chapter two

"Stop!" I scream, "Help!" I hit him in the face and shoulder hard with my purse.

"Ouch, I say ouch! Young lady, you really have no manners at all...."

As soon as we'll through the fence, he lets go, and starts kneading his sore shoulder, glaring at me.

Around me, everything has turned to...well, Technicolor for lack of a better word. Gray, industrial, busy London has faded away, and been replaced by a beautiful countryside, the grass greener than I ever imagined it could be, the sky bluer than any painting. It's bright and colorful. Otherworldly.

"Where am I?" I ask, frantic.

"In a better place", he says. "You know I'm sending you the doctor bill for my shoulder."

"Oh you're fine", I say. He sticks his tongue out at me, and I find myself sticking my own out back.

"And who is this?" An old man pops up in front of me. I scream.

"You people really have to stop doing that", I insist.

"This is the one I found today. And I'm already sorry I did. Can I switch back please now?"

"No, Harey. What are you thinking?!" the old man in the suit booms.

I jump. I'm clearly not what he wanted.

"She looks like the other one...she's blonde..." Harey defends himself.

"The other one was a child, Harey!! A child. Can you not tell the difference? This is a woman, not even close to being a child anymore, she's a grown..." He looks me over, "Very mature woman."

"Hey, you make it sound like I'm 80!" I protest.

"Well aren't you?" the old man gruffs.

"I've never been so insulted!" I shout.

"Mayor, you're breaking our first rule", Harey points out. "You're being impolite. Rudeness is for..." he looks me over again. "Them."

The mayor seems duly chastised. "I apologize. You were not the sort of human he was supposed to bring here, but...now you're here, I suppose we're stuck with you, I mean, we welcome you."

"All I really want to do is get away from you freaks, so if I'm not what you're looking for, please return me!" I shout.

The mayor looks at Harey. "She really is rude."

"I told you."

I scream out loud. "I'm not rude when I'm not around freaks who drag me into magic worlds!"

"So you believe in magic?" the mayor squints his eyes.

"I suppose so."

He claps Harey on the back. "Not so poorly done after all, she's old..." I glare at him. "But she does still believe in magic. Not so bad perhaps."

"She's completely friendless I've never seen such a pathetic creature", Harey offers.

"Hey!" I protest.

"It's true, she spends all her time alone, what? Are you going to argue with me?" I can't.

"How do you know this?" I ask.

"The same way I know what male to introduce you to, I looked in your window at night", he confesses, bold as brass.

"You what?! That's illegal, you peeping tom..."

"Harey, my name is Harey, and how else was I supposed to help you, Know -it -all?"

"I never asked for your help!" I yell. "And how do I know I would like this..."male" you're introducing me to?"

"Because I was watching in your window. You had this stuff on your computer...these pictures of these guys who were all, you really want me to talk about this?" he asks.

"No!" I shout.

"Can I change back, please?" Harey asks again. "Her voice, her human voice is killing me."

"Okay, you've done your duty", the mayor answers.

Okay, now I'm scared. I stare at Harey. And scream as he transforms and shrinks and changes...and becomes a rabbit. He immediately grabs his carrot, making some kind of noise, like a rabbit-insult, and runs away.

"He's quite happy to be back in his normal form", the mayor says. "Miss? Miss?"

I heard my head hit the ground. That was it.

I wake up, and sit up with a jolt, grabbing my head. "Ow!"

"Who told you to sit up like that?" An old woman is standing over me, and I have a wet cloth on my forehead.

"Where am I?"

"My shoe, dear." With that, an entire passel of screaming kids run through the room.

"I told all of you to leave this nice lady alone in the quiet!" she yells.

"The little old lady who lived in a shoe?" I ask. "Oh shit, oh God, I wonder where I really am. The hospital? I bet that Harey guy clocked me over the head and stole my purse."

"You're very strange, dear. And I could do without the "old" lady bit", she corrects.

"Sure", I say.

"Broth?" she asks, bringing me a cup.

"Maybe I shouldn't eat anything. Maybe this is like Hades, you know where Persephone ate four pomegranate seeds, and she had to stay..."

She broke into a grin. "You know stories."

"I do. I'm a writer, I love stories."

"Stories are the most wonderful things in the world", she says. "Mine is a tad boring, with all these kids, but no one's story is perfect. Wait a second...did you say you were a writer?"

"Yessss..."

"You could write new stories! That would be wonderful!" she exclaims.

"Maybe...really, I just want to go home, m'am."

"I'm sorry to rush you dear, that was rude, and above all, we're not rude. Why do you want to go back, dear? Did you have a happy life? Harey is under strict orders not to bring anyone here unless they desperately need it...who is missing you? Friends? Family? Husband?"

"Family is in the U.S. None of the rest", I say.

"Lots of brothers and sisters?" she asks.

"Only child."

"Ah, lonely, am I right?" she asks.

"I suppose so, yes.

"Well you have three new friends here already!"

"Um, I'm pretty sure Harey hates me, and the mayor didn't seem too keen..."

"Harey doesn't hate you, believe me he knew everything about you before he brought you here, if he didn't like you, you wouldn't be here", she says. "And the mayor loves everyone."

"But I have a life, and studies back in London...I can't stay here", I say.

"Well everyone will be sorry to hear that, you have to do what you want. Life is all about making your dreams come true", she says.

"I think you're right", I say, and try to sit up.

"No, no dear, you stay where you are today. Tomorrow, we'll see about getting you home if you'd like to leave. Or maybe getting you a cottage of your own, if you'd like to stay..."she tempts. "You could write all you like. Harey brought your computer."

"Oh did he?" I roll my eyes. "Anything else in my apartment he helped himself to?"

"Your DVDs probably", she says, and I burst out laughing, of all the things I expected her to say. "And the carrots in your frig."