chapter 1 - confessions

After leaving Nick at the ‘Death Blossom’ pub, Roberto and Chloe walked in the silent night, holding hands under the pale glare of the streetlights. They were heading to some cocktail bar were Chloe wanted to dance with him. And she did. They danced, kissed and drank vodka until the bouncers finally kicked them out with the rest of the wasted youngsters that wanted to continue partying until dawn.

“Hahaha! You are ***d!” said Chloe.

“I hate vodka” responded Roberto with a hand on his stomach, feeling a bit sick, “I’m telling you, in Spain we don’t drink this cat piss.”

“What do you drink over there, Mr.I’mTooPussyForVodka?”

“Rum. Rum is the best.”

“Rum? What are you? A pirate?”

“Yes. And I going to board your ship and take no prisoners” said Roberto, holding her waist with his big hands and giving her a kiss.

“Not so fast, Sparrow. This sailor needs some fuel. I’m starving!”

As they were approaching Chloe’s flat, they entered a fast food joint that made their living from selling their junk to drunk youngsters on their way home. Roberto asked for a burger with fries while Chloe ordered a kebab. They sat on a remote table and started to devour their food.

“I really shouldn’t be eating this crap. I’ve put on some weight since we started dating.”

“I noticed. You are so fat now” joked Roberto, throwing her some fries.

“Piss off, idiot! Haha” laughed Chloe, while she ate the fries, “Mmm. They are sooo good!! Not, but, seriously, I’ve gained like 6 pounds.”

“That’s nothing, cariño. You look amazing.”

“Well, I think I look good and all that but…” Chloe hesitated.

Roberto’s heart was racing, he thought to himself, ‘Is she embracing the weight? Is this the right moment to tell her about my kink?’

He didn’t know if it was the alcohol reasoning but he saw it clear. This was the moment. He was going to tell her everything. He was sure of his success…

“Chloe, I think you look hot at any weight, in fact…”

“I need to tell you something” said Chloe abruptly.

“Er… Sure. What is it?”

“It’s something I’ve been wanting to tell you from the first day that we started dating but… I didn’t have the courage. I was afraid you would leave me or think less of me. For that reason, I’ve been holding it in so long. But you are too good, and I really like you. I don’t know how long we’ll last together, I hope it is a lot, and all that shit, you know, but I really believe in honesty, and I know that if I’m not completely honest with you that it will deteriorate our relationship in the long run… Ok, here we go. Oh, don’t put that face, I’m not dying, idiot. But, listen. It’s something kinda serious too.”

“Holy shit, Chloe. You are scaring me.”

“Ok, listen. Long story short. Remember when you saw a picture of me when I was 14 and you were shocked with how skinny I was back then and I told you that it was because I became a pescatarian for a while and I lost shit ton of weight? Well… Thaaaat was a lie. I wasn’t pescatarian… I was... suffering from an ED.”

“ED? What’s that?”

“Ah, shit. I sometimes remember you are from another country. ED stands for ‘Eating Disorder’. You know, anorexia and all that.”

“Shit.”

“Yeah. Shit.”

Roberto left his side of the booth and sat beside Chloe, surrounding her with his arms and kissing her forehead.

“But, you are ok, now? Right?” said Roberto, breaking the silence.

“Yeah!! I’ve been ‘officially’ recovered from it five years now. But, you know, it’s something that kinda follows you. Sometimes, when I don’t feel too good about myself, I don’t know if it’s a normal person thought or it’s the beginning of another breakdown. And I get a bit paranoid…”

“I see. But you just said that you gained some pounds and you still like how you look. That’s a good symptom.”

“Absolutely! I like how I look... I think I just need to be careful with what I eat. I just don’t want to let myself go, not that I don’t think that a fatty can’t be beautiful, it’s that I don’t know how my mind would deal with it. I know I’m fine at this weight, that my poor little head is happy now. But what if I gain more and I start finding myself ugly… will it bring back old demons? I don’t want the wheel to start spinning again…”

“Cariño, there is nothing wrong with you. You are beautiful. And you will always will be… Well, you like vodka, for sure that’s something wrong but, I mean, nothing to serious.”

“***.”

“I still love you, you know.”

“I love you too.”

After finishing their meals, Roberto took Chloe to her flat and kissed her goodbye. He had to work in a few hours so he couldn’t spend the night with her.

When he got to his flat, he found Nick crashed on the sofa. Roberto slept a couple of hours, took a shower and left for work still thinking about Chloe’s confession. That was game changing. Knowing that she was an ED survivor he couldn’t feel comfortable sharing his kink with her. He couldn’t place the weight of his kinks on a girl that had spent her adolescence hating her body. It just felt wrong. Telling her about that he preferred her chubbier could make her doubt herself again. Now that she was at peace with her body, he didn’t want to say to her “you are not good enough like that” “you would be better if your body would be this way”. Knowing what he knew now, it would be so miserable to tell her his fucked up kink and mess with her body image again. He couldn’t do that to her. He wouldn’t. It was decided.