chapter 1 liz has a secret

Sometimes, what we try to avoid is exactly what we should be pursuing. That’s what Carlie has learned.

And sometimes, the person we try to avoid is exactly who we should be pursuing. That’s what I’ve learned that through my relationship with Carlie.

I never would have chosen her, but fate chose her for me, it seems. Or maybe Carlie chose herself for me.

I met Carlie spring semester years ago. She was a young undergrad co-ed at Ohio University where I was studying for my Ph.D. She had been going out with a guy in the fall, but he had dumped her, and relationship-wise, she was still quite a mess.

My name is Liz, and I used to be teased with this name in grade school. “Liz the Lez!” they would call me. How did they ever know back in those pre-pubescent days? Even I didn’t know, but I had my notions that perhaps I was a bit different from those girls chasing boys in the playground.

By the time I was in my Ph.D program, everyone at OU knew I was a lesbian – including Carlie. I was upfront about it, and she seemed curious about the lifestyle. She insisted she was a bona fide heterosexual, but still, I wondered about her. Not that I was interested in her. Not in the least. Anyway, I had just come off a bad relationship myself, so I was feeling vulnerable to all kinds of influences and ideas. And I was not looking for drama or new heartache.

Carlie was a bright and happy girl. I say “girl” because she was just 19, and compared to me at 28, she seemed of another generation almost. She was attractive in the society-expected beauty standards, but still, she was straight, and, well, I just wasn’t attracted to her. Not at all. She just seemed like a kid to me in so many ways, more like a younger kid sister than a potential partner.

Still, she told me she thought she was bi. I laughed at her. And she persisted, and she said she wanted to go out with me. I said yeah, but I was keeping things platonic. We got along very well, and we had many of the same interests in music, art and philosophy. I could talk with her for hours. Over a few weeks time, we became very comfortable with each other.

There was still something I could not tell her. Not yet, and maybe not ever.