chapter 3

An unsurprising quality of her was that she could cook really good, not unexpected from such a gastronome. I, on the other hand, was a very clumsy cook, when really necessary I could put together something simple, by meticulously following instructions as if I did a chemistry experiment. She, on the other hand, had real talent, could improvise well, and always found the best combination of tastes. One day she tried one of my favorite recipes my mother used to make, and she managed to build a masterpiece out of it, keeping close enough to the original to make it recognizable and putting enough of her own style into it to spice it up with some variety. I was amazed how good it was. She seems to like it as well, as she ate a really large portion. She stood up to put the remainder away, then she changed her mind, sat down again, and took another portion.

"I thought I was full, but this is so good, I can't resist it! If your mother cooks so good, how didn't you end up fat?" said she with a mouth half full, and continued before allowing me time to answer, "I don't know what's wrong with me. You might think I'm weird, but... I wish I could just eat all day long."

"Isn't that what you are already doing all the time?"

"Almost, but not quite. I always eat when I crave something and I never turn down food when I'm hungry, and you know how hungry I always get. I got used to this, whenever I was craving something I could eat it without gaining any significant weight so I never had to count calories ... but I always stop when I'm no longer hungry, not when I couldn't eat any more."
She blushed a little, then she leant over me, her belly touching my laps, and whispered conspirationally into my ears: "I don't know what's happening with me. Lately I started thinking about how it would feel to eat until I couldn't continue."

"So, despite eating so much, you never was fully satiated?"

Exposing her secret thoughts, she lent back again to look into my eyes.

"Almost satiated often, sometimes even overeating until it was almost painful, but I never experienced how it feels to literally not being able to take another bite. I was always a little chubby, and as I lately stated gaining weight I was always feeling guilty enough after eating so much, so I didn't dare turning it up even more. There was a tingling sensation, a small temptation if I can say so, to push myself over the limit, but I always chickened out. And now that I'm officially 212 pounds... sorry I didn't tell you, it was so strange to see that 200 pounds start to get so far behind me... I had to realize that just in the last three months I gained ten pounds. That's even faster than when I was on medication. "

"I guess I'm also a little guilty because of not being repulsed by your figure."

"Or maybe my metabolism changed a little. Or maybe both. Or we are just going out eating together more often than I did when I was single. I don't know. And I'm a little bit uncertain. If I made a decision to lose weight I think I could do it no matter how difficult it was, you know I can have a strong will, I don't have to prove it... it's just I'm delaying that decision again and again. And I could continue doing so, just not for years. I don't want to end up obese, like 250 pounds, no way! That would be double of what many people weigh. And... I was always fit despite being chubby, only just lately... I already started feeling that my stamina is not what it used to be... It's just... I don't know..."

I was fighting different thoughts all this time, but then one of them got to the top. I grasped both her hands and looked deeper into her eyes. "We both know that sooner or later you'll have to change your eating habits. But we also know that now you feel good in your skin and you have neither the will nor the motivation to start dieting drastically. This means that it's almost sure you will gain another ten pounds. And if we don't change anything, I guess it will take another three months. So, if no matter what, you'll gain ten pounds, how will you want to do it? Like you did the last ten, never feeling satiated, always trying to hold back a little, always being a little nervous? Or by fully letting yourself go and enjoying that time?"

"Maybe you are right, I like eating but am still holding back a little. Not holding back enough to stop the gain, but holding back enough to spoil the enjoyment."

"Yes, the problem is that as you do it now, you still gain weight while not fully enjoying your meals. You should either commit yourself to stopping the gain, or you should enjoy eating and discovering the feeling of getting fully satiated. What's the point in the middle between the two?"

"Hmm... The time will come when I'll have to commit myself to dieting, I'm sure. I can't allow myself this rate forever. But as I said, I still don't feel motivated enough, and I just can't help my appetite."

"I know, and I'm also to blame. But what now, should I be lying to you, telling you that I don't like how fat you are getting, and should I constantly urge you to diet? Of course you will probably not lose any weight, but at least you would stay at your current size which I enjoy very much... But I don't want to manipulate you into it. I can't help but openly agree with you and support you."

"Yeah, and I probably would have caught on if you tried manipulating me like that. So it's good you didn't. I don't want any trust issues to get between us. But still, we have to do something, otherwise it will always be 'just another ten and then I stop', until we regret not having done anything sooner".

"No, the biggest problem is not 'just another ten'. It's how those ten come. Do they come as you fully enjoy every last bit of it? Or do they creep on you while you halfheartedly try to fight them off?"

She seemed to be undecided about how to react, so I continued, "I have a proposition. We know that you'll almost certainly gain another ten pounds, and after that we will have to see what to do to stop it from happening again. So, why not gain those last ten pounds while fully enjoying yourself? Instead of gaining it in three months, do it in two months, or one. Then at least you will be able to fully enjoy it."

"One month it is then! No limits! If I'll start dieting afterwards, at least I fully enjoyed myself one last time!"

"Come on, don't talk about this dieting as something so drastic! I know you'll not even want to get thin, only to stop this rapid gain. You might even hit a plateau soon, you know, it seems there is a weight your body 'wants to be at', and it's incredibly hard to lose weight if you are below it, and hard to gain if you are above it. If that's true, maybe that is why you could eat so much back then and never get much above 170 pounds or so. It was offset by your medication at first, and maybe our relationship afterwards. Even if this theory is not true and you'll have to try to hold yourself back just a little more, knowing your amazing metabolism, I guess you will still eat much more than the average while maintaining your figure."

"Well, if you put it that way, it doesn't seem so scary after all. But enough talk about dieting, let's start our experiment!"