chapter 5

(Let's have a look from Eva's point of views, just some insight on what's going on in her mind and maybe some more description. Hope you enjoy it.)

I had always considered myself extremely lucky to have met Brian. I couldn't believe he was really into me, I thought he was maybe just looking for a bit of fun. I mean, he was younger, hot, smart, with a good career and also so sweet. It felt like a gift to have him in my life. Especially after I broke up with my ex. That experience left me more frail and insecure than I like to admit. When you live for long with a partner, you necessarily end up valuing their opinion a lot. And my ex didn't seem to have such a good opinion of me. I wouldn't be able to say how it started, but at some point it was like if everything I thought or did was wrong. If I was choosing a movie for the night he would have said it was crap, better watch something else. If I was listening to a band I liked he would have said that wasn't even music. I was excited to have been accepted for a master degree in nursing till he said it was useless. I tried to cook nearly every night despite working and studying but apparently it was never good enough, whether it needed more salt or less spices, it was too dry or just lacking taste. Several time he preferred to get take away instead. I realised that relationship wasn't good for me, it was making me feel useless, lose my motivation and, generally, I was losing my happiness. I had always thought of myself as a pretty positive person, I had achieved all the main goals I set for myself in my life, but I was getting more and more distant from that. I wasn't able to recognise myself. It was hard to break up after many years but I'm sure it was the right thing to do. Obviously my ex disagreed, he said I was just being stupid, I would have realised the mistake I was doing and I would have regretted it.
Instead I found Brian. I perfectly remember the first night we went out for a drink. I was feeling so insecure "what if he finds me too stupid, I don't have much to say, or maybe he'll think I'm too old, he doesn't know I'm nearly 3 years older than him, it's been so long since last time I started dating someone I don't even remember how to do it.." I was putting all my insecurity on my friend Amy. She was great in cheering me up, she said something like "Shut up Eva, that's not you talking, that's that idiot of your ex! You are great, you're smart, you're clever and you're a knockout.. just look at you!" As she pointed at my image in the mirror.
Later that night I was pleased to feel that Brian liked his date too, even more I was pleased to feel he was actually interested in what I was saying.
That first night was followed by a proper date, then another, and another. I was in heaven. My insecurities were melting night after night, I was gaining back my positive attitude, my confidence and, most importantly, my happiness.
Only few months later he was suggesting I moved with him. "Wow, that's a big leap.. we've not been together very long.." I was hesitating more because I was taken aback than anything else. He didn't lose his humour "Oh you're so right. Moving with me does come with some danger" he paused, which created a bit of suspense "I fatten up my preys till they are chubby enough to be eaten.." He said pretending to be serious. "Oh I knew there was something just not right with you.. that's what you do to your girls!" I replied laughing. "Well, I appreciate your honesty.. I think I'll run the risk" I continued cheekily. What followed was a hug I'm not going to forget, and a long kiss. "So.. are you taking me home now, mister hunter?" I could feel every cell in my body smiling as I spoke.

He did say it was true his ex girlfriends had put on weight staying with him, and he warned me about his eating habits and how contagious they could be. I thought he was talking about those silly things to ease up the atmosphere as we were walking to "our" home together for the first time to stay. But I did take note of it. I wasn't really concerned of putting on weight, I could control myself, but I was happy to learn more about Brian habits in general, and I wanted to support them. I wanted to be a precious adjunct to his life not a hindrance. If he was happy to have a few extra snacks during the day that was obviously fine with me. I didn't need to have them, but I'll make sure he doesn't feel obliged to change his habits because of me.

To be honest, that silly conversation revealed to be quite important. I was very happy living with Brian, but I was a bit lost initially. We dated only few months and then I was suddenly catapulted in his life. At least I knew he was used to have a snack here and that made it easier for me to focus on something. It was fun to surprise him the first day he came back from work with a treat I got him from the shop. And I backed some simple cookies for him to have after dinner. He seemed very happy to hear they were home baked cookies, and he kept saying they were delicious. It was quite funny for me, I was definitely not used to be complimented so much for such a small thing. "Well, if this is all it takes to make you happy" I thought while I was lost in his gentle smile "then I have no problem doing more of this". That definitely started a routine. Initially he was politely offering to share those snacks or sweets with me, but I joked I didn't want to be fattened up and eaten too early, I had plans to stay around him for long. He liked that joke.

