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Why are fa's so closeted?

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Seven8the9   Canada
Joined 12 years
I'm a fat girl and over the years, the fact that less people have hit on me in public has taken a toll on my confidence. Now that I'm older , I know better (most of the time) that there ARE people out there that prefer bigger, fatter bodies.

Why are you all so quiet about it in real life?!

I mean, of course there are the societal norms and pressures... but could someone explain it to me simply, laymen terms?
4 years

Why are fa's so closeted?

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Biggirlsok   United States
Joined 9 years
For me personally It boils down to social anxiety, I have trouble talking to people unless
A. I keep telling myself "your getting paid to be friendly " such as when I'm at work.

B. A pre established common intrest, because of this I tend to randomly join in conversations about movies, music, games ect.

C. I generally don't know when a good time to flirt with someone is, let alone tell when someone is flirting with me.
4 years

Why are fa's so closeted?

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Thick Lad   United States
Joined 4 years
Being fat tends to be something looked down upon in society. I don’t need everyone knowing that it is my goal to reach such extreme proportions. It seems like it would do more harm than good.
4 years

Why are fa's so closeted?

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LondonFA   United States
Joined 9 years
seven8the9:
I'm a fat girl and over the years, the fact that less people have hit on me in public has taken a toll on my confidence. Now that I'm older , I know better (most of the time) that there ARE people out there that prefer bigger, fatter bodies.

Why are you all so quiet about it in real life?!

I mean, of course there are the societal norms and pressures... but could someone explain it to me simply, laymen terms?


The closer to a group median (observable ideal normal) you are, the more like "family" [kin] you look to the group around you.
The closer your attraction is to the "normal" the more "normal" you are therefore the more you fit in to the surrounding group.

The more you fit in the group, the easier you are to be looked at by the group as close or "like family".

This in our history as humans has been key to the evolution of our behavior.

The brain says: "Care for family."
Therefore a non family member who looks and behaves closer to "family" will likely receive more care and will therefore have a better chance of survival.

So brains that says: act more "normal" in a local group sense, are trying to receive more group care and therefore are more likely to survive.

When dictated fashions change that normal to be thin, that means a person attracted to someone not normal (fat) will try and correct their visible behavior against their attraction as they believe it will fit in with the larger group around them and therefore instinctively think that they have a better chance of survival.

Fatphobia is only a small part of the behaviors that this hypothesis creates.

It can make vast parts of society behave racist even if they wouldn't naturally be so.

Herd behavior is odd, but our inheretance of it cannot be overcome quickly.

Slowly, if it becomes less useful for survival, it will fade. But for now, unless the perceived normal which we mostly receive through a mix of family and media changes, then our expressed preferences, whether real or faked, will always be partly driven by the now false longing to "fit in".
4 years

Why are fa's so closeted?

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Fluffy Toaster   Australia
Joined 10 years
Thick Lad:
Being fat tends to be something looked down upon in society. I don’t need everyone knowing that it is my goal to reach such extreme proportions. It seems like it would do more harm than good.

I agree this topic in general does more harm than good, I don't see any reason to bring it up unless specificly asked by a friend.
Also when flirting with a fat girl chances are that she doesn't share the same view as you do of her body so why bring it up at all (until later at least ).
4 years

Why are fa's so closeted?

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Jiggle Junkie   United States
Joined 4 years
seven8the9:
I'm a fat girl and over the years, the fact that less people have hit on me in public has taken a toll on my confidence. Now that I'm older , I know better (most of the time) that there ARE people out there that prefer bigger, fatter bodies.

Why are you all so quiet about it in real life?!

I mean, of course there are the societal norms and pressures... but could someone explain it to me simply, laymen terms?


Hopefully the answers will keep coming in, because they’re likely to differ.

I’m such a societal outsider that i personally don’t give a fig about fitting in, though that’s a perceived legit concern for many.

biggirlsok:
C. I generally don't know when a good time to flirt with someone is, let alone tell when someone is flirting with me.


