all those muscles." He deliberately glanced at Axel's package, which admittedly was somewhat obscene in my shorts, but it was still creepy as fuck of Jonah to do. Axel looked at him blankly, and I was once again afraid he'd get upset.

"Back off Jonah, he's not interested."

"He can tell me that," he replied, sure he'd won Axel over.

"I'm not interested," Axel said plainly. He grabbed my arm and walked me back over to our table. I glanced back at Jonah, who didn't look nearly as good as I remembered. He overarched his eyebrows and wore too much cologne. I felt myself smile. Axel had stood up for me.