Chapter 1, I need estrogen

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Hey everyone. I've been really busy but now I finally have time to write again. Just so you know this story is mostly meant for transgender women. But I'm pretty sure most people can enjoy the later chapters. Please let me know what you think, enjoy reading and stay hydrated. ;)
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"I'm sorry Alyssa, that's the best I can do. You'll have to wait at least 12 years before your first gender assesment."

I felt hopeless, I sunk down in my chair and tears started flowing. My GP looked at me with a sad expression. He would help me any way he could. It was deadly silent for a few minutes until I had the courage to speak.

"And you're sure there's no other way?"

"Well you haven't heard this from me but there are a few options outside the system. Most are insanely expensive so probably out of reach for a college student like you. I have heard of some people buying hormones online but I'm pretty sure that's been made illegal. Maybe you can socially transition for the meanwhile, I know it's not much but it could make you feel a little better."

"Yeah maybe I'll try that. If I find something I'll keep you up to date."

"Thanks, I'm so sorry I couldn't be of more help. Please take care of yourself and don't hesitate to call me if anything is wrong."

I thanked him and defeatedly exited the room. Without much thought I went home.

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I entered my dorm room. My building was te most luxurious on campus. All the rooms were pretty large and I had to share the bathroom and kitchen with only one other person, Mila. She was a tall slender woman with a bubbly personality. Somehow she always manages to cheer me up. As I was making dinner for myself she entered the shared kitchen.

"Hey there pretty girl."

After a rough day I just collapsed into tears right then and there.

"Oh wow didn't expect that reaction. What's wrong? Come Lyss, please sit down on my couch and cry yourself out."

She took my hand and sat me down. I just shook for a few minutes. Breaking down as she soothes me and rubs my back.

"The GP referred me to the clinic..."

"That's great news!!"

",,,And I have to wait 12 years before they take me in for a first consultation."

"Ohw nevermind. How can they do that. That should be illegal! Time to start a protest and burn shit down."

Her immediate switch to overzealous activism made me chuckle a little.

"Yeah we should nail the minister for health and fitness to a cross and force him to change the rules."

"You speak my language. Show dominance over those assholes who fucked you over."

"Definitely. Also I can smell that I didn't turn the stove off and my food has turned to charcoal."

"Wanna order a pizza with me?"

"You wanna make me fat or something. I don't have such an insanely fast metabolism as you do. I've never seen you gain even one pound. Meanwhile I had to struggle the entire semester to lose the freshman 15."

"But you did lose it didn't you. I'm pretty sure one pizza won't hurt you. Maybe you'll even gain a few curves. You'd have more than me in no time."

"Ohh that's a low blow. But okay. I'll have a medium pepperoni."

"Pepperoni is very high in calories."

"Stop teasing me asshole."

I poked her which stopped her teasing. We watched our favourite bad show, the bachelor, when our pizza's arrived. After we both ate them we rubbed our distended bellies.

"Look we now both have food babies. Difference is yours will be gone tomorrow but mine always tends to leave a little extra layer."

"Stop it. You're beautiful as you are, I hate it when you call yourself fat."

She slapped my tight tummy and said:

"I'm sure there will be nothing left of this tomorrow. And besides who'll see it other than me. Also with your willpower I'm sure you'll burn through those calories in a halfhour gym visit."

"Yeah you're right. Luckily Grant can't see mee like this."

Mila sighed. She replied almost with dissapointment.

"You're still infatuated with that awful jock. You deserve better than that asshole."

"But have you seen his muscles."

We both giggled. As always she managed to make me feel better.

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These last few weeks have been quite busy. I had a large art project to finish before the deadline. Since it was the first time we could make whatever we want I decided to make an image trying to show dysforia. It felt more personal than anything I've ever made before. Also I wasn't even out to other students at my college. Actually I was only out to Mila really. I was hard at work with my painting when the professor stepped over to my little studio.

"Hi [deadname], how is your progress going?"

I felt like sinking though the floor. He can't even help it. That's the name he knows but it hurts so much.

"Hi professor. I'm currently trying to make the painting reflect a personal feeling. But it's difficult to reimagine and put it into art."

"Okay. Well now that I'm looking at it it looks like a disfigured female body with a large amount of scars. So what is it you're trying to represent?"

