Chapter 3 - deciding to fatten up

But the Donut Lady and I hadn't really talked any more about the donuts until yesterday. I got there a little later than usual, and my favorites (those chocolate-topped cream-filled temptations) were all gone. I felt pretty let down about that. I just got one chocolate cake donut and a coffee. I put the bag and coffee cup on the counter, reaching into my ever-tighter pants pocket for the money.

Me: I'm just getting one today.

Donut Lady: (Looking astonished and glancing in the bag) What? You're not quitting on me, are you? Haven't lost your taste for donuts, have you? (smiles, and I'm quite certain her gaze shifts from my face to my bulging waistline. Maybe, she's wondering if I'm cutting back since these donuts are having such an obvious plumpening effect on me.)

Me: Oh no. You were just out of the ones I really like, so I'll just have one.

Donut Lady: Oh, yeah, I had a few of those cream-filleds myself this morning. Sorry, but I did put them to good use. (patting her belly, smiling with a mock guilty look, then pausing) Tell you what, I'll make it up to you somehow. How about a free big-size candybar, your choice? I know you like these dark chocolate ones (winking slyly at me).

She comes around the counter, leans over, and once again, I can see that she has the same problem I am rapidly acquiring -- too much body for her clothing. She is wearing a shirt which reveals her midriff, and her tummy is bulging delightfully out of the top of her jeans. Her rounded belly sticks out in front of her, and the rear of her jeans looks like it might split if she leans over just a little bit more. And her love handles, whew, they look just so lovable. Even when she straightens back up, I see that her belly still sticks out considerably. She hands me the candy bar, one of those huge half-pound babes, thick and hard and dark and sweet beneath golden wrapping and brown paper.

Me: Wow. Thanks. (feeling a little embarrassed, not knowing what to do or say).

Donut Lady: Come in tomorrow, and I'll make sure we have plenty of your favorites.

So today (yes, just after the "Fat-Bottomed Girls" song plays on the car radio), I pull into the food mart parking lot, drawn by the siren song of sweet Krispy Kremes. I enter, and before I can walk over to the Krispy Kreme display, the donut lady motions me over to the counter. "A little gift to make up for yesterday," she says, handing me a Krispy Kreme box with six cream-filled chocolate-topped goodies inside. They stare at me through the little plastic window, seemingly chanting, "Eat, eat, eat!"

I try to beg off this free offering, but she insists: "You're my favorite customer. This is just to show our appreciation. Believe me, you have bought plenty of donuts here, and I just wanted to give you some to make up for yesterday. A lot of times, all the donuts don't sell, and I'll just write these up as day-olds."

"Well, that's really sweet," I mumble, kind of embarrassed by this whole thing and looking down.

"Yeah, I'm usually not this nice to anybody. I don't know what's gotten into me lately." She smiles. "I guess it's all these damn donuts." Again, she pats her tummy. I notice now that she is wearing a pair of cut-off bib overalls, and that they may have fit well at some point, but now, she can not button the buttons up the sides. Her belly presses hard against the bib of her overalls. Under the overalls, she has on a tight green tubetop, and her love handles are poking out of the sides of the overalls, hanging out through the unbuttoned gaps. I think about how many donuts she has stuffed into this outfit.

And if she might want just one more.

I offer her one of the cream-filleds which she starts eating it with a big smile. After waving goodbye, I leave the store. I eat one of the cream-filleds before I leave the parking lot, and I notice the donut lady looking out the window and nodding at me approvingly as she takes another bite from her treat.

Right now, I am sitting here at the keyboard, indulging myself on my third of five Krispy Kremes. And I'm wondering what I have gotten myself into now. Or maybe, more properly, what's all's getting into me, into my little belly, into my little mind. I seem destined to chubbiness. What's going to happen next? Maybe aliens will abduct me and take me to some chocolate-wonderland world and fatten me up as an experiment in weight gain. Or maybe someone will walk in and give me a free coupon to an all-you-can-eat buffet. Or maybe a co-worker will stick her head in and say, "I made some cookies last night. They're in the kitchen if you want some." It seems as if the whole world has become my co-conspirator in a plot to fatten me up. Every word, every message, every signal, every motion on this earth right now seems to be all geared toward my eating and plumpening. I know I am obsessing about this, but I am finding it more and more difficult to stop. To stop obsessing and to stop eating.

