You're young, and you still have good metabolism on your side. The best thing about gaining is that it is gradual and reversible, you can try and push yourself 5lbs at the time (baby steps) then stop and see how you feel about it. It could surprise you, people might not care as much as you think, and you might even find yourself enjoying the occasional comment. Worst case scenario is that you find out that it's only a phase or that you don't enjoy it as much I you thought you would, so you would eat salads for a few weeks and lose the blubber. Everybody would tell you how much of hero you are for losing the weight.

This is not uncommon in the gaining world, being a gay feeder I've encountered few people with the same mind-frame and with variant degrees, from guys who just want to be teased about their growing breasts and soft curves, to guys who like to wear feminine clothes and be called feminine names during play, or androgynous clothes /drag in public, but still identify as male to full on trans women who take hormones and rub estrogen on their boobs to grow them (hopefully under medical attention) ... it's all cool, take your time, explore all your options and see where you fall on the spectrum, you don't have to slap a label on your forehead, just enjoy what makes you you!
cheers

My biggest fantasy is to open a secret club/hotel for fat gentlemen and their admirers (all gay) .. a bit like a sexclub with speakeasy vibes where gainers and feeders get to meet and enjoy eachother services, eat all the food and wonderaround half naked in the public areas. We'd weigh and measure everybody in public and give rewards for the fattest person, the biggest gain, the most sucessful feeder etc ....
We'd also have house fatties who never leave because they can't fit through the doors anymore, but we take good care of them

The problem is the only facet that gets any attention from mainstream media is the predatory/ abusive aspect of feederism, (which I know exists) but still is in noway representative of this community, but nobody cares to show the consensual aspect where feedees actually want to gain weight and feeders and not just creeps who want to prey on loveless fat people.

do you know at what time stamp he starts talking about feederism, the podcast is 2 hours long
update:
Found it:

Was there ever that one moment in your life where you decided to start gaining, or was it a slow process to get into that realization?

youtube.com/watch
what do you think?

1- Having a sneaky feeder who tries to fatten you up without your knowledge or consent?
2- Submitting willingly to a dominant feeder who takes full control over your gaining?
3- Having a lovey dovey romantic encourager who makes sure you are gaining as comfortably as possible?
4- Having a boy-toy encourager for you to boss around and send him to run food errands?
5- Having an encourager who is more verbally teasing calling you names and slapping your fat around?


I think I am a little bit of all those types, but if I had to chose I'd say 2,3,5,1 ... 4 ... although I wouldn't categorize myself as a toyboy per say but I do love to please and spoil my fatty sometimes

my result:
The fat worshiper

You just love fat, it’s plain and simple, you like to play with it, fondle it, lick it, touch it and burry your face in it. You’re probably the handsiest type of encouragers, rolls of fat are simply irresistible for you and you cannot stop yourself from touching it. Pros: you’re the cuddliest of them all. Cons: sometimes you can come off as too fetishistic and objectifying.