chapter 5

For two months Rio and I exercised together every morning and I ran on my own in the afternoon while he had soccer practice. I wasn't seeing any results. It was terrible and I couldn't believe how much bigger I was still getting. People actually noticed that I was getting larger. I laughed it off, but it really hurt to hear from everyone that I was getting unattractively fat.

Per Rio's suggestion I also spent four days out of the week weight training. It firmed my body up a little, but I looked even wider. I felt stronger but I wasn't any thinner. The actual running wasn't as bad, but as much running I did I couldn't keep weight off and I was eating more calories than I could burn. My arms had grown two and a half inches. I liked that, but with the tummy I was sporting it really wasn't what was drawing people's attention. All the running I did resulted in something unintended. It made my thighs larger and thicker. My butt was firm and large.

My cute underwear was soon going to be unusable. Most of my pants had gotten uncomfortably tight. I had already torn the inseam of my favorite pair of jeans. When I sat my thighs spread a ridiculous amount, a little too much for those particular pants. I was in Spanish class, my third period, and had to go the rest of the day trying to keep the tear unnoticed. It only got larger as the day went on. Rio was the only one who mentioned something about it.

I had been too afraid to weigh myself. I knew the number was going up so why bother? The damage was being done. I just ate and ate, not really wanting to, but I was always starving. I constantly felt a pang of hunger in my gut and had to find something to snack on. Rio said something about proper calories and bought me a huge bag of trail mix for my locker at school. I'd eat huge handfuls during the passing periods on my way to and from class.

It was after Rio's soccer practice and my afternoon run when I finally broke down to him about everything. We sat in my jeep, one of the last cars in the parking lot. "Rio, nothing's...nothing's working," I said, my voice shaking. "Do you think I have a gland problem or something? It has to be something, doesn't it? It has to be something." His face was serious and reddening heavily in the cheeks. I was embarrassing myself. I was Rio's fat friend who was crying about not working out hard enough. I probably seemed so pitiful.

"I don't know," he said. "Maybe it's just how your body is supposed to be, you know? You don't look bad."

"I'm supposed to just accept that?" I asked angrily. He was pissing me off with all this accept your body structure bullshit. How would I find someone to love me if I looked this way? How would I ever be happy if I repulsed every guy I was attracted to? He was only saying all these things because I was his friend, but if it were any other person he'd probably talk shit about them too. He probably thought I was grossly overweight. He probably was counting the days until graduation so he wouldn't have to deal with me. I was being emotional and stupid but I couldn't help it. I was frustrated. I was frustrated and angry and worn-out and hungry and all around tired of all the exercising I was doing with no results.

"Aaron, please. You may have a bit of a, uh, belly, but you don't struggle with the running anymore. You are stronger than ever. You're in shape. What's the big deal, seriously? So what you're so...beefy."

"The point of this was to slim down," I said harshly. "What the *** do you think I've been working so hard for? Rio, you are the worst trainer in the world. I can't imagine how you've gotten me to gain weight like this." We sat silently for a moment. This was partially making me feel better, but I realized he didn't deserve all of this bitching.

"I don't know what to say. I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry."

"Rio, I know you really care." I felt so bad about everything. I felt bad I wasn't losing weight and I was upset I had treated him so unkindly. He didn't have to help me. "I don't know why I was being such an ***. I...maybe it is just my genetics, but it sucks." His kissable lips quivered for a moment. He looked away from me. "What?" I asked.

"Maybe you should try working out alone for a bit," he said. "I've got to go." He opened the door to my jeep, grabbed his bags, and ran back towards the school.