"I guess this feeling of mine. I'm not sure if it gives the right image. Maybe I should just scrap it."

"No I don't think so. But maybe it would be better if you just take the rest of the day off. Get some fresh air you know. And If you don't mind I'd like to speak with you privately in my office after hours. If that's alright with you."

"I can see you then. I didn't do anything wrong did I?"

"No you didn't. But I'm... a bit concerned about you. I just feel the need to check up on you."

"Okay sir. I'll see you at four then."

I walked out and did as he asked. I enjoyed the summer sun and was quite tense for my meeting with my professor. The day seemed to drag by as I kept wondering what he had to say.

...

I knocked on the door of his office.

"Come in!"

I entered and noticed my painting sitting in his office. It seemed like he had been studying it as he turned around.

"Art is the gateway to the soul. At least that's what I like to think. Now this piece reminds me of myself when I was in a darker place just a few years ago."

He motioned me to come over and sit down. Nervously I took a seat.

"This is an amazing piece of art because of how genuine it is. I can just see that it's been made by channeling your own feelings. Which brings me to my point. Your art reminds me of myself before I transitioned."

I stared at him. It took a while before I processed his words but then I asked:

"Wait, you're trans?"

"Yep, found out a few years ago. Some would call me a late bloomer. I mean 42 isn't really the age most people think of when they picture trans people. Now I wanted to ask you, are you trans?"

With this question all the tension that build up over the last 2 years of college suddenly released. Tears started uncontrollably flowing down my cheeks. I nodded at his question.

"What's your name?"

I softly replied.

"Alyssa. She/her pronouns."

"That's a beautiful name."

"Thanks. I picked it myself."

He chuckled.

"A friend of mine is in a tough spot right now. She's on a really long waiting list for transition healthcare. I don't want to presume anything but are you on a list as well?"

"Yeah, I have 12 years to go before they'll even let me speak to someone."

"That sucks. This friend of mine did tell me she found an alternative that sadly wasn't really fit for her since she's a sports coach. But maybe it's something for you."

"What do you mean?"

"She found someone selling a modified type of hormones that does wonders for transistioning. Like even more than estrogen could accomplish. But the side effects were unacceptable for her. Still I wanted to tell you this cause I know it's hard and you're probably desperate. This would be something maybe worth considering."

"Yeah that sounds pretty good. I would love to look into that more."

The rest of the conversation went by very fast. We talked about how it is to be trans and how he should call me with other students around etc. It was actually very freeing to talk about it so openly with another trans person. I went back home with a big genuine smile. The type I haven't had for many years because of dysforia. There finally seemed to be a light at the end of the tunnel.

I opened my laptop that evening and clicked on the link he send me. It was a page to order this special hormone supplement. It seemed to have all the desired effects like breast growth and slowing down or completely stoppin body hair growth. Even some things estrogen couldn't fix like wider hips and some changes to your facial bone. It looked perfect, maybe even better than perfect. I scrolled though the list of effects and got happier and happier until I saw the list of side effects.

- Large chance of weight gain because of slowed metabolism.

- Possible increase in appetite.

- A large portion of people see more muscle loss with this substitute than with estrogen.

- Most people show a difference in libido after a few months.

- Most people show a change in sexuality.

- Large change of increased tiredness.

- Less physical awareness of being full after a meal.

- Most people show an increase in stomach capacity and strechability.

- The body will more easily generate more fat cells. It will cling om to almost every calorie because of a survival instinct activated by this hormone.

- The digestive tract has increased efficiency. More calories get absorbed and your body will be able to process large amounts of food relatively easily.

- When quitting this medicine without replacing it with estrogen reversal of the effects start quickly. One side effect of quitting without replacement is heavy withdrawal effects. Most important of which is incredible heavy mood swings.

That was quite a list. I now get why the sports coach didn't want to take this. She'd probably lose her job with the decreased muscle mass. And maybe the weight gain, but with enough exercise that could be easily curbed, right? I pondered for a moment but then my thoughts became clear when I saw the truth. I've been incredibly depressed because of my body and how people see me. There is a way out right here for a fair price. I don't care if I gain a bit. I lost the freshman 15, I'm sure I can handle this.

My mind was made up so I desicively clicked to order for the next 3 months. Just about 130 bucks. Definitely worth it. I order for quite a while to make sure I didn't have those withdrawal symptops.