chapter 12

"Quite the man cave you've got here," Amy said as she entered Cassie's cramped apartment filled with books and memorabilia from video games and movies.

Cassie blushed a little. "I guess I'm not used to having girls over."

While Cassie busied herself in the kitchen Amy continued to look around. A fearsome black dragon rested on a pile of Philip K. Dick novels while a blue female alien leaned coquettishly against a book of Pokemon cards. Her eyes settled on a figure given pride of place on Cassie's desk. The figure was a massive woman with voluminous hair of pink ringlets and wearing a flowing white and lilac dress of many layers that accentuated rather than disguised her large bust and wide girth. She gripped a sword and pink shield in her chubby but powerful looking arms.

"What is this?" Amy asked, picking up the giant woman to examine her closer.
"Haven't you ever seen Steven Universe?"
"I must have missed that one..."
"That's Rose Quartz," Cassie said, her eyes lighting up with nerdy enthusiasm. "She's amazing! So beautiful, powerful and compassionate."
"I guess I'll have to take your word for it," she said, returning the distasteful object to its original place.
"Anyway, take a seat. Dinner is almost ready."

Cassie placed before her three plump scallops cooked to golden perfection and beautifully presented in their shell. Their sweet freshness was complimented by pea pur�e and contrasted by tiny cubes of chorizo that released their spicy and pungent oils. Amy was a little relieved by the daintiness of the dish. It was so delicious that she could have gobbled down a lot more given half a chance.

"You're a really good cook."
"I had to learn to cook to help my parents out but we never really had much money to spend on food. When I moved away college, got a job and suddenly had my own money I got a little bit obsessed and probably spent more than I should have on eating in nice restaurants and buying expensive ingredients." Cassie said. "But to be honest I don't cook anywhere near as much as I used to so it's nice to have someone worth making an effort for."

"Well, I'm glad that I'm someone worth making at effort for."

Amy felt a tiny twinge in her heart at how easy it was to make Cassie blush.

"Have you ever considered being a chef?"
"Sweating in a hot kitchen and being shouted at all day? Thanks, but I think I'll pass," Cassie made a face.
Amy laughed
"What about you? Do you like to cook?"

Amy hesitated. She wasn't sure that having almost identical meals of grilled chicken with vegetables every night exactly counted as "cooking".

"Not really."
"I better go check on the main course."

Main course? Oh. She had thought that this was it.

Cassie emerged from the kitchen carrying two enormous plates laden with lamb racks, dauphinois potatoes, asparagus and red wine sauce.

Cassie gave her a little sheepish smile when she noticed Amy's eyes widen at how much food there was. "That's the problem with coming from a big family, it can be hard to break the habit of cooking to feed an army."

Amy ate in restaurants as rarely as having some semblance of a social life would allow because not knowing the exact calories in everything she ate made her feel out of control. The dish was something she never would have dreamed of ordering off a menu because it was so rich and heavy: the meat had a thick, crisp layer of fat, the potatoes were drenched in cream, the sauce was sweet and sticky with copious amounts of red wine and even the vegetables were glazed in butter. She didn't dare guess at the number of calories. And yet she felt touched by the amount of care and attention that Cassie had clearly put into preparing it for her.

She took a bite and her senses were alive with flavours and textures. It was good. SO good. She suddenly felt ravenous, as if she hadn't eaten in years. She just wanted to dive in, to devour the whole plate with gluttonous abandon but she feared shaming herself. She didn't want Cassie to catch a glimpse of the greedy fat girl who had been starving inside her for all these years so she took small, careful bites and chewed slowly.

"Just how many siblings do you have?"
"One sister and four brothers."
"That's... A lot of testosterone."
"Tell me about it," Cassie rolled her eyes.
"How long have you worked at the pharmacy?" Amy asked, keen to avoid awkward silences.
"Only a year. It's my dad's business. We had an agreement that he would pay for me to go to college if I worked there after I graduated and took it over when he retires."
"Do you like it?"
Cassie shrugged. "Parental attention was pretty thin on the ground when I was growing up. My mom always thought I was weird compared to my sister but my dad and I were always close. Having an interest in chemistry and science gave us something to bond over. Especially because my brothers aren't exactly academic."
"That doesn't really answer my question."
Cassie's eyes darkened a little. "I guess I never thought I would spend five years of my life training just to work in a shop and advise old ladies about feminine dryness."
"Feminine dryness?!"
"Yes! They're obsessed! My dad thinks it's hilarious to hide in the back and leave me to deal with them," she smiled but looked a little embarrassed. "My life must seem pretty boring compared to your's."
"I wouldn't be so sure. I'm 27 years old and living with my mom."
"Yeah, but you're going back to London soon."
"Actually, I lost my job a couple of days ago."

