chapter 14

Cassie did not call her the next day or the days that followed. With only her mom's hospital appointments and half-heartedly searching for a new job in London to occupy her time, Amy found herself obsessing over the date and scrutinising her every word and action that night. She could only reach the conclusion that the problem was that she had let Cassie catch a glimpse of the repulsive pig faced girl of her past.

And yet still she found herself descending the stairs in the night and sneaking into the kitchen. She didn't turn on the lights, telling herself that it was so as not to disturb her mother who was exhausted during the day but slept fitfully at night. But the truth was that if she ate in the dark it was easier to give herself up to mindless gorging. If she could not see her own ravenous reflection in the refrigerator door then she could detach herself from her actions and pretend that she was as helpless to resist as a sleepwalker.

How long could these secret stuffing sessions remain hidden? In the harsh light of day she knew that they were taking their toll on her body and her late night indulgences were slowly being revealed for all to see as her clothes became ever more unforgivingly tight. She knew she was undoing years of self restraint with every bite and losing the body she had worked so hard for under an ever thickening layer of soft fat. But in the darkness she gave in to her desire to eat. She craved the pleasure of fullness and the comforting numbness of the food coma that would follow.

She took half a leftover rotisserie chicken from the refrigerator. Her teeth tore savagely at the plump, juicy flesh of the chicken, smearing grease and meat juices all over her lips, cheeks and fingers. It did not satisfy her, only left her mouth watering for more.

Next she ripped open a bag of chocolate covered pretzels and began dipping them into a jar of peanut butter before cramming them into her mouth. She was barely aware of the soft moans of pleasure that she was making as she devoured their salty sweet goodness. As she ate her belly slowly crept out from under her t-shirt until it bulged out so much that it gently knocked against the cool surface of the kitchen counter.

She heard her mom's footsteps creaking at the top of the stairs. "Amy? Is that you?"

She froze, her cheeks bulging with food. She swallowed and with effort managed to choke out the words: "Yeah, mom. Just getting a glass of water."

"OK, honey," her mom called. "Try to get some sleep."

Lying in bed that night she rubbed her swollen belly but she almost wanted to feel the pain of her fullness. It was her punishment for being such a weak, out of control piggy.

The next day she resolved to call Cassie if only so she could stop torturing herself. When Cassie picked up after the first ring her heart gave an unpleasant lurch. She realised that she had been so expecting Cassie to just ignore her call that she hadn't even thought of anything to say.
"One ring. Too keen?" Cassie said.
Amy's heart settled into a slow thud. "A little. Next time try ignoring my calls for a week and then send me a really vague and non committal text. That really drives the girls wild."
"Wait... I need to write this down."

Amy was suddenly aware that she was grinning like an idiot.

"I'm sorry I didn't call you." Cassie said.
"It's fine, I get it. You were probably off saving the Galaxy or something. I can accept that there are some things marginally more important than me."
"Actually, I was hunting for monsters in a medieval fantasy world. I don't think phones had been invented yet."
"No carrier pigeons?"
"You can't make fun of me for being a nerd and then wonder why I have no social skills and feel too nervous to call you."
"OK, well this is the part where you ask me on a second date."
"Why don't you come over to my apartment and we can play video games."
"You're kidding, right?"
"No, I'm serious. I promise you'll like it. If not you can force me to watch The Devil Wears Prada until my eyes bleed."

There were always girls in London but Amy had never been in a relationship. She preferred to keep people at arm's length and found an excuse to retreat when things threatened to become serious. Chloe had once not-so-jokingly said that even Amy's one attempt at owning a pet, a goldfish she called Karl Lagerfeld, had died of emotional neglect. Perhaps there was something in the impermanence of what she could have with Cassie that made it appealing. Her mother's treatment was progressing well and she expected to be able to return to London within the next 2 months. In that time any relationship with Cassie could only go so far, they could only get so close and learn so much about one another. Everything was finite and that felt oddly reassuring.