chapter 5

I stood in the shower, staring blankly at the tiled wall as the water hit my body and trickled down my folds of fat. I didn’t know how many thorough scrubbings I gave my body, but I could still smell it, the stench of food, of bingeing. The scent of food and grease mixed with sweat stayed with me, haunted me with what had just happened.

What *had* just happened? I was going for a walk, and—

“Oh God.” I closed my eyes and hit my forehead against the tile. I didn’t want to think about it, it was all too much. I must have had a mental breakdown, started hallucinating then fell into a dumpster.

“But that doesn’t explain those sweet, savory flavors on my tongue, dumb piggy.” I was surprised at myself, but wasn’t wrong. I focused on the aftertastes still bathing my mouth. I must have gone on some sort of food adventure if this is what I was left with. I was almost sad that I couldn’t remember it.

I grabbed a towel, trying to get it to wrap around my chest and belly, but sighing in disgust when it wouldn’t connect. I knew that I needed to call Carey and ask if I could see her sooner than Friday. Maybe I would have to seriously consider starting medication if I was starting to hallucinate. It was a scary thought, but I opened my phone to send her an email before I could lose my courage.

“Carey,

Do you have any openings tomorrow morning? I had a major panic attack that I would like to discuss, along with the possibility of starting medication to help tackle those attacks.


Thank you for your help, I look forward to hearing from you soon,

Sarah”

It wasn’t long until Carey shot back an email asking if 8 o’clock would be a good time. It was a little early for me, but I was desperate. She was so kind in her tone, it immediately put me at ease:

“Hey Sarah! I am so sorry to hear you had an episode yesterday, I would be happy to meet with you. Would 8 o’clock tomorrow morning be okay? I’ll have a little extra time between appointments in case you’d like to talk a little longer.

Never hesitate to send me a line.

-Carey