chapter 5

As I'm now walking farther and farther away from her, since she'll follow in my steps certainly much slower, with a lumbering gait, I still find it hard to focus and to understand my feelings. What have I gotten myself into?
Yes, I'm in the process of falling in love, there is no question there. But what if I got much more than I bargained for? I wanted to be with someone who is intelligent, kind, and hopefully on the softer side, plumping up slightly as she spends time with me. I should have been more careful what I was wishing for.

She made the impression of someone who wasn't into gaining intentionally, just enduring it as a side-effect, but then her last words threw all my perceptions into disarray. Did she only want to have some fun, enjoying how she can screw with my mind? If so, she was doing it well. I always fancied intelligent women with complex personalities and complicated thought processes, I really think I got much more than I bargained for in this regard as well.

But if it's more than that? What if she's really turned on by getting bigger, what if she really wants to be fed and fattened as much as possible, and she was just testing the waters at the beginning, checking if I wasn't being scared off. Just as I myself don't divulge absolutely everything in the very first conversation. I remember I didn't even tell her my preferences, she could just read them from my reactions. Logic says that this should scare me, I should convince myself that she's too big for me. She's already big enough to not fit into most cars! She's already massive enough to have difficulties navigating a world not designed for her size. What if she'll keep on gaining at this ever increasing rate? And she appears to be very smart, she must know all this, and if she still wants to go on, it means her erotic longing for fatness must be otherworldly strong. She patted and kneaded her belly, playing with it several times, as if she was sending secret signals to me, or at least unconsciously indicating that she felt well in her body.

Although I did sometimes find girls attractive who were below or above what I considered perfect size for me, and their sizes were not complete barriers, but they were still slightly negative traits. And knowing that she will likely keep getting fatter and fatter, makes me want her even more? How? Why?

But it's also very likely that she's just having some fun with me. We were playing games, enjoying ourselves, nothing serious, why was I thinking she was serious? Life is not a fairytale, she likely wants to have some fun, try out a new kink for a short while, then find something else. We weren't talking about what kind of relationship we're thinking about anyway. I'm more of a traditional, long-time commitment type of guy, but she might just want to try a new thing, enjoy the experience of the feedee lifestyle for a few weeks, then abandon it all and go on with her life. She's large enough to stand out in any crowd, so she probably already encountered one or two fat-fetishists of the shallower type who were only interested in her body and nothing more. I'll have to show her that I'm more than that, so maybe even if she was only interested in a short fling, she'll want something more long-term too. But even in this case, she's likely just a foodie with a huge appetite who doesn't want to intentionally gain, she just doesn't let her gain stop her from savoring the flavors of a life full of gluttony, and will limit it only when her mobility gets seriously threatened. Should I be guilty about it, as staying with me might lead to her ballooning up much more than she expected, even if I don't intentionally drive her into it? I keep reassuring my conscience that she's smart and knows what's good for her... but I've already felt the changes she's wrought in me, expanding my limits of desirability. What if we'll fall into a vicious cycle, the bigger she gets the more my limits expand and the fatter I'll like her to become, meanwhile the love and care I'll give her will ease her into letting herself go completely, pushing her own goalposts higher and higher, and maybe even getting herself turned on by her gain, instead of merely by the food she's been into before I intervened in her life? Was I foreseeing her growth over the next couple years, condensed into that few minutes long scenario I imagined during the landing?

And how much bigger could she safely get? If her numbers are accurate, she must weigh about 210-220 kilos, maybe even a little more, that's almost the 500 pounds I've seen in those American talkshows with women complaining about how other people react to their size. And if she takes the next logical step in her journey, as both of us were jesting about, she'll be closing that other magic number, in those other reality shows of 600 pound women barely able to take care of themselves. At first, if I remember correctly, she said there'll be no way of gaining that much, then she defined it as the absolute highest limit, and at the end that was turned from a dreaded limit into a goal to be strived towards? And what if she'll get even bigger? What comes after that?

Logic says I should rather dissuade herself from this lifestyle seemingly both of us are longing for in some way or another, to help her shed some little weight if only for practical purposes, or at least help her maintain it. Or at least gain only a little more, plateauing slowly like she said her sisters were.

Bah! I shouldn't get so ahead of myself, it's not like we have to take such decisions right now. We should get to know each other more, and we should freely explore our fantasies at first, and we'll have plenty of time to see what happens after that. Anyway, those 600-pound shows are over-sensationalized and filled with a lot of fake drama, as is the case with all reality television. I've seen videos of fat acceptance bloggers and supersize models at such weights being happy, healthy, and in relatively good mobility for their sizes. We'll be fine.

Interesting, how often I'm thinking of "we", and "us", as if we were not merely planning a date, but were already engaged. We were supposed to be just random strangers, who travel together, chat a little, then never see each other ever again, so how is she doing this? Only because she was so open about things most people try to hide? The confidential whisper when we took farewell, hinting at already giving me some control over her eating habits? No, I had that feeling much earlier than that. She really has a magnetic personality.

I can hardly wait to meet her again.

I have two weeks to prepare myself mentally for what's to come.

(the end)