chapter 3: fat friends

Another sure way to get fat is to have fat friends, and we made lots of those. Not only do fat friends make you feel thin by comparison, but you're much more likely to overeat high calorie foods while in their presence.

For example, if you're having lunch with someone thin who is forever watching their weight and is always cognizant of the number of calories contained in every morsel they consume, you're probably not going to go for the hamburger deluxe and then order dessert. After your skinny friend orders the salad platter, chances are you'll eat moderately yourself and then pass on the pie a la mode.

Most of our new friends, however, tended to be on the heavy side and it was a rare weekend that we weren't invited over to join the gang from the office at a barbecue or pot-luck supper. The food at these gatherings was invariably fattening, a fact that didn't stop us from overindulging our growing appetites.

I recall one such affair at the home of a couple named Bobby and Betty Jean. Betty Jean's signature dish was a creamy potato salad and believe me, it was to die for! Both Carol and I had three servings and that was on top of a few pieces of fried chicken, a hamburger each, and a couple of hot dogs. Later, the desserts came out. As almost all the guests had contributed something, the long table was packed with pies, cakes, some multilayered jello/whipped cream dish, and ice cream, as well as several cheesecakes, our own personal favorite.

Though there had been a time before we had gotten married when we would have shared a single piece of cheesecake, those days were long gone. On top of everything else we had eaten and drunk that day (Did I mention that we had also both had a few beers?), we went right back up to the buffet table and each took a large slice.

By this time, the waistband of my shorts had grown uncomfortably tight and I could see that Carol was also fidgeting with the button on her skirt.

A few minutes after we had finished our pieces of cheesecake, Betty Jean came floating toward us, her wide hips swaying as she crossed the room, bearing a large tray full of bowls heaped with the jello/whipped cream concoction.

"Have you guys had dessert?"

"We did, Betty Jean. The cheesecake was delicious."

"Well, I hope you have some room for this. It's just wonderful! Susan makes it whenever we get together and it's a real treat!"

"Betty Jean, we'd love to try it," said Carol. "The truth is, I don't know if my seams can stand the strain. We both went overboard with your potato salad. It was out of this world! What's your secret?"

"Why, thank you," said Betty Jean, her round face beaming at the compliment. "I'll give you the recipe. It was my grandmother's." Then dropping her voice to a mock stage whisper, she added, "The secret ingredient is fresh cream! That's what makes it so nice and smooth! Now come on! Give this a try. You're both such skinny things! I think your skirt can handle it."

"Well," said Carol ruefully, "We're not quite as skinny as we used to be."

But of course, she had talked us into it and we both took one of the large bowls from her tray.

"Well?" asked Betty Jean, after we had each sampled a spoonful. "What do you think?"

"Oh, Betty Jean, it's absolutely delicious! I swear, you're going to have to roll us out of here!"

"Don't be silly," she scoffed. "You've been married, what? A year? Year and a half? You're still practically newlyweds and you're both skinny as rails! That's one of the great things about married life: you get to eat whatever you want! Every newly married couple puts on a little weight. That's their job! It's only natural and it's a good sign. Means you've settled down and you're happy! Do you know how much I weighed when me and Bobby got married fifteen years ago? A hundred and eleven pounds!"

This was certainly surprising, because these days Betty Jean appeared to be somewhere north of two-fifty.

"Bobby's gained a ton of weight too," she continued. "But we don't worry about it. It's the way we eat down here. We all love our fried chicken and desserts. You can either deny yourself or live a little! Now you enjoy that dessert and don't be shy about coming back for more!"

Having a lot of overweight friends probably wasn't the best influence in terms of our own eating habits, but the bottom line was that it was all on us. Nobody was twisting our arms to overdo it with the fattening foods. We were the ones who were developing a true love affair with eating and felt entitled to splurge. When it came to food, especially rich, high calorie food, we didn't exercise any will power at all. We just couldn't or wouldn't say no.

Here's another example of how we went overboard. Every Saturday and Sunday morning we would head to our favorite local diner for breakfast. Now this particular diner was very well known for their delicious milk shakes. One morning we were just finishing up our meals (I had waffles with sausage and a side of hash browns. Carol had the French Toast with hash browns and extra bacon. Loads of butter and syrup? Of course!) when we spotted a waitress weaving through the diner holding a couple of chocolate shakes.

"They look good, don't they," I said to Carol knowing that she had also spotted them.

"They sure do!" she answered.

Pause.

"You want one?"

"Oh, I don't know, Honey. We just had a big breakfast," I said.

"You know you want one," she teased.

"Well, maybe we could share."

"Come on, Tommy, let's each have one. That's what this place is supposed to be famous for, right? Come on! Let's splurge!"

We called over our waitress.

"Two medium chocolate shakes, please," I ordered. "No, hold on. Go ahead. Make them both large."

The shakes were, indeed, as delicious as advertised, but they turned what had already been an extremely fattening breakfast into a ridiculous explosion of calories. They were so good, in fact, that we couldn't help but incorporate them into our order every time we went there for breakfast.

Look, we knew we were continuing to gain weight. We weren't stupid. Though we didn't own a scale, periodically we'd feel it in our clothes. But when the pants got just a little bit tougher to button, or the skirts got just a little bit harder to zip, we didn't regard it as a sign that maybe we needed to cut back a bit. It was just a sign that we needed to hit the mall and buy something more comfortable.

In fact, we didn't regard our weight gains as a reason to panic at all. Just the opposite. Still basking in the afterglow that surrounds all newlyweds, we thought the fact that we were gaining weight was just about the cutest thing ever! We were in love, we were happy, we had settled down, and we were putting on weight. It was all part of this wonderful new experience called "married life." right? What was the problem?

Remember, during those first couple of years we really had no idea how much we were gaining. I could see that Carol had gotten somewhat bigger, but I loved it. I thought it had gone to all the right places and enjoyed having a wife with a sexy muffin top, somewhat larger breasts, and a little more padding on her backside.

Carol got a real kick out of my love handles saying that she liked having something to hang on to and keep her warm at night.

A few pounds was nothing to worry about anyway. What was the big deal? It wasn't like we were fat or anything. I mean, look at Bobby and Betty Jean, or Danny and Susan, or any number of other couples we had gotten friendly with. Now they were fat, but not us. We had just gained some marriage weight was all.

It didn't occur to us at the time that Bobby and Betty Jean, or Danny and Susan, or all of those other couples hadn't started out fat either; that they had gradually evolved into their current large sizes and that we were on the same road and following the same script.