I did think about his ex girlfriends a bit. I could see how they ended up putting on weight if they let his habits rub off on them. He had indeed the appetite he told me and his portion were definitely not for a girl. But I didn't see the problem.. just don't eat as much as he does.
I started to find his eating patterns cute.. He was like a baby, not that I had any experience there but I knew you had to feed them every 3 or 4 hours.. That thought made me blush "maybe I see him like a baby because I'm nearly 3 years older than him..".
Anyhow, I was happy to have learned his habits and to play along with it.
And he was very happy with what I was doing, he said he never had such a good cook in the house. "It's better than a restaurant here now. You are really talented honey, I think every place in town would be happy to hire you". He was so sweet.. Every time he said things like that I felt I could nearly cry, especially after having been underappreciated for so long before.
Knowing that my efforts were being appreciated felt so good that it wasn't even an effort anymore. I just got into the habits of cooking and baking. And the more you do it, the easier it gets.

I wasn't thinking of any possible consequences. For me, I was just perpetrating his habits. I was rather afraid I was not giving him enough. I thought he could have been too polite to say my portions were small for him, so I increased his portions a bit. If he seemed to still polish his dish quickly then I would have cooked more the following day. With an insight, he was probably too polite also to say if it was too much. I did think that he was eating a lot at some point. In part because of the size of his dishes, in part because I've noticed that he had to slow down towards the end of his meals sometimes. But whenever I asked, he said that he was happy. So I kept going. Besides, he was smoking hot, my friends loved how fit it was, and I could guarantee that 6 months of life together didn't do any damage on his six pack. Oh, did I like to stroke his abs as part of our foreplay! I guessed he was really blessed with a fast metabolism, and I was blessed with a gorgeous, sweet boyfriend that I was very happy to live with. And to cook for.

I remember like it was just yesterday the day I got cold feet. Not even a year after moving together I walked into our bedroom to join my boyfriend in bed and I was welcomed by the nice view of his naked torso. It was a hot day of August so he didn't have his t-shirt on that night. I took advantage of it to indulge my eyes in the view of my hot boyfriend: his broad shoulders I liked so much, his nice pecs I loved to touch, especially at night, and his stomach were his six pack was. Only, it didn't look quite the same. Shoulders and pecs were there, but the six pack.. my eyes lingered over there as I walked in, but all they could spot was just a hint of it. "Hey sweetie" His words interrupted my train of thoughts.. "hey" I replied a bit confused as I handled him a dish with a slice of chocolate cake and two spoons of vanilla ice cream.. “Wow!" he exclaimed in his usual sweet way "one of my favourite!".
I knew it was, that's why I brought him a substantial slice, but my mind was running fast in that moment, collecting memories of his six pack, examining the glimpse of his stomach I just had, putting the two images one next to the other.. “he has put on weight!” I concluded.

It was difficult for me to focus on the movie that night. I was instead aware of each time my boyfriend next to me moved his fork from the dish to his mouth. “It must be the night snacks” I was thinking “Of course it is.. too many calories just before sleep!” I wasn’t blaming him.. I was putting it on me.
I wanted to turn to him and say "I'm sorry hon, I didn't mean to, I am truly sorry to have ruined your six pack. You don't have to eat the cake now. And you should tell me if I'm giving you too much. You said you used to eat a lot, I simply didn't want to starve you. I was conscious that I didn't pick up your habits like your exes did, but I didn't want you to go hungry because of that.. clearly I've been overzealous.. I'm so sorry!" I had all that stuff going on in my mind as he put down the fork on a empty dish and smiled to me "just what I needed!" He said. I forced a smile and awkwardly muttered back "r-really?"