She was amazed by how easily she was able to say the words that had been choking her.

"I'm sorry," Cassie reached out and gently stroked her hand before shyly retreating.

"Don't be. I used to think that I loved my job but now I see that it just kept me so busy that I didn't have to think about anything else."

She was only aware of how true her words were when she heard them said aloud.

Her fork scraped against the bottom of her plate and she realised that somehow she had managed to eat everything while distracted by conversation. She noticed that Cassie had eaten considerably less but as she rose to clear the table Cassie looked pleased rather than shocked or disgusted at Amy's empty plate.

"Can I tempt you with dessert?"

"F*ck yes," a voice deep within her breathed lustily but she heard her voice say: "I don't really like sweet things."

What a liar.

"Suit yourself but I can never resist chocolate so I'm definitely going to have some."

While Cassie was in the kitchen she looked down and realised that her shirt had ridden up to reveal a small roll of fat that bulged out over her jeans. She quickly pulled her shirt down, praying that Cassie hadn't noticed.

Cassie returned with a large slice of chocolate tart and a big scoop of salted caramel ice cream for herself.

"Are you sure you won't at least try it?" Cassie coaxed. "Just one bite? I promise you'll like it."

Would it really be so bad to give in to temptation? Why couldn't she just enjoy something for once? Why couldn't she just be... happy?

Amy let Cassie feed her a spoonful of the chocolate tart. It was her turn to blush as she felt a little involuntary shiver of pleasure pass through her.

"It's good, right?"
Amy uttered a little nervous laugh. "Yeah, it's really good."

Cassie took a small bite of the tart and then offered another large spoonful to Amy. She was so full from everything she had already eaten but still she allowed Cassie to feed her. It spoke to a desire, a longing within her that went beyond hunger. When the plate was clear she barely noticed that she had eaten most of the dessert herself, Cassie had only taken a few small bites.

When the night was over Amy lingered at the doorway, half expectant, half hopeful but Cassie only squeezed her arm. "I'll call you tomorrow."

Amy called Chloe as soon as she got home.
"How are things in Pleasantville?"
"Actually... Pretty good."
"Wait, this must be a bad line or something. Did I just hear you say 'good'?"
"Yeah, good. I went on a date."
"Oh! What's her name? Do you like her?" Chloe's voice was already rising with excitement.
"Her name is Cassie and yes, she's pretty and sweet and... I like her."
"Oh, Amy..."
"What?"
"Nothing . I'm just really happy for you."
"Oh for God's sake, pull yourself together! It was one date. It's not like we're getting married and having gay babies. Honestly, if you cry I'm hanging up."
"No! Don't hang up." Chloe insisted. "I promise I won't cry. Tell me all about it."
"It was great. She cooked me dinner, we talked for hours but... She didn't kiss me. In fact, she squeezed my arm which might be a level of friend zoning beyond the platonic hug."
"Are you sure she's gay?"
"Well, she wears a lot of plaid and has those hipster glasses. I just kind of assumed."
"Maybe she really is just shortsighted."
"Just because she's not immediately throwing herself at me doesn't mean she's straight."
"No way, you are a total stud. If she's not interested then there's no way she's gay."
"You just don't quit, do you?"
"Not even slightly."

As she hung up the phone she caught a glimpse of her reflection in her bedroom mirror and sighed. She could not admit to Chloe that she was gaining weight again. It wasn't that she feared her judgement. They knew every excruciating detail of each other's lives and still loved one another unconditionally but she could not unravel with words the peculiar hold that food had over her.

She had gained another 4lbs and felt uncomfortable in all but her loosest fitting clothes. She loathed feeling like she was constantly spilling out of her bras and bursting out of her jeans. She stared at her reflection and felt only revulsion for the unmistakably fuller face that stared back at her. She felt so foolish. How could she expect anyone to look upon this grotesquely bloated version of herself with desire?