Chapter 3 - questioning my fat

If I'm being honest with myself, and anyone who's reading this, I truly can't believe just how fat I am anymore. I'm so fat that I almost don't even feel comfortable using the word fat, and feel that I need to say obese as a better way of describing it. I'm a 4X in shirts, a 44 D cup, and a size 24 in pants. And I can't help but be turned on by how fat I am either.

While I was in my relationship, I actually started to become ashamed of being fat. I questioned if there was something wrong with me for being so into the feederism concept and for my love of being fat. I almost even started to get turned off by it all. Although I am sad that I am no longer in a relationship with my ex, part of me is eager to meet someone who can truly accept me and all of my fat.

When I first met my ex, he told me that he loved my body, and that he didn't mind that I was fat. Nothing seemed to phase him. Because he seemed so comfortable with my body, I didn't mind us watching porn with skinny women (which I liked), and would sometimes even request that we watch a movie with some boobs in it. When we did these two things, I would often ask what he thought of the women. After watching many different programs and hearing his many different thoughts on these women, it became clear to me that my boyfriend also liked stereotypical women. For example, two women who he has gone all googly eyes for in front of me are Nikki Bella (professional wrestler) and Olivia Munn (actress). Both skinny, one with a B cup, and the other with big fake tits. I remember him even saying that he loved how perky Olivia Munn's breasts were, and her flat tummy. Two features I didn't have. This was one of those scenarios I was referring to in my first chapter where I stated that some things he said made me really question if he was okay with my being as fat as I was.

Over time I became more upset at how much I realized that he didn't like fat girls, and would question why for some reason he still liked me. He was a guy who also didn't mind chubby, because too skinny meant no tits, and he didn't like that either. But I swear, sometimes he'd imply negative things about girls who are fat right in front of me. He wasn't even that skinny himself! One time he even told me that as pretty as he thought I currently was, that he thought I was even prettier when I was skinny. Of course once I told him I was mad about that comment he made up some bullshit explanation for it that at the time I accepted, and don't even remember.

Writing this all right now is just a helpful reminder of why I had to get out of that relationship. But for all the times he's said comments about how attractive skinny girls are and his distaste for fat chicks, he still always told me how sexy and beautiful he thought I was. I was always so torn with him!