Chapter 18 - Inner senses

During the following days, Ryan tried to behave like he had done while Luke was on holiday. Allthough he could get used to the recent changes of eating without abandon, he had to admit that a few things felt different.
He had already told Luke that he sometimes liked to eat in private. Nothing less soothing than completely letting go and eating whatever he liked without the feeling of being noticed or checked. He could still have his share while Luke was away during the mornings and he craved stuffing himself with heaps of breakfast before laying on the sunbed to digest untill lunchtime.
Ryan had to admit to himself that he did make some changes though. He had added an extra lunch of all sorts of snacks at home before going toe the bakery to eat his 'real' lunch meal. After entering the days went on like they had done. He followed his routine of stuffing himself all day around work and graciously accepting all the 'offers' Marge brought him. After work he devoured everything he was given by Luke, plus the boxes and the ordered meals.
The days were already shortening, but these late summer nights were still quite warm, leaving Luke and Ryan sitting on the roof terrace. They had such a great time, talking for hours, while Ryan absentmindedly added more beers and even a few burgers that Luke served form their BBQ to his already tremendous diet.
After a few days Ryan came to realise that 2 of the things that had changed in comparison to his lonely stuffing days, was that 1; he was eating even more now! and two; He lustered for the food like he hadn't done before. It slightly frightened him that his body seemed to demand more and that he actually felt a bit hungry sometimes. He decided to put it off as being just a reaction to his exitement and he told himself not to worry because this experiment would only last a week or so.

It was around the 12th day of this new regime that Ryan had to acknowledged he was fooling himself. Not only had he eaten more than ever before; the infrequent rages of emptying the bakery cream machine and adding late night burgers sometimes were no exceptions anymore but new habits on a daily basis. He thrilled over the thought what he was doing to himself and wondered if he could hold back as easily as he had always proclaimed.
While rising out of these thoughts (and partly to avoid taking responsibilities) he rubbed his belly. It had grown, it had grown recently, it had grown quite some. No he didn't have to admit anything. What if his belly was large? He was a large guy after all. So what if he added to that already bulky frame, he was way sturdier and heavier built than average guys. He didn't blame or judge himself for anything. At that moment he gradually came to realise that it was more important what he himself thought of all this.
What mattered was just here and now, his feelings, his state of being, his thoughts, not his deeds in the past. He was grateful for the fact that what others thought or said was finally getting less and less important to him.

While he continued to rub he was getting more aware of his belly. He looked at it. It looked bigger than before, even while lying on the sunbed, it felt like a perfect smooth globe, soft due to the thick layer he had recently added. Could it be that he literally had felt it expand during the last days? He pushed it out as far as he could and enjoyed the sense of growth. What if this would be its permanent shape? Actually past days this state had almost been permanent, due to the nearly constant stuffing it was continously bloated. He liked the feeling though, as he started to like the belly itself more as well. It was nicely tanned and had a dent that led to a deepened belly button. This was all his. He put his thumb in it and felt strangely delighted that it almost disappaered completely. It vagely felt like some kind of achievement, while it had just been a side effect of his love for food earlier. It was just a side effect right? why would someone purposly? well...
He stood up to make his way to the bakery, Marge would be waiting with lunch by this time. He took his belly with both hands and made it jiggle slightly. Hmm, A good lunch would do me well he thought, as if he hadn't already eaten enough.
He sat across from Marge and ate while she kept talking about her morning. After the second plate of thick caserolle, he signed to her that he felt satisfied. No wonder after eating three heaps of pancakes for breakfast and a box of pastries after.
While in the shop Ryan had lost of time to eat his fair share of pastries that afternoon. In the display case the lines and blocks of pastries were stricly kept straight by him snacking after a customer had left the shop. Good thing it wasn't a busy day so he wasn't to occupied with helping. Marge had him tasting quite some as well, while talking over tea for more than an hour. She liked the boy so much; he was so kind always listeing to her stories and they were truly helping eachother with lots of things. (like cleaning out heaps of test pastries among other things) It caught Ryan by surpise, when Marge made a comment on his figure.

M: I might be mistaken Ryan, but you look healthier recently.
R: uhhm, yeah... I think I have put on a few right?
M: "Don't worry; it suits you dear. You might still be a growing boy" she joked.
R: Well, like always I can be honest with you Marge; I am a growing boy I guess. he laughed.
M: Tell me if you don't want to talk about it, but I hope you don't feel as insecure about it anymore?
R: O, no, sure go ahead. Fortunetely I'm way less selfconsious about it. You can say whatever you want, if you at least tell me your true thoughts without hesitation.
M: You know me Ryan.
R: And you know me Marge. You also know I love to eat. I did get bigger indeed, but I am totally ok with it by now.
M: I truly think you carry the weight well Ryan.
R: Honestly Marge; Don't you think It's getting a bit out of hand?
M: No I don't Ryan, what is getting out of hand? You look great, and the weight certainly suits you as long as you feel ok with it. Gaining a few pounds doesn't make you a whole other person.
R: Well, I'm a bit worried about something else than my weight Marge, my appetite seems to grow these days, like a lot. That's why I put on weight recently.
M: What's wrong with a good appetite? I won't hurt anybody right?
R: It's not that I'm afraid of the consquences, But I'm worried that I will keep eating more and more each day.
M: Ok, I think I almost get it but as long as you don't mind the consequences, what else is making you worried?
R: Uhhm, I don't know how to explain and I don't know what to think about it yet... can you keep this between us?
M: Sure dear, go on...
R: Well this morning I looked at myself and I kinda liked what I saw...
M: Oh Ry, that is just such a good thing to hear. You have all the rights to be content.
R: No I mean that's great but I mean I discovered that I might like it that I have gotten bigger.
M: I still don't see why you should be ashamed Ryan. Don't be so hard on yourself.
R: Even if I wondered what I would look like when I got even heavier? I mean I'm quite the guy already.
M: No Ryan, I think it's completely normal to imagine yourself in different circumstances. People do that all the time seeing themselves skinnier, fatter, smaller, taller.
R: If you put it that way, yes...

Ryan thought there was a substantial difference in what Marge meant compared to him, but decided to let it be.
M: now remember what I told you and enjoy living the way you think is best.
With that she shoved the last piece of chocolate cherry cake his way. Which he off course devoured shortly after.