Feed me, melanie

chapter 3: a moment of candor (annie)

To be perfectly honest, I’ve never been a particularly voracious eater and the thought of blowing up into a gargantuan ball of lard had always frightened me more than it intrigued me. At a young age, pressure to be practically perfect in every way ingrained in me such a strong sense of shame that I wasn’t able to comprehend the feedee seedling within me. Before I could even recognize those impulses of sexual desire and endless want, perhaps need, to get bigger and fatter…they were stamped out by fear of disappointing my mom, falling short of her high expectations. She never explicitly said anything about my weight, but her disapproval was about as subtle as a bull let loose in a glassware boutique. It was most obvious in her commentary about others, such as a family member who seemed slightly larger than they had when she last saw them.
I never struggled with my weight growing up but I was well aware of the consequences I might face if I somehow gained a pound or two my mother deemed unacceptable or, god forbid, “unhealthy.” She meant no harm, but her understanding of “health” was misaligned with being thin. If the body indicates a person’s state of clinical well being, fat was like an onerous specter to avoid at all costs. Arbitrary systems which correlate size to rankings of well-being and fitness confirmed and justified her preconceived anti-fat biases masquerading as health concerns. Thinking back, how healthy can it possibly be to make your child so aware of their weight, caloric intake, and diet that the prospect of being fat was not only knowledgeably frowned upon but something to innately fear? Coming out to my parents was far less anxiety inducing than the mere possibility of coming home 15 or 20 pounds heavier than a previous visit. How fucked up is that?

Maybe if I was raised without the pervasive influence of diet culture, both in and outside of my home life, I might be bigger than the conventional dictates of a “healthy” weight. Hell, I might even be happier.

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Thanks so much for reading! Picture creds to overweightpaula​ on tumblr