Chapter 4

Jenna and Maria prattled on for so long that Hillary's annoyance reached untenable levels. She needed to deal with this stress the only way she knew how. Politely excusing herself, Hillary headed for the bathroom with her bag. As she neared the restroom, Tony came into view, walking and talking with someone she hadn't seen before. Reflexively, Hillary adjusted her posture, sticking out her chest and sucking in her belly as much as she could. She wrestled with if she should say something or not until something squeaked out her meekly.

"Hi, Tony."

He barely looked up. "Hi.. Rac..oh, I mean, Hillary." Nonchalantly walking by.

Hillary almost burst into tears as she quickly waddled to the bathroom. Did he almost mistake her for Rachel? They didn't even look alike. Rachel had red hair, was taller than her, and was the fattest girl in the office. It was so ridiculous. It hadn't even been 18 months ago that they had gone on a date. Was she that meaningless to him? Was she now so fat that she looked like that cow, Rachel?

Nearly storming into the woman's bathroom, Hillary shoved her way into the handicap stall and sat down. From her bag, she grabbed the two extra McDonald's breakfast sandwiches and started double-fisting them into her face. In no way was Hillary that hungry, but it had become a habit to eat like this. Ever since her appetite for eating had reached embarrassing levels, she often would sneak off and eat out of sight from anyone else. Hillary even did this at home sometimes with Finn, digging into her secret stash of sweets while he wasn't around. Sometimes she would even get up in the middle of the night and sneak to the fridge. Food had become an addiction, and Hillary was too afraid to admit it was a problem, too weak to do anything about it.

As much as stuffing her face calmed her down, a small voice in her head would always battle her. It was a voice telling her to stop, slow down, and eat something less fattening. Hillary heard the voice, agreed with it, but totally ignored it. Every bite, Hillary tried not to think about how she was only making herself fatter. Whenever she laid there overstuffed and bloated from a severe stuffing, she told herself she would take her diet seriously and renew her gym membership. It never happened.

A few months ago, when Hillary stopped gaining on purpose, she tried her best to slim down. The diet was a disaster right out of the gate. About a day into her counting calories and cutting snacks and sweets, she started to cheat. It was a little bit here and a little bit there. By the end of that first week, she was fully back to her old habits. To everyone else but Finn, she still reported that she was sticking to her diet. It was a little bit uncomfortable since they had been so supportive of her desire to lose weight when she had told some of her co-workers.

At that same time, Hillary had tried to start working out again. Having not worked out for nearly two whole years had made Hillary quite weak. She thought about renewing the expired gym membership in her purse but was too afraid to go back. She had old gym friends who probably still worked out there and was hesitant to show off what a blob she had become. Hillary also was too self-conscious to go jogging in her neighborhood. Virtually anywhere where people could see her struggle was off-limits, so Hillary resorted to home workouts. It was torture. Her body just wasn't equipped to be pushed anymore. Her jumping jacks were pathetic, her push-ups weak, and her sit-ups were laughable. All the while, Hillary's body had become so cumbersome and awkward to move that it wore down her confidence rather quickly. After just three days, Hillary took a break from working out. That break had lasted nearly three months. Sometimes she would occasionally lie to Finn on the weekends, getting dressed in her work out gear and leaving the house. Instead, she'd end up at a fast-food drive-in. She wanted to give the appearance that she was trying, but she wasn't sure who was buying it anymore. She certainly wasn't.

While Hillary continued to eat her feelings, she heard a pair of people enter the bathroom.

"And it was just so out of the blue too. We were both working late, Tony was flirting with me, I was flirting with him.. and then.. he just put his hand on my leg. My heart was racing, of course.. until he just flat out asked me if I wanted to go get dinner this weekend." Hillary could make out the voice as Jenna's.

"So, what did you say?" Another voice said. Hillary couldn't make out who it was.

"I told him.. 'What took you so long,' haha." Jenna giggled.

"Shut. Up. You did not! awwww I'm so happy for you, Jenna. Tony is just so hot. So, where is he taking you?"

