Chapter 7a: Jackie

The rest of my day levelled off, but I was pleased to head home. Danielle and I shared our usual banter in the car during the ride home. Traffic was light and we bade each other a good night as I parked the car, and we headed off in our respective directions.

I took the stairs to my apartment and let myself in and shut the door behind me. I leaned against it, feeling the firmness of the wood against my back as I exhaled deeply. An animal purr followed by the flutter of my pant legs informed me that Oliver was on the prowl.

“Hiya buddy.” I said, leaning forward to give him a few pats on the back and run my fingers down his furry spine. I winced a little, my belt synching into my middle.

Heading down the hall, I put my keys and bag on the little hallway table and make to unlatch my belt and unbutton the top button of my pants. Even though they are elasticated in the waist, they feel a size too small, but the relief is welcome and I feel my belly spring forward with the accommodating room.

My phone pings, and I fish it out of my pocket and stare at the screen. It’s an alert reminding me that I have a Zoom call with Dr. Jackie at 6:00pm. I note the time and decide to pour a glass of wine before settling in to make a quick dinner.

Walking to the fridge, I poke around, but I don’t have any chilled wine. Oliver follows me like a shadow, always curious of what his human is up to.

I go to the cupboard cum pantry and pick out a bottle of white and twist off the cap. Did you know that $10 wine has twist off caps now? I walk over to the kitchen cabinet and grab a glass and fill the wine three-quarters of the way to top. Setting it down, I head back to the fridge and grab some ice from the freezer and plonk the cubes into the glass, the liquid nearly reaching the rim. I put the rest of the bottle into the fridge to chill and I walk away, giving the contents of the wine time to sufficiently chill before taking that first post-day sip.

I don’t know why, but today I’ve felt a little melancholy and rather than trying to dissect the meaning, I’ll just save it for my time with Dr. Jackie.

I grab the glass of wine and head into the living room, setting it down in the tabletop which is where my laptop resides. I open up the lid of the computer and wait for it to boot up, flicking on an overhead light before sitting down.

The first sip of wine is always the best, even if it’s cheap and the dryness hits my palate as I swallow. I close my eyes, savoring the taste and put the glass down and log on.

I open my email and click the tab of my scheduled meeting with Dr. Jackie. I click the link, high lighted and underlined in blue and the Zoom app opens. The screen is black and the words ‘Please wait, the meeting host will let you in soon,’ appear.

Oliver takes this moment to leap up on the tabletop and twist himself between me, my wine and the computer. I move the glass far away, but not before taking a large sip.

“Tell me about your day, Oliver. Tell me about your parents. Are you having any feelings of dread today? What is the temperature of your mood?” I say aloud as he twists himself and arches his back, getting all of my attention as my fingers work to pet, stroke and tickle him under the chin. He looks at me as I repeat the words, clearly wanting me to pet more and speak less. Message loud and clear, Oliver.

I pet Oliver and note the time, feeling less and less motivated to make dinner after my Zoom session with Dr. Jackie. I decide to order take out and pull up the Grub Hub menu for a Korean BBQ place just down the road. If I set up the order, I can subtly press send on my phone during our session so that by the time it’s over, the food should arrive.

He settles down between me and my laptop and I stroke his back as I prep the order, selecting Chicken and Broccoli and Pad Thai noodles and a side of spring rolls from the online menu. Oliver’s eyes begin to close, and he lets out a long, low purr. I reach for my wine glass, but before I can, the Zoom window opens and the image of a woman with warm brown eyes and brunette hair appears before me. The wine will have to wait.

I unmute and say, “Good evening, Dr. Jackie.”

“Good evening Theo. And Jackie is fine.” She says, adjusting the angle of her screen. She always reminds me to call her by her first name. She says it helps to balance the power between doctor and patient. Today she’s wearing her hair up and she also has her glasses on. She usually wears contact lenses, but today it’s the glasses. I see her reach towards her camera, and I know that she is adjusting the light behind as the reflection bounces off her lenses until she’s satisfied the glare is mostly gone.

