Athlete Vs Arousal

Chapter 1 - Conflict

Amy got home from athletics, sweating,  tired, and hopped straight into the shower. She gazed over her lean physique, tensing her abdominal muscles in the mirror, and admired her thigh gap. She wasn't skinny, but she was athletic. She loved her body; she felt energised, healthy and was immensely grateful for it. She valued listening to her body, her hunger signals and when she felt she needed rest and when she needed to push herself further. Her body was her temple as they say. But there was one thing she never understood. Her lifelong fantasy and kink for the idea of getting chubby. At 23 now, it never made sense to her. She had spent so long trying to understand it, accept it and know how to integrate it into her life. It confused her how at certain times of arousal, all she wanted was her belly to grow into a soft handful of fat for her to squeeze and jiggle, to see her thighs thicken and her sides to expand into a doughy muffintop. She had no idea where this kink came from, but like many she researched on the forums, it had been there her whole life. After getting off, the desire faded and her 'normal self' took back control. She no longer desired to gain once the arousal passed until it built back up again. She was beyond confused why she was like this. How did one part of her want to gain weight and get so turned on to the point she had to get off to silence the desire, but yet the 'normal' side of her had no interest in gaining, and wanted to keep her current body so bad. She wondered if anybody else felt similar. 
She grabbed her non existent belly in the shower, and felt a deep longing to be able to grab some actual fat. 'why am I like this!' she said, angrily. 'What's wrong with me.'
After her shower she looked at a few pictures of chubbier women, trying to imagine herself like that, with a slight overhang on the belly, a muffin top and thick thighs, and once more she had no idea if she wanted it, all she knew was that it made her so wet. 'Being turned on is surely not enough to ever want to change my body ever.'
She knew that she was happy and so healthy being slim, but yet this kink held such a power that any stimulus or thoughts about weight gain sent her scrolling through images and imagining herself in their gaining situations. As usual she got off, and told herself she would never think about it again.

But the morning after, once more, the thoughts popped up, as if they were merely dormant before.  She felt crazy, as if there were two sides of her that could never understand each other.

She placed her hands on her belly in bed and thought to herself, 'could I ever truly allow this to get softer ? How can I listen to my body and keep healthy if I ever decide to gain weight?' As usual she had no idea if she wanted to gain, only the dampness below reminded her of her urges. It wasn't a kink that she could leave in the bedroom, get off and be done with, it would stay with her everywhere. That thought she found too intense to think about. 'What if I don't like it when I'm not turned on.' What if it becomes too intense and consuming and takes over me. I know that the desire will just fade soon anyway as usual, it's just so confusing.'

It didn't make it any easier that she had always felt so weird for having these fattening thoughts. She wondered how anybody could want and be turned on by the thought of getting fatter. She felt having the kink was weird as it is, let alone actively pursuing it for pleasure. She also hated seeing other women gain so much weight to the point of obesity and sacrifice their body and health at the same time. It freaked her out and made her feel even stranger about her own desires.

But what was the answer?  She thought. Was there a way to get rid of the thoughts? Should she continue as she was, keeping it as a fantasy and simply getting off to the idea of gaining, or should she go for a small gain and experience it fully in real life?

She had to feel into her desires and let them speak to her. The answers will come out of the confusion.