I would say that my future is most definitely fat. Will I indulge a little and bulge a little? Or am I going to keep stuffing myself until I am a certified fatty, up in the obese range of the charts, even zooming off the charts. I am far from fat now, but with the donut lady's and others' encouragement, I could get there rather quickly. Does that scare me, worry me? A little. But it also fascinates me and makes me feel like getting fatter is a pretty good idea, that it's an idea whose time has come. Am I really going to grow a bigger and better belly? I feel as if I get closer with each scrumptious bite of donut and each encouraging word from the donut lady and others. And all those tempting messages from all over the place. All that delicious food in the advertisements and in the grocery aisles and at the carryouts, screaming, "Eat, eat, eat! Get plump, plump, plump!"

And I feel as if I have a new appetite for life, and especially for food and for filling my gut until it makes a nice round little potbelly. I think something within me has awakened, something which I have been denying. Is this feeling perverse? I don't know. Is it dangerous? I don't know. I feel like I would like to gain some weight, that I would like to eat and eat and eat until I have grown pleasantly rotund.

I don't know if that's good or bad, but I'm willing to see where it leads -- and it may lead to me having to buy larger size pants and larger shirts, unless I want to flaunt in public just how chubby I've gotten and just squeeze myself into too-tight clothes. I used to worry about what others think about my appearance, but I don't anymore. In fact, some people have told me I look better since I gained a little weight, that I might even look better with some more. Is this good? Or dangerous? I wonder.

With all this obsession, I have just been thinking lately about eating constantly, gobbling up anything and everything that I can lay my hands on, just for the feeling of fullness and the fattening effect it will have on me. Do I unleash these feelings? Do I want to get real, real big and fat or just build a nice smooth round gut. Maybe get a roll of fat around the edges, to the sides, grow some bigger grabbable love handles for Annie to hang onto. Maybe allow myself to get a bit flabby elsewhere, thicken my thighs a little? I wonder if there are foods that will send most of the weight to my belly, or will I just get kind of fat all over? Does beer just go to the belly? I've heard that. Mmm, the sight of a woman with a cute little beer belly is just heavenly to me. I know that a lot of Annie's belly is the result of some weekend beers.

I love chocolate. I am a certified licensed chocoholic. Of course, I'm eating some right this minute. I wonder where the chocolate and the cream filling are going. Where on me will this Krispy Kreme land? Does it go to belly, chest, thighs, love handles, rear? Should I set a goal? What kind of goal should I set for myself? How much should I gain? How big should I get? I wonder all these things. And I wonder if I unleash this raging appetite if I would be able to stop when I reach that goal. I worry about that a little. But then, I think about eating some more. All this gluttony fascinates me and excites me and scares me, all at the same time.

I am far from fat now, but I get a little closer with each scrumptious Krispy Kreme bite. Right now, I am probably not even regarded as plump by some people. But I can't help but notice my chubbing belly. As it grows, it is becoming harder and harder to ignore. It is definitely pooching outward, and my navel is growing deeper, surrounded by a little ring of soft fat. I have heard that soft ring of fat called a "donut ring" or a "bagel ring" maybe depending on the size of it. Mine is shaped just like a donut all puffy, doughy and soft. And my deepening navel recedes and forms the donut hole to complete the effect. I didn't used to have this donut sitting here on my midsection, making my gut look fat. I used to be a skinny little thing with a flat stomach covered with hard muscles. All that old me is now covered with a coating of fat. And there's a "belly donut" hanging right out in front of my body. I guess it's true what they say: You are what you eat. And my tummy is taking on the shape of a donut.

And all this talk of donuts is making me hungry again. There are two donuts in the box still calling for me to consume them: "Eat, eat, you're much too thin!" I have to go now. They won't leave me alone. I'm a slave to their commands and to the not-so-subtle encouragement of that deliciously plump donut lady. A small part of me wants to stop, but a bigger part of me wants to keep going and keep growing. And that bigger part of me is getting bigger and bigger all the time. And I'm worried and fascinated and aroused and scared by all these feelings.

But most of all right now, I just feel hungry.