“Is that better? My last client had trouble seeing my eyes.” She says brightly, smiling through her computer at me.

“Yes, you’re good. Can you see me clearly?” I say and she nods.

“Oh, no pets please. But tell Oliver I say hello.” I see her peering through her screen, her eyes looking down towards the bottom of my image and I see Oliver’s tail lazily flicking up like a periscope.

Dr. Jackie doesn’t have many rules, but a few of the more poignant ones for our sessions are to have hands free of comfort items, no texting or web browsing during session, no eating or drinking (hence the wine behind my laptop), camera and sound always on, and to try to minimize bathroom breaks to only when necessary.

“Right, sorry.” I say, shooing Oliver out of the way. He glares at me, then to the screen, suddenly as if to say that we are interrupting him before shuffling off to the side of the table. He leaps off like an acrobat and settles himself somewhere on the couch.

“We’re good.” I say.

“Thank You Theo. Now, how are you today?” She peers through the screen at me and although her face is friendly, I know she’s taking everything in.

“I’m good. Well, okay. How are you?”

“I’m well, just finished a conference abroad in Europe, that’s why I had to push our last session out another week. I even took a train to get there, how old-world is that?”

“Oh yeah? Was it good?” I say, folding my arms across the desk table and leaning in. My eyes flick to my screen where the picture in picture shows me in miniature in the corner, Dr. Jackie taking up the remainder of the screen. In my thumbnail, I look like I have an even bigger double chin than I normally do, so I tilt my head down to a more flattering view.

“It was fun. I had a conference and met a lovely fellow during my travels. But we’re here to talk about you.” *

Her smile was extra bright, and I noticed that her face looked a little fuller than it had since the last time we had a session. Although, it could be a trick of the light, or maybe she had a tan.

My eyes flick to the wine behind my camera and I’m desperate for a sip. I resist the temptation. “Uh, I’m good.” I say.

Jackie nods, her eyes never leaving mine. We stare at each other for a few silent seconds. “So, shall we just gaze into each other’s eye, Theo?” She asks. This is one of her prompts for me to keep talking. Jackie is not cheap, and this is her gentle reminder.

“No, sorry. Um, well I did have a few things on my mind lately.” I begin, my hand reaching back to scratch an inch that doesn’t exist on the back of my neck. She nods waiting for me to continue.

“Well, I have two things. One was a dream and the other was surrounding food today at the office.”

“Why don’t you tell me about the food first, as it is the more recent of your events?” She says.

“Okay…”

After I’m finished, Jackie sits there for a moment in apparent thought. “Okay, we’ve been down this road before with you, your mother and food. Tell me, what do you think happened today?”

I exhale deeply, “I guess sometimes when I feel stressed, old family feelings can slither into my daily goings-on. I mean, I wasn’t even hungry, and I know I need to start taking better care of myself.”

Jackie nods. “And are you concerned that this could become an unhappy relationship with food or with your mother? Do you often associate her and those childhood traumas of ‘clearing your plate’, despite the urge to eat for survival absent?”

I think for a moment. “No? I mean no. I mean, I think that I eat when I get stressed. I’m sure everyone has that feeling once in a while.” She says nothing but waits for me to continue. “I just felt like I had an impulse to eat, despite not being hungry and then I had that flashback from my childhood, and I feel like that sealed the deal with me finishing off the plate of goodies.”

“Yes, I see.” Says Jackie after a moment. “And did you have any more goodies after that? Or any other snacks?”

I don’t say anything for a moment and my eyes shift away from the computer screen.

“Theo, remember this is a safe space.”

“Yes, I helped myself to about half the box…” I say.

“Okay, and how did that make you feel?”

“At first, I felt nothing other than the thrill of getting away with something I know was not right in the moment, especially to the rest of my coworkers. Then, I felt ashamed and put in an order for more baked goods for tomorrow to be delivered anonymously.”

