chapter 1

He had always had very mixed feelings about his chubby body. He was embarrassed by it publicly, but privately, he was very happy with it, even proud of it. He enjoyed the extra heft he had and the extra space he took up; the jiggle of his belly even gave him some odd sort of pleasure, but he tried not to think about it, because he knew from experience that thinking too much about it would start to make him hungry, and he could see that was the setup for a vicious cycle to begin. Because at the same time, the shame was still real when it came to being around other people, such as at the beach with friends.
At one point he met a woman through a couple friends of his who caught his attention right away. She was so warm and sincere and engaging, and he tried to grab her attention but he was distracted by his own appearance. And yet, she seemed to be interested in him to some level. He wanted to make this the opportunity to get in shape and try to pass for someone slimmer, to try to appeal to her more easily. He made this his goal for over the course of the next six months, denying himself the delicious food he always indulged in, throwing out the extra snacks he always kept around, avoiding big meals, getting into excercise routines he dreaded. He heard it all the time from the gym-rat type that eventually you get "addicted" to working out, but that seemed like a bad joke to him. He couldn't get "addicted" to sweating and being judged and exhausted, but then he would see her on a weekend and his motivation would be reignited. One of those times, he bought a weight scale right after and started to keep track of himself that way.
He managed to lose about 20 pounds. He still had a little chub, but for his frame he could tell himself that he was looking good in the mirror, and believe it. He went through the whole ritual of sprucing up and preparing for a date night- a fresh cut, fresh shave, some good clothes, browsing through ideas of exciting things to do in the city- and asked a favor of one of his mutual friends to mention to her that "he seemed kind of interested in her", nothing too obvious. He asked them what her response was like, and they were uncertain. The following week he saw her again at the bar their friends often went to on a Saturday night, and made a point to keep up a conversation with her. He tried to stay confident- easier now that he knew people were noticing his slimming down- without looking cocky. She was happy enough to talk for a while, but seemed to be losing interest as a couple of hours passed. His heart was in his throat the entire time, but he was trying not to panic when he noticed her darting for her phone more and yawning here and there as the time wore on. He told himself, she's had a couple of beers, maybe she's just a lightweight and needs some rest.
At the end of the night, feeling like he might be trembling from nerves (in spite of having had a couple drinks himself, which he wished would have a stronger effect on him), he smoothed out his voice as much as possible and asked her if she would be interested in going with him on a river boat cruise around the town harbor, which would also have a really nice dinner. She stammered a little bit. She asked if their other friends were going, and he said "no, I was thinking between just you and me". "Like, a date?" she asked grimly. His heart sank but he managed a "yeah". The bar was pretty dark, but he could swear she gave him a quick once-over from the corner of her eyes. After a brief pause, he knew he already had his answer and tried to walk away. She tried to squeeze in a few words that she was also clearly having a hard time put together, about enjoying his friendship and wanting to stay connected and so forth, but the "no" was evident enough, and he just wanted to get the rest of his evening over with.