chapter 10

The internal line chirped. Hailey's extension number popped on the display.

"Josh?" she sounded a bit disturbed. "She was just here. In my office!"

"Who?" I thought of everyone from Hailey's red-headed double-D supervisor to my boss and amateur archer, Mrs. O'Sullivan.

"Tanya!"

"Oh," I Sighed. What was that blond rascal up to now?

"She was dressed as a cheerleader. You know, with a tiny red top with Devil written on it, high heel boots, white stockings. Her skirt was basically just a thick belt."

"Yeah, Emma had that cheerleading outfit too. Hers read Bacon. They sometimes dressed like that going out when Emma was about 100 pounds lighter. As you can imagine, some people were pretty offended, which, I guess, was the whole point. Sadly Emma ripped it at 350 and that was the end of their fat positive cheerleading squad."

"Ah," Hailey said, her voice now filled with curiosity, "I wish I could see that."

“No problem. Tanya has a video of the police trying to take Emma into custody and charge her with public indecency. Tanya made such a scene that the police escorted us home and apologized for Emma getting so fat that she ripped her dress in the middle of a crosswalk.”

"Us?" Hailey asked carefully. "You said: 'police escorted us'. You didn't wear a cheerleader dress as well, did you?"

"Oh no. Don't worry," I laughed.

I didn't. But only by the skin of my teeth. Tanya tried every trick in the book to make me wear one. She promised so many sexual favors in so many ways that for a month I would wake up in the middle of the night with a hard-on, wondering if even half of them were physically possible. However, as a man of strong convictions, I refused to wear a cheerleading costume with Sperm Donor written on it, despite being offered generous compensation to ensure my anxiety from such action would be fully relieved. Plus, seeing Emma stuffed into a dress meant for someone half her size made me so stiff with excitement that a miniskirt was out of the question.
Yes, I walked very unnaturally that day. In my very tight jeans. My limp was probably the reason why I was offered a ride in the police car with a half-naked Devil Bacon cheerleading squad.

"At first I couldn't even recognize her with all that makeup. She made quite the racket on the floor. Singing “I'm comin' up so you better get this party started.” People thought it was some kind of social media marketing. They took selfies with her and asked for autographs. Did you notice how stunning she could look when she put effort into it?"

I weighed my options. "No, never," I lied.

Hailey could very well see through me like a mouse through a slice of Swiss cheese, but saying no, while neither of us was blind to Tanya's effortless looks, seemed still like the right call. Since Hailey knew what I was thinking and I knew that Hailey knew, was it even a lie? I would say no, but don't quote me.
It was just a much shorter version of: 'Hailey, I really care about you, and even this Slavic natural disaster, with her long wavy blond hair that somehow always ends up in my face, and those blue eyes that may look just like yours, but are armed and dangerous, and that constant amusing look on her face, and that slightly open mouth that always looks like it has just been kissed, and that strange head full of sex and ridiculous ideas, none of that even registers with me. None! I even forgot she dates my uber-sexy fat ex-girlfriend, who I may still have tiny feelings for. And yes, I may have had sex with her occasionally, sometimes more than occasionally, but it is all just between friends. That's what roommates do, right?'

I heard sobbing from the receiver. I panicked. Shit, did I just say all that out loud?

"Hailey, are you crying?"

"What!?" Hailey asked with a shock in her voice, as if I had just asked her if she were a red panda named Philip. "I'm eating. Tanya brought me a fabulous cake. She said, just to cheer me up. I’ll save you a slice. It has those things, like a tree."

"Leaves?"

"No, silly." Hailey giggled. "It has layers like annual rings. Loads of them. Filled with hazelnut cream. Loads of it. Oh, it is so yummy."

"Damn," I said, disappointed. "I wanted to take you out for a cake after work."

"Well, it is only 3 pm..." Hayley said quickly. It sounded almost like an apology as if the cake she was eating was somehow her fault. "And I already ate most of it anyway," she added even faster with a hope in her voice.

The strange crying sounds returned. "Sorry, I have hiccups. I think I ate too fast.”
For the next half-minute, her attention was solely focused on the cake. "Uh, it's quite filling," she said at last. "Hey, did you two make some weird bet about me again? Be honest."

"We might," I said.

"Tell me."

"I think Tanya is now trying to fatten you to 400 pounds. Within a year."

For a while the phone was silent. All I could hear was the squeaking of the data storage fan. It would have to be replaced again. That is like the third time this year.

"Oh, it makes sense now," Hailey finally said. "Josh?"

"Yes?"

"400 pounds is a lot!"

"I know."

"So---," she said, stretching the syllable until she had to breathe in again, "Maybe you could start helping her?" She giggled into the phone. "How about you pick me up after work and we can go for that cake you promised. I'd also like to have some pizza and maybe you could take me to the movies and then for ice cream?" She sounded very excited, talking faster and faster. "After that, we need to hurry back home because Tanya said she will bake me something that will blow my socks off - "

Her voice suddenly broke. "- Oh no… !"

I felt my heart sink. "Hailey, what just happened?"

"I wanted to save you a bit of the cake," she said gravely. "but I ate it all."

I could almost see her cute chubby face being saddened by this tragedy, her eyebrows frowned and her lower lip pouted. Perhaps even a tiny tear in the corner of her eye.

I wanted to run to the fifth floor and save my girlfriend with hugs. Maybe I'll go. No, I'll definitely go! While on my way, I could grab a few candy bars from the vending machine on the second floor. After all that stress, it wouldn't be fair to meet my girlfriend empty-handed, would it?