Gaining

It’s such a paradox. It wouldn’t be as fun and exciting if I didn’t feel so out of control with the constant binging. But I’m a bit scared of it. But it’s the fear which makes it more exciting. And the excitement drives me to stuff more in during binges. I have these moments once or twice per day where I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror or rest my arms on my growing belly or feel my body being squeezed by my clothes. And I think “maybe this is getting out of hand. Maybe I’m big enough and should try to ease up a bit” and I feel a bit scared of what I’m doing to my myself. But then the fear once again becomes excitement and I’m back in the kitchen, trying to clear out every shelf in the fridge and cupboards lol.
Can anyone relate?

I definitely can. Gaining has been a rough ride for me. I'm a hard gainer, and heavy whipping cream is the only thing that has worked for me. It's hard for me to drink that stuff, and I have quit gaining on more than one occasion due to my difficulties drinking heavy whipping cream long-term. Despite this, I keep coming back to it. I am so addicted to gaining that I just can't help myself.

As for a goal weight, I'm going for 500 pounds. The question is, once I reach my goal weight, will I be able to stop? We'll see.

I suffer from compulsive overeating disorder so yes I can relate.
The excitement and fear are part of it.
Binge eating I have done as well so but both are not a regular thing, the urges come and go.
There are times when I don't want to gain and there are times I do.
There are times when I have trouble and get a bit out of control.
I know its just a phase or urge so it will usually wane.

I definitely have a lot of both myself. The compulsive overeating keeps my weight gradually, slowly increasing but the binge spells which happen 1-2 times per month cause big growth spurt. Depending on how long they last. I’ve had one last a whole week recently, which added about 4 lbs. And the binges get more frequent and longer, with time.

Exactly the same with me. Eating heavy whipping cream is such a pleasure. But it’s hard to continue eating this constantly. Oh, and then there’s tthe delayed bloated feeling which is such a turn on for me.

Keep eating.

Drugs.
antidepressants
at least they take the edge off and i dont care how much i eat.

this whole thing is out of control though.
i mean even if some of you choose to gain
can you honestly stop?

I’ve been on and off antidepressants forever and none of them made me eat more… until mirtazapine. I still remember the first day I took it. I used to take it in the evening to help me sleep. I woke up in the morning like I’d never eaten in my life. Had a couple bowls of cereal but did not feel satisfied. Had a small snack before lunch and then lunch at the usual time. Lunch was about double my usual portion, same as breakfast. But I didn’t think much of it. Just that I needed to settle into the new medication. I decided it was too crazy to keep eating all day so I just tried my best to distract myself all afternoon. But the more I ignored the cravings, the worse they got. By dinner time, I was feeling a bit weird from gluttonous thoughts. I went to the nearest burger place and bought ordered 3 meals. They said it would be ready to collect in 10 minutes so I went to the shop next door to buy desert walked outside and started eating it. So then I had to go back in to buy another desert. By this time the burgers were ready so I collected them and quickly walked home. I even ate one on the way. I got home, locked the door and lined up all the food so it would be easy and fast to eat. I shoved it all in as fast as possible. I was in extreme pain but still completely unsatisfied. And that was the story for the next 6 months I was on that medication. No matter how much i ate, there was this constant “itch” in my brain telling me I wasn’t yet satisfied with that food. In that whole time, I couldn’t scratch that itch so I just got enormous.