chapter 3

Nancy and Kevin became engaged the summer after he had graduated from Columbia Law as soon as his position with a prestigious midtown Manhattan law firm had been secured. Nancy already had a job with a small investment firm that concentrated on managing the financial portfolio for one family with real money. They had gotten married that September and quickly moved into the fast lane as a dynamic couple.

When Kevin met Nancy she was a tall, statuesque, dark-haired beauty. Her family was from outside Philadelphia and she had been raised in easy privilege. She was comfortable in social settings and carried herself with athletic confidence.

In part as a concession to her family's interests, Nancy had committed herself to the world of business. To accomplish this she had to make sacrifices in her real passion which was painting. In college, Nancy had tried to balance her artistic desires with a solid business education. By the time she received her MBA, the pursuit of her artistic self-expression had been relegated to being a hobby.

As soon as Nancy and Kevin moved into their apartment on Central Park West after the wedding, Nancy had converted one of the bedrooms into her studio. Kevin liked the fact that Nancy was artistic, but he had little actual interest in her paintings. His approach to life was deductive and he found Nancy's intuitive muse confusing. While he didn't discourage her from painting in her free time, the demands of her work and of their social schedule left her little time to paint and her studio would go for months without use. Occasionally, Nancy would make the effort to give time for her art but, without any support and with so many distractions, she never seemed to be able to get into a consistent rhythm of painting.

Other than not being able to paint, the first five years of their marriage had been relatively ideal. It was only after Kevin began talking about having kids that the problems started. Kevin had always intended to have three kids and he felt ready. He had planned to space them two years apart.

"You're twenty-nine and I'm thirty. I'm not talking biological clock but I think its time we got started," he had proposed.

Nancy also had always figured that she would have children but somehow it was always something she perceived in the future. Kevin was talking about Nancy actually getting pregnant. Now. She felt pressured by the suggestion. "I had figured that we would get a house first and get ourselves settled before we started a family."

"We already are a family. It's just that now it's time to add kids," Kevin suggested.

Nancy had always found solace in food and she tended towards emotional eating. Whether she was happy or sad, frustrated, elated, or depressed, she would often turn to food as a reward or distraction. Still, she had never had a weight problem and had always kept herself in excellent shape with diet and exercise.

The issue of children became a difficulty between them and Nancy was unsettled by the conflicts she felt within herself. They began to argue and Nancy often felt depressed and alienated. When Kevin first began his campaign for children, Nancy was a muscular, well-conditioned 130 lbs. At 5’-9”, she had a fluid way of moving with confidence that men found attractive and less physical women envied.

As the pressure over children increased, Nancy too often found herself swallowing her feelings with food. Depressed and less sure of herself, she also had more difficulty maintaining her exercise regime. Any bad habits she had enjoyed before, succumbing to her healthy appetites, had been kept in check by a rigorous program of aerobics, yoga, and the gym. In the past, Nancy had often found taking an exercise class during lunch more relaxing.

As the problems with Kevin intensified, Nancy no longer seemed to have the energy to maintain her previous dedication to her physique. Her appetite seemed to increase as her lunch hours were less often spent exercising. Previous quick bites of a salad for lunch were replaced by full-fledged meals at a restaurant or a thick hero sandwich at her desk in the office. At first, Nancy felt like she was pampering herself; compensating for the alienation she was feeling from her husband. Feeling lonely? A pastry in the morning. Tense in the middle of the day? A rich dessert with lunch. Upset that Kevin seemed distant on the phone? An ice cream treat on the way home from work.

At first, the changes in Nancy's habits were minor and the impact on her body still relatively inconsequential; nothing that a quick diet and resumption of her exercise program couldn't cure. She felt less energetic and she could tell that she had gained a few pounds by the fact that some of her clothes were getting too snug. But otherwise, her worries about her body were focused only on the issue of her issue. Nancy was surprised and confused about her fear of getting pregnant. Was she concerned about the actual function of having a child or was she afraid of the changes she knew having kids would demand in her life? Or was it both?