Chapter 1
Link to Audio Version: https://youtu.be/Fs7tG5b7unE?si=SlRfbdhDI2FNOKhfHey! I was just about to get a snack, do you want something?
What’s that supposed to mean?
You said “Of course you are,” what did you mean by that?
Yea, I eat a lot of snacks, I love snacks. So what?
What? Are you serious? I have not.
I have not been gaining weight lately, what's even making you say that?
For a while? You have not been thinking this for a while, you’re being crazy.
What? No, no, my pants are just unbuttoned cause I just ate lunch, I’m really full. Sue me for being comfortable, I guess.
Well, just because I just ate lunch doesn't mean I can't get a snack, what sense does that make? They’re snacks, you’re supposed to eat them between meals.
You’re just trying to be funny, right? Is this like a TikTok prank or something?
No, you’re denying it way too hard, it definitely is. I know I’m not fat, I've eaten like this my whole life and I've never gotten fat. All these prank trends are way too obvious.
Oh my god, you’re really gonna stick to it? What are you like, filming this? You are, aren't you? Where’s the camera?
What do you mean look at myself? I told you, I'm a little bloated, that's why my stomach is sticking out like that. God, you’ve never heard of a food baby?
It's not that my pants are too tight, I just wanna be comfortable. And the button was like digging into me, I could barely breathe for real.
Oh my god, you're repeating yourself. I said it's cause I just ate! I had like, a huge lunch, and a really big breakfast, same as I always do.
Why does it matter what I had? Pancakes and waffles, the same thing I always eat for breakfast.
Yes both, you know I can never decide.
No that wasn't it. I had like, sides too.
Just some bacon and eggs! Oh and some sausage. And a cinnamon roll. Plus I got these frozen breakfast sandwiches from the store that are sooo good, you have to try them. I had a couple of those too.
I mean, it's not really a lot. I guess like, for some people, but I have a really fast metabolism. I always have, it's how I stay skinny without having to diet or exercise.
I am too skinny! People have always said that about me.
The last time someone…I don't know! I don't, like, keep track of when people say things to me you weirdo. I'm sure it was recently. Everybody at my old job said that, like, every day before I went remote a year ago.
That's when I started getting fat? Yea, yea ok, pranks over. You can pull the camera out from wherever you hid it cause I’m not falling for this. I don't even get the point of this joke. Wait, how are you filming this? Your phone’s in your hand, what are you even using?
You’re being weird… are you trying to, like, neg me or something? *What, do you, like, have a crush on me?
Dude, stop saying I got fat! It's getting annoying.
Why are you bringing up last weekend, what does that have to do with-
Oh my Godddd. I explained that to you then, the dryer has been, like, messing up all my clothes and that's why all my party dresses were too tight. It had nothing to do with me.
Yes, the dryer! The dryer has been running a lot of my stuff recently, I even started getting stuff dry cleaned and it's all still shrinking. I swear clothes are so cheap nowadays, everything is, like, terrible quality. I gotta start buying nicer stuff.
Denial? Denial about what? There’s nothing to be in denial about, I'm as thin as I've always been.
Yea, I eat ice cream every night, a lot of people do. Have you ever heard of dessert? And like I said, I have a fast metabolism. I couldn't gain weight even if I tried.
It is not the entire pint! I mean, most nights anyways. Sometimes I finish a pint, but I might as well enjoy it while I'm still young and I can eat like this with no consequences.
Why are you laughing?
No, no, what’s funny?
I am not delusional! Ok, this was like, weird at first, but now you just sound jealous.
No you do, it's like you're jealous I can eat whatever I want without gaining weight. Well, sorry I have good genetics. Like, I don't know what you want me to say.
Oh my god, you’re dragging it at this point, a belly? I don't have a belly. I told you, I'm bloated.
Yea, I could button up my pants if I wanted to!
Yea, I.....
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