"We're going to Trada. I'm so excited. I really want this to go well. I definitely caught some feelings for him. It's just.. oh.. nevermind."

"What?"

& quot;Well.. I'm pretty new to this office.. does Tony have any history with anyone here? Anyone I should be worried about."

"Hmm, no I think.. oh wait.." The other girl started giggling.

"What!?" Jenna sounded both eager and nervous about her friend's answer.

"He kind of dated.. Hillary for a bit."

"Wait. What!? Hillary!? like the secretary Hillary?!" Jenna seemed as if she was unable to process this news. Meanwhile, Hillary crammed a doughnut stick in her mouth, wishing she was anywhere else but in this bathroom, listening in.

"Yea.. but I don't think it was too serious."

"He dated her??! Red flag. Serious red flag. That's so gross.. I didn't know Tony was into bigger girls. Is he one of those chubby chasers? I think that's the term, right? "

"Oh. Oh oh.. no, it's not like that at all.. It was like two years ago or something. Hillary wasn't fat back then. She dated him before the secretary spread hit her hard."

"Huh.. oh.. okay.." Jenna seemed to be processing all of this in real time. "Hillary? I just assumed she was always a fatty."

"No, seriously. Believe it or not, Hillary was actually super hot. Check out her Instagram." There was a long pause as the other girl showed Jenna her phone.

"Woah.. That was Hillary? Holy shit, she was super cute. And she was a cheerleader?! And was in Kappa Kappa Gamma! Oh wow! someone ballooned. Thank god too. If she was walking around looking like this, I'd have some serious competition."

"Tell me about it. Someone told me that Tony pretty much ghosted her as soon as he saw that her office ass was growing out of control."

"Yuck. Yea, I would literally rather die than end up looking like her. Every time I see her or that other secretary Rachel waddling around, I just want to run straight to the gym. Did you see what Hillary was wearing today?"

"No, haven't seen her yet."

"Oh my god.. it's awful. No self-awareness from that one, I'm telling you. This whole weight gain thing is clicking now that you've told me. It looks like she stuffed herself in the smallest clothes that would fit her. "

"Yea, I figured that was the case. It's been like that for a while. I don't think she really knows how to dress for her size. She should probably get some tips for Rachel. At least she dresses more modestly."

Jenna giggled again. "Yea, I guess you're right. Hillary has got to know that no one wants to see that disaster zone of a body."

Hillary heard footsteps walk across the floor to leave the bathroom before the other girl spoke. "Well, almost everyone. Have you heard the rumor about..." And then they were gone.

Eyes red and gentle tears starting to go down her cheeks, Hillary did her best to recollect herself. She shoved the last doughnut stick into her mouth, feeling now more than ever how tight her clothes were on her body. Instead of scolding herself for eating so much, Hillary blamed her bloated appearance on the fact that she hadn't put on her Shapewear this morning. It had just become such a chore to get on, that it added 10 minutes to her morning routine. Ten minutes she would preferably use for sleeping.

It was strange for Hillary to be the target of bullying. Being on the receiving end of it was new for her. Sure she had encountered catty jealous girls that she had to compete with over men. This intimidation was radically different. It was one-sided and hard for Hillary to defend against. It wasn't like Hillary wasn't a stranger to bullying. Her cheer squad wasn't the most body-positive group of girls, and her sorority had an unwritten rule of no fat pledges. Hillary herself had voted down a pledge since she was 15 pounds overweight.

As Hillary stood up uneasily, she crumpled up her fast-food bag. Hillary gave her belly a rub and let out a satisfied belch. As her hand ran over her stomach, she winced at how packed full she felt. Looking down, Hillary softly swore. Not only had she just rubbed doughnut glaze and sugar on her shirt, but there was a grease stain from her breakfast sandwich on her chest.

Leaving the stall, Hillary realized she had overdone it with breakfast again. She breathed out, cradling her packed stomach. The comments Jenna had made on Hillary's outfit piqued Hillary's morbid curiosity. Usually, she wouldn't look at herself in the mirror twice in one day. Hillary regretted looking. Everything that Jenna had said moments ago was accurate.