Diaries of a fat man

Chapter 1 - Entry 1

I have always looked in the mirror and wondered... how do I feel about this image? All of my life, I have been overweight and that comes with many conflicting thoughts. For any messages of "loving your body", I get twice as many people scolding me, saying I need to lose weight. Every time I look in the mirror, though, I'm in a little fantasy world.

My hands travel to different parts of my body. From my belly, to my moobs, to my nipples, to my thighs, to my ass... I explore. And I think "I am so turned on by my body". Not in a narcissistic way, but in a way that I think, "this fat on my body makes me feel good." This is a hard thing to think, as every other part of society tells me differently. While looking in the mirror, I pick up my belly and drop it. I rest it on the sink. I grab my love handles and jiggle my whole belly with them. It makes me hard. And I like it...

I just think about the thought that I wish I was bigger. I wish my moobs were big enough to have a handful. I wish my belly hung down further. And I wish I weighed at least a hundred pounds. This thought, along with some very poignant ssbbw and bhm internet pornography, make me feel very good about the thoughts of being fat. I can jerk off and think about how fat I am and how I wish I could be fatter. How I wish I was a helpless pig who was so much bigger. I masturbate and I nut. But then, the day goes on.

I get dressed and get ready for work and I am thinking differently... "does this shirt make me look fat?" I think to myself. "I don't want other people to think me a slob." My brain reverts back to the societal shame. I go to work and my day goes on.

I come home that night, feeling burnt out, wanting to rub one out. I turn to the "fat forums", I turn to porn, I masturbate to the thought of weight gain and watching someone else or myself become humongous. It's a fantasy that I want so badly to be true. I ejaculate. I put my phone on the charger. I turn over. And I go to bed. And the next day, I start the cycle all over again. It's weird and confusing...but maybe I can make sense of it another time...