What the hell am i doing?

chapter 1

What the hell am I doing? I thought to myself. After 12 months of hard work I had finally got some semblance of normalcy to both my life and my waistline and yet here I was eating peanut butter from the jar and washing it down with a pint of double cream. Was I mad? What was happening to me? I didn't want to get fat again nor did I? What had triggered this lapse into gluttony and bingeing?
It all started 2weeks ago after my successful weight loss of 50 lbs through exercise and diet I had fallen into a funk or as my psychologist called it mental exhaustion. She prescribed a change to my routine and asked me to try a therapy of changing my routines randomly to stop me getting into a rut.
Well I tried and it failed. I missed my routines. I was looking for something to do one day when I decided to sort through some old photos and in them I found one of me at my heaviest weight of 250 lbs which on my 5' 3" frame looked substantially fat to say the least.
As I stared at myself in the picture with my 44" waist and triple chin I felt a stirring in my loins as I recalled the food I used to gorge on before the diets came and the weight was lost.
Before I knew it I was in front of the fridge eating last night's left over lasagna with a raging erection. It was back my food lust had returned with vengeance. After the lasagna I moved onto a tub vanilla ice cream and then onto a small tub of cream to wash it all down. My smallish stomach protested and I plopped down onto the kitchen chair.
After a while I came to my senses and felt terrible for succumbing. I told myself it was a minor blip. All I had to do was to get rid of the photo get back to the gym and put this out of my mind.
The next day during a lull at work I was staring out the window at work when my mind drifted back to the photo image and sure enough that stirring in the groin started again and next thing I knew I was at the local café with a slice of chocolate mud cake and full cream cappuccino In front of me was three empty plates and 2 empty mugs. Panicking I checked my watch and sure enough It was over an hour since I was staring out the window. What was happening here? My stomach was fully distended and felt really heavy. How much did I eat? What did I eat? I finished the coffee and cake and lumbered back to the office. As I made my way back I rationalized what had happened as a function of my mental exhaustion and made a mental note to ask my psychologist about it at our next session. Successfully compartmentalizing it in my mind I went back to work .
Which brings me back to now