“And do you feel you will be able to control yourself tomorrow when the baked goods arrive?” She asks, tilting her head to the side and adjusting her glasses.

“I do. I feel I go through these binge cycles once in a while and then they settle down.” I say.

“Hmm, you said ‘binge’. Let’s table that for a second and tell me about the dream.” She looks down and I suspect she’s checking her watch. We’re about halfway through our session and my mind drifts to hitting send on my DoorDash order. The urge to reach for my phone is tempting, but I hold off.

“Well, I had this, sort of dream.”

“Was this the Shadow Dream again?” She asks. I nod my head.

“And what did you see in the dream this time?”

“It’s always the same. Always in shadow. The bodiless and facelessness of a shadow. It’s a man, I know it is. I feel his shadow wrap around me, surrounding me. I am never afraid. He feels like he’s a part of me. I’m always…happy by the end.” My cheeks flush.

“Does this dream still cause erections. Do you still masturbate to this dream?” She asks, her face impassive. Jackie doesn’t pull punches, though her bluntness used to make me cringe with self-embarrassment.

“I…yes.”

H er face warms. “You don’t need to be embarrassed, Theo. Masturbation to dreams is common and one can find one’s self awoken to a wet dream, a nocturnal emission if you like. Please continue. What else can you remember from this dream?”

“I feel that I am alone, then I am not alone. That I feel fulfilled. I am loved and held and satisfied.”

“What does the shadow do in your dream? Are you intimate with your shadow, is it intimate with you?”

I think back to the dream, dreams I’ve had. “I guess you could say that it is a bit of both?”
Jackie nods, “Hmm. Recall that the ID is your unconsciousness, which is the animal part of your personality. It, for example is the driver for sex, survival and the want to thrive. It, for example would be the thing that urges you to give in and metaphorically eat your weight in cake.”

My stomach tightens and I feel heat rise up in my loins as she says this. Did she mean to pick an analogy that would trigger my body like that, or was it mere coincidence?

“Whereas the EGO is where your conscious mind resides and has the difficult job of satisfying the wild desires of the ID in a realistic and socially acceptable way and battles with your SUPEREGO which is the morally correct and judgmental part of your personality.”

I nod, remembering many of our previous sessions where the ID, EGO and SUPEREGO were discussed.

“So, in this example, if your ID tells you to eat as much cake as it wants you to, your SUPEREGO tells you this is not a wise decision—you could get a tummy ache for instance. And your EGO balances the two out between what is socially right versus what is morally right: having some cake, but not all the cake. Make sense?”

“Yes, it does.” I say.

“So, what do you think your dream is telling you, Theo?”

“I..I don’t know.”

“Saying ‘I don’t know’, means you know.” She says, steepling her fingers and waiting for my response. Jackie is good.

I smile with a sideways smirk and rub the back of my neck with my hand. I really want that drink. “Well, in the dream, when my shadow and his shadow merge, we create a bigger shadow.” I feel my belly radiate with warmth and feel my cheeks flush.

“Theo, your face is having a reaction, I can see it. Don’t lose focus. Free associate. Do it now.”

I close my eyes and nod my head. I take a deep breath in and hold the space. I tip my head up and feel a warmth radiate through me as I exhale. I begin to get flashes through the darkness. I can feel my head loll from side to side and I bite my lower lip.

I’m vaguely aware of saying words aloud for Jackie’s benefit as I hold focus, but I feel a veil has been cast over my eyes as I dive deeper into the darkness. I hear my voice growing fainter as I am consumed.

The shadow appears and it wants me, and I want it. I want on top of me, underneath me, behind me. I want to take the shadow in my mouth. It’s consuming me, filling me. I’m getting bigger…too big…not big enough. Voices fill the space, quiet voices…my voice. Urging me on. I hear panting, it’s masculine and I feel my heart race and my stomach flutters, my belly is pushing out and I hear the ripping of cloth. Heat from my groin feels like lava and I feel pain. Pain and pleasure as another voice begins to fill the cavernous void.

* Jackie appears in Chance Encounter on a Train