Chapter 1 - a fat loser?

I used to be something else back in high school - a big shot triple-athlete, playing softball, running track and playing basketball. But now, the only big thing about me is my belly.

I have lost so much due to this belly I have grown.

And it's not just my belly. I guess you could say I'm getting bigger all over, but my belly is a big problem this morning. I can't squeeze into my cute pink exercise outfit. Not that I've worn it much lately - not for several months. But I realized this morning standing in front of the mirror that I need to get back in shape.

"Ashley, gawd, you've gotten fat," my roommate Stephanie's voice startles me as she sneaks up behind me. Or maybe she has been there a while watching me try to pack my bulging belly and ***cheeks into these shorts.

I am already self-conscious enough about the fact that I have gained weight without getting grief from Stephanie over it.

I try to laugh, but it sounds hollow, and then I try to make a joke about it. "Well, if you weren't such a great chef, maybe I wouldn't be in this shape."

Stephanie is studying culinary arts. We are sophomores in college now, and we have been roommates since our freshman year.

"You're getting to quite a plumper, Ash," she says, reaching behind me and grabbing quite a handful of love handle and squeezing it lightly.

"Hey, that tickles!" I shudder and move away from her touch. Lately, she has gotten all touchy-feely on me, and I have no idea where that's coming from.

"Just saying, you better slow down that appetite, girl, or you're gonna be huge. " She pauses, then adds, "Really huge."

I feel huge already, and I can't imagine getting any bigger. As I said, I used to be an athlete in high school - tall, strong, muscular and slender. I took advantage of all that Title IX could offer, and I was a scholarship athlete my freshman year of college. And back then, I "was" an athletic training major.

"Was" because I lost my scholarship due to gaining the freshman 15 plus some. I am an elementary education major now. It's easier, and the classes usually meet later in the day than those physical fitness training courses. Those classes all meet before noon. I have gotten kind of lazy this year, so late afternoon classes fit my lifestyle better.

And I had to get out of the physical fitness field. No one wants to be trained by a fatty like me.

I realized that fact the last time I was at the gym and I overheard some beanpole girls talking behind the back of one of the male trainers who had gained just 10 or 15 pound. He had a slight beer belly, just a couple extra inches around the middle. The kind of thing that happens when a hunky guy joins a frat and parties a bit too much. Just 10 or 15 pounds, that's all.

Nothing at all like what I had gained.

"Look at him, how he let himself go," one of those blond sorority girls said to the other as they pumped their stationary bicycles side by side.

"Yeah. Used to be the hottest trainer here. But now, who's he going to train - pigs? Haha!"

They both laughed, then one of them saw me and poked the other. They both stopped laughing, stopping pedaling. Awkward moment.

I saw their glances. I felt the silence of their stares. And then, as I walked away - their giggles behind my back. Yeah, laugh at the fatty, I thought. They couldn't contain themselves any more than I can contain my appetite.

Anyway, that was my last time at the gym, back in February. I changed my major the same day. I think about how many of my dreams I have lost due to getting fat. My scholarship, being on the track and softball teams, my dignity.

And I think about my boyfriend, Jacob. I don't want to lose him, but lately he hasn't seemed as interested. I'm sure he is turned off by how fat I'm getting - with no end in sight. That's why I wanted to go exercise today for the first time in eight months.

These thoughts weigh heavily on my brain. I look at myself in the mirror, trying in vain to tug up my too-tight shorts over my thick soft thighs.

"Hey, earth to Ashley, earth to Ashley," Stephanie breaks through my reverie.

"Huh?"

"I was saying if you want, I'll go shopping with you at the mall later today, and we can get you some new exercise clothes."

"Oh, sure, Steph. Thanks."

"Besides, there's a new cheesecake place at the mall food court, and I hear it's mmmmm scrump-dilly-umptuous." I see her lick her lips. She is quite thin but curvy in all the right places. She can afford to pig out on cheesecake. But me --

"Don't think I should have any cheesecake," I mutter sadly, pouting as I pull the shorts off my legs and toss them on the bed.

I'm in just a wifebeater shirt and panties, and I notice Stephanie watching how my tight shirt rides up on top of my fat gut. She probably feels sorry for me, and offering to go shopping with me is her way of helping the fat girl out.

"Awwww, why not?" Stephanie asks. "I'm not going to sit and eat cheesecake by myself, Ash. I'd look like some gonna-be-fat loser."

"How can you say that in front of me? Don't you know what is wrong with me? I am fat. A fat loser."

I feel new tears readying themselves in the corners of my eyes.

(Continued)