chapter 20

Amy stood in the doorway of Cassie's kitchen watching her take a sip from a glass of wine as she cooked dinner. She loved catching her unawares like this. It was so rare to see her entirely unselfconscious and at ease, singing along - somewhat tunelessly - to that Smiths song that she liked so much while she cooked.

"Shyness is nice and shyness can stop you from doing all the things in life you'd like to," Morrissey crooned as Cassie sang along.

Amy shifted her weight, causing the floorboard beneath her to creak and the moment was lost.

"Oh jeez, Amy! You scared me," Cassie cried, her hand clutching at her heart for emphasis.

"Sorry. I was getting lonely."

"Well, you know I love it when you keep me company in the kitchen. Plus your vegetable peeling skills are second to none." Cassie said, pouring her a glass of wine.

Amy looked into the pot on the stove and breathed in the scent of the creamy risotto within. "Isn't it boring spending all that time just stirring it?"

"Patience is the secret ingredient of any good risotto," Cassie said.

"I always thought it was a very overrated virtue."

"Which is probably why I'm cooking dinner and not you," she abandoned her constant stirring for a moment. Her fingers crept under Amy's shirt and tickled her love handles before pulling her in close for a kiss. "You'll be pleased to know that the other not-so-secret ingredient of any good risotto is loads of Parmesan. Instant salty, creamy gratification at its finest."

Amy bit her lower lip with a mix of hunger and trepidation. It was all she could do to stop herself licking her lips.

Going back to London and what she had to stop herself from thinking of abstractly as her "old life" was only a couple of weeks away now and as she had booked her flights it had finally hit her what a fast approaching reality it was. She knew that she about to be thrust back into the highly competitive world of the body conscious and image obsessed. It was a world she had flattered herself into believing that she belonged in, convinced herself it welcomed her as a friend but now seemed almost as distant and unknown as it did ten years ago.

She knew that she had to get control of her body and appetite again but still Cassie was relentless in plying her with the most calorie dense foods imaginable and months of barely restrained eating had left her powerless to resist and always hungry for more.

A few hours later and Amy was STUFFED. She lay with Cassie nestled into the nook of her arm, her head resting against her plush, well cushioned shoulder. Cassie uttered a little contented sigh as she rubbed soothing circles around the swell of Amy's full belly.

"Daniel is visiting in a couple of days and I was wondering if you wanted to come over for dinner one night. I'm sure he'd be pleased to see you."

She felt Cassie's body tense a little in her arms.

"I thought one of the perks of all this was that we could cut out all the usual relationship bullshit like meeting the family and just skip to the fun stuff," She met her eyes as her fingers began their slow tease up Amy's thigh.

"Well yeah, but you already know Daniel and, let's face it, there's not a single person in this town that my mom won't talk the ear off."

'Look, Amy, I'm not your girlfriend." Cassie said flatly as she withdrew from her and sat up.

"I know but -"

"When we have sex it's good and when we hang out it's fun but you don't really know me and I don't really know you. Maybe it's easier that way."

"I thought I knew you."

She waited a moment for Cassie to say something but she only stared fixedly ahead so she got up and began to pull on her jeans. Fuck. They were so tight. She had wanted the dignity of just storming out but now she was going to have to have to sit on the end of the bed to squeeze herself into them.

She felt the light insinuation of Cassie's hand against her arm. "I'm sorry, I was being an idiot. Please don't go."

She wanted to resist her but already she could feel something tugging inside her that would not let her leave.

"Just an idiot?" She sat with her back to Cassie, not letting her see the faint smile playing on her lips. She would at least have the satisfaction of torturing her a little more.

"An emotionally stunted moron?"

"Better."

&qu ot;It's just that... you're leaving. I know it and you know it and sitting with your mom and your brother having dinner as if we have a future together is a dagger in the heart that I could do without."

Amy turned to her, her expression softening as it always did when Cassie offered a shy confession. "It was a bad idea. Just forget I said anything."

Still she lay awake in bed that night with Cassie's cold words endlessly echoing in her mind. The all too familiar emptiness inside her opening up like the gaping maw of some monstrous beast, threatening to suck everything into its cavernous void.

When she could bear it no longer, she slipped out of bed and made her way to the kitchen, only casting one backwards glance to make sure Cassie was still sound asleep. Cassie's cupboards and refrigerator were well stocked as ever, bursting with all the fatty and sugary food that she so craved. A pan of brownies in the refrigerator sang out to her and soon she was shovelling one into her mouth, they were so meltingly soft and gooey that she barely had to chew.

Her belly now full of three large slices of the rich chocolate brownie, Amy turned to return to bed. Her stomach gave an unpleasant lurch when she saw Cassie watching her from the doorway.

How long had she been standing there? The whole time? Had she really just watched her stuffing herself senseless like a fat hog?

"You missed a bit," Cassie said. She closed the space between them and reached out her index finger to wipe away a smear of chocolate from the corner of Amy's lips.

Amy could feel herself blushing hot with shame and she knew that her cheeks must be pink. Pink as the pig that she was.

"I find a girl with a big appetite so sexy and I can't deny how good those extra pounds look on you," she said. "There's no need to suck in that cute little belly you've got going on or pull down your shirt to hide those adorable love handles. Don't deny yourself more of that cake. In fact, don't deny yourself anything when you're with me."

Of course Cassie loved how soft she was getting and wanted to see her even fatter. All the clues had been so glaring if only she hadn't chosen not to see them.

Cassie's words that had so stung her but a few hours ago were now the magic words that set her inhibitions free. If they had no future together then did it really matter if she made a fool of herself? Did anything matter?

She had no idea what made her play along but she removed the vest top that was stretched so tightly over her stomach that it was almost translucent and was leaving precious little of her ballooning body to the imagination anyway. As she let it drop to the floor she took Cassie gently by the wrists and guided her hands to the swell of her breasts, her nipples tightening at her touch.

"Here's all those rich meals that you cook for me. All that cream, all that butter."

These were not her words she told herself but still the sprang unbidden from her lips.

She led her hands down to her belly and stopped sucking it in, allowing it to pour out, soft, doughy and expansive.

"Here's all those sweet and creamy desserts. All those extra big slices of cake. All those just-one-more-bites."

She let Cassie's hands travel down to the wide flare of her hips.

"Here's all those tempting treats that you know I can't resist and always just happen to have conveniently lying around."

Cassie pushed her against the counter. Her fingertips dragged across the waistband of Amy's underwear, lightly tickling the tender underside of her belly. But Amy shook her head before her hands could plunge any lower and pushed her right back, using the heft of her belly to force her against the refrigerator door. After all, she had a lot of extra weight to throw around these days and she was going to use it. She could barely conceal a satisfied smile as Cassie's breath caught in her throat and her eyes widened in a look of delighted surprise.