chapter 1

I whisk you away to a villa by a mountain lake, with stunning views all along one glass wall, and a jacuzzi overlooking it the lake. The kitchen is state-of-the-art, with everything I need to make masterpieces of the culinary art!

I've been preparing for this for a fortnight - baking cakes and making cold dishes that keep. The car was full on the way here! So not a moment will go by when you're not being filled with fattening food.

On the way up to the villa, we stop at a fancy restaurant. I've been saving up for this, so you can try all the tastiest dishes on the menu. Everytime you think you've had enough, I point out something incredibly tempting on the menu and you just have to have it. Once we're at the villa, I steer you to the jacuzzi and tell you not to move a muscle. You relax as the hot water swirls and soothes your distended belly. I bring us both Long Island Iced Teas (800 calories a go) then climb in next to you and rub your tummy until I can pop some delicious brownie meringues with raspberry cream into your mouth.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/ch ocolate_brownie_64092

Once they're gone I make sure your Iced Tea is topped up, then bring on a scrummy cheese board with all your favourites, with grapes and crackers and the richest most delicious butter you've ever tasted. You're too full really to take another bite, but I tease you about being such a pig and you get horny enough to eat the lot!

Eventually I take pity on my poor stuffed whale and take you to bed..... (draws curtain over scenario)

You wake up in the morning to delicious frying smells and fresh bread. I've been up for hours, baking and preparing delicious fattening treats. As soon as I hear you move I run in with an enormous overflowing breakfast tray. First up is a big pile of blueberry pancakes, fruit and maple syrup - with a cheeky dollop of double cream on the side. There's a huge mocha with lots of chocolate syrup as well as fruit juice. Your eyes light up and your belly can't help gurgling, despite last night's gluttony. I watch eagerly as you stuff your face and the sight of me enjoying your piggishness makes you want to eat all day and night! Once the pancakes are nothing but crumbs, I dash back to the kitchen to finish off your fry-up. It's the biggest plate of sausages, bacon, biscuits and eggs you've ever seen, with freshly baked bread and rich butter. You'd never be able to finish it normally, but your tummy has been stretched out by my evil machinations last night You realise that you've never felt so hungry in your life and you pile into the food with a vengeance...

Once you've scoffed down all that yummy breakfast, I tell you to get dressed, cos I've got a nice surprise for you. So you finish off the creamy mocha and scramble off to the shower. You realise that this shower stall seems rather small all of a sudden...

When you're ready we go out to the car. You get to sleep off some of that gigantic breakfast while I drive us to the surprise.

I gently shake you awake and you see a vision in front of you - a beautiful gourmet cheesecake factory. I've arranged for us to have a special tour. First, our plump guide shows us how they use the finest ingredients, and we get to taste them. The thick, gooey cream cheese is to die for! Then we see how these ingredients are transformed into a wide variety of irresistable desserts. We can see how good they are, because there's not a single skinny person in the factory. Our guide laughs and says everyone gains at least 5 pounds within 2 months of starting work here.

Pretty soon I can hear your tummy start to rumble again and smile mischievously. You catch the twinkle in my eye and grin back, patting your belly and ready for more. Luckily they bring out samples of all their most popular cheesecakes, so you get to try them all:

http://www.englishcheesecake.com/corpo rate

At the end you're presented with a stunning present - a gorgeous Blackforest Cheesecake with "For my Handsome Piggy" across the top. I whisper in your ear that I want to see that disappear by evening time:

http://www.englishcheesecake.com/corp orate/product/id/274

Finally, happy and full, we're ready to go. I give you a big kiss and it tastes divine