My Fetishes (autobiographical)

Chapter 1

I’m in my mid 40s. My wife, who I love dearly, is 450lbs and I wear nappies in bed to feel safe.

Until my thirties I had never dated a fat woman. Due to being bullied by conventionally attractive girls at school, I developed a fear and resentment of pretty girls. They would call me weird and tease me until I reacted and got in trouble.
I knew I was good looking, but as a neurodivergent person (unaware of this at the time) I was not confident at all in my personality. Throughout my late teens and twenties I was deeply insecure. At university I was awkward and gangly and had lost the androgynous pretty boy looks of my early teens. I found myself being bullied at college and in the workplace. Whether I was being humiliated in front of pretty women or by them – it became part of my pathology. There were a bunch of people at my first college who would pick on me. They told a girl with severe learning problems that I fancied her and she started following me and trying to talk to me. They group would stand and laugh. Two girls from this group were particularly cruel. If a woman I found attractive were to even laugh at something someone said to belittle me, it would absolutely crush me. The bullying and humiliation would last throughout my 20s. Due to late development I didn’t start ejaculating until I was 17 – and right from the beginning I could only get off if I fantasised about humiliating a pretty woman in some way. It would always be about lowering her value in the eyes of society. This would include things like severe intelligence loss/retardation, uglification, hygiene, sexual desire/availability and weight gain.

I became more and more like an insel, grouping all attractive women together in my mind as the target of my resentment. I was so afraid of being intimate with a woman – because I had created such a distance in my mind from reality. As someone with a vivid imagination I had created a whole host of fantasies – all involving varying degrees of humiliation, directed either at others or at myself. The most common theme was turning a hot, confident woman into a fat, drooling slob, taking away all her status and dignity, making her laughable and ridiculous. I would also have fantasies of being humiliated by being with the fattest, ugliest girl at school, a girl in my year called Mary. I would play over in my mind being forced into her sitting on my face in front of the whole school with everyone laughing – especially to girls I fancied. In some versions of the fantasy Mary would be complicit, and in others she would be forced into it too. I knew Mary had always had a bit if a crush on me. This fantasy would live in my head for a long time to follow.

Due to my fear of intimacy, I would lose my virginity at the late age of 24. Technically it counted as sex – but no one climaxed. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. I was embarrased by the whole thing. I had no idea what I was doing and I felt so much shame. As a result of this I would not attempt sex for the following two years.

This is when my fetish exploration really upped a gear. The women I looked at online were getting fatter and fatter. I loved this idea of a woman becoming immobile and completely reliant on me. I saw the film ‘feed’ and this reflected my own feelings of sadism.

The nappy fetish had been a thing since I was 11 or 12 years old, I would sneak into my mothers room and take my brothers nappies. I would wear them under my clothes snd pee in them. I had a problem with bed wetting and shame connected with this – so the nappies made me feel safe and secure. As I got older this fetish would combine with my humiliation fixation and I would fantasise about women being in nappies – or wearing them myself. I would imagine everyone seeing me wearing my big puffy nappy. It was the opposite of what every man was told they should be; independent. invulnerable and respected.

It wasn’t until my late twenties that I grew into myself and started gaining confidence, or at least learning how to project it. There became s huge gap between my social self, big and imposing to my inner self, which was vulnerable and scared.

My first adult relationship was with someone 8 years younger than myself. I was 27 and she was 19. I looked you and everyone assumed we were the same age. I liked her because she was quirky like me. She looked as if she were influenced by Japanese fashion and she was incredibly blunt. I remember her telling me that everyone told her she could be a model. All I can remember thinking is that I wanted to make this pretty, petite little girl into the fattest, smelliest person anyone had ever seen.