Yes, this. I never know when a good time to flirt with someone is. As i’ve posted elsewhere, i’m so utterly unclear on when someone is flirting with me it sometimes takes me years after the moment to realize i was being flirted with. 4 out of 5 (eventual) lovers pretty close to gave up on me (before anything started) as being disinterested, when in my reality 1) I wasn’t at all sure they were interested, 2) I wasn’t clear whether flirting was appropriate, 3) I didn’t want to come on too strong.

Then there’s this, and this may be a gender thing that affects women-attracted male FAs more than other FAs: socialization. Society tells me that as a (genetic) male attracted to women, that it is never appropriate for me to express my desires outside of Very Specific Circumstances: personal posts/ads, dating apps, events specifically meant as meet/meat markets….

Flirting with/hitting on people in public can be dangerous, likely for everyone (or at least many people) and guaranteed for men attracted to women. Think about the quintessential creeper: who is that person? Very likely a man.

Here’s another thing: most of us want attention from people we like, and do Not want attention from those we don’t. For those of us who are really bad at reading subtle signs of interest, it’s infinitely safer to hide our interest, in case our desire is blinding us to the person of our desire sending out signals of disinterest we can’t reliably read.

Is she smiling at me because she’s being polite (perhaps under societal pressure)? Because she’s filled with joy and smiles with close to everyone? Because she (gasp) likes me? Maybe others know, and can tell the difference. I usually can’t, unless she goes overt Clue By 4 on me.
4 years

Why are fa's so closeted?

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C00kie   United Kingdom
Joined 5 years
administrator
Do people still get hit on in public? I thought everyone only dated online these days haha...

Seriously though to the OP... I have experienced the same thing, or had a lack of experience of this. Usually the only time it happens is when people are doing the 'pull a pig' joke or it's back handed flirtation, 'you're pretty for a big girl', which puts me off instantly.

I always felt that it was a shame thing on part of the FA. Although they like you and like big guys and gals... They don't want friends or family to know. It's easy for them to hide their preference if they are not already big themselves... and like some of the other posters have put... They can continue fitting into the norm and not be ridiculed, unlike fat people who have to deal with it on a daily basis.

I promised myself a long time ago and I think you should do something similar... I won't date anyone who is ashamed of me. Regardless of size or any other feature about myself physical or otherwise. Do not date closet FA's... It does not make for a good relationship. You wont feel fulfilled, you wont feel good enough, and it will take a toll on your self worth.

I know that seems a little negative but that's the way the c00kie crumbles!
4 years

Why are fa's so closeted?

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Tea4   Canada
Joined 15 years
seven8the9:
I'm a fat girl and over the years, the fact that less people have hit on me in public has taken a toll on my confidence. Now that I'm older , I know better (most of the time) that there ARE people out there that prefer bigger, fatter bodies.

Why are you all so quiet about it in real life?!

I mean, of course there are the societal norms and pressures... but could someone explain it to me simply, laymen terms?


First off all, hitting on anyone in public is a very dangerous game for anyone but especially men. You risk being humiliated at least and if the person has some really extreme problems, who knows how they could spin it into trouble in this day and age. Hence the only places I've ever done it is at bars/clubs where it's expected more so.

Now then the whole fat girl aspect.... I am by no means a closeted FA. It's not me that's ashamed, it's women. Long long ago after I learned I was an FA I also fairly quickly learned that it doesn't make your 'chances' any easier and in fact actually harder. I may have thrown off the chains but fat girls have not. They will think you are just fucking with them if you give a compliment.

It's frustrating and sad how many girls I've seen just absolutely despise their body and never even think to deviate from that. It's like their go-to is self-loathing and they must make everyone else aware that they are fat, they hate it of course, and what kind of sick fuck would think any other way. Sadly this is most fat girls. And if you outright compliment a physical aspect that society never would like a big fat round belly or ass or thighs well....forget about that. Even if you're well into the relationship with someone they are usually so conditioned to what makes a real compliment that it will never go over smoothly.

I suppose for men it's a test of your resolve as an FA. Yeah you're going to get ***s who try and rip on you for liking fat chicks. I honestly do not care and laugh at people so insecure with themselves they have to take it out on a guy who knows what he likes and isn't ashamed of it. It actually has landed a good deal of respect from a lot of people.

So OP I get your frustration. We as FA men have to fight society all over again in the heads of women we desire. It's a hard battle because you can't tell someone how to feel even when you're telling them nothing but positives.
4 years

Why are fa's so closeted?

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Lry   Israel
Joined 12 years
seven8the9:
I'm a fat girl and over the years, the fact that less people have hit on me in public has taken a toll on my confidence. Now that I'm older , I know better (most of the time) that there ARE people out there that prefer bigger, fatter bodies.

Why are you all so quiet about it in real life?!

I mean, of course there are the societal norms and pressures... but could someone explain it to me simply, laymen terms?

Tea4:
First off all, hitting on anyone in public is a very dangerous game for anyone but especially men. You risk being humiliated at least and if the person has some really extreme problems, who knows how they could spin it into trouble in this day and age. Hence the only places I've ever done it is at bars/clubs where it's expected more so.

Now then the whole fat girl aspect.... I am by no means a closeted FA. It's not me that's ashamed, it's women. Long long ago after I learned I was an FA I also fairly quickly learned that it doesn't make your 'chances' any easier and in fact actually harder. I may have thrown off the chains but fat girls have not. They will think you are just fucking with them if you give a compliment.

It's frustrating and sad how many girls I've seen just absolutely despise their body and never even think to deviate from that. It's like their go-to is self-loathing and they must make everyone else aware that they are fat, they hate it of course, and what kind of sick fuck would think any other way. Sadly this is most fat girls. And if you outright compliment a physical aspect that society never would like a big fat round belly or ass or thighs well....forget about that. Even if you're well into the relationship with someone they are usually so conditioned to what makes a real compliment that it will never go over smoothly.

I suppose for men it's a test of your resolve as an FA. Yeah you're going to get ***s who try and rip on you for liking fat chicks. I honestly do not care and laugh at people so insecure with themselves they have to take it out on a guy who knows what he likes and isn't ashamed of it. It actually has landed a good deal of respect from a lot of people.

So OP I get your frustration. We as FA men have to fight society all over again in the heads of women we desire. It's a hard battle because you can't tell someone how to feel even when you're telling them nothing but positives.


This is very true, it took me a lot of time to find a big girl who is confident and likes herself but still freaks out when I tough her belly or do anything else reminding her about not being skinny.

It is getting better but honestly its like a fight you have to repeat every time and in the end we all want to be with someone who truly believe they are sexy the way they are!
4 years

Why are fa's so closeted?

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C00kie   United Kingdom
Joined 5 years
administrator

Iry
This is very true, it took me a lot of time to find a big girl who is confident and likes herself but still freaks out when I tough her belly or do anything else reminding her about not being skinny.

It is getting better but honestly its like a fight you have to repeat every time and in the end we all want to be with someone who truly believe they are sexy the way they are!


Do you not think if FA's / Feeders didn't act ashamed of liking bigger people or consider the thoughts of random-ers / family friends more important than their own preferences that maybe... JUST maybe, bigger people would be more confident.

Having to deal with general society pulling us down, marketing, advertising and popular culture dragging us down by shaming or excluding us takes it's toll... But what is worse is people who actually LIKE fat people and want relationships with us then don't support us, stick up for us, don't chat us up, hide their feelings etc... ALL of that contributes to us feeling unworthy, not wanting to be touched and hating ourselves.

So if you want fat people to be confident and happy... don't hide us away, don't hide your feelings and preferences away. Because fitting in with the norm is not going to change peoples perspectives on fat people and you will always feel ashamed. Help to create a world where being fat is accepted... Maybe then you can find more people that don't shy away when you touch the very thing that you find sexy.
4 years
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