Chapter 1

I was in homeroom when Mrs. Drummond introduced Aidan Ashford. I’d never forget the first time I saw his face. He was so attractive it was almost unreal—short, slender, a sexy mouth. This dude was God-like, with immaculate skin, the same color as toasted almonds, and dark curly hair. He reminded me of Chad from High School Musical. I’d always had a thing for Corbin Bleu. His eyes were brown and somewhat sad. He looked at his feet nervously, and it made me feel for him. It must’ve sucked to transfer schools two months into senior year, as we were already in the middle of October. His pain was my gain though. It was about time I got some new eye candy to look at, and he was downright delectable. I was working myself up thinking about him, my mind already running a million different scenarios involving our non-existent relationship. I felt my neck go hot and I shifted in my desk.

I hated school, and not because I was dumb or anything. It was the building itself, not built for guys of my stature. In every class the desks were the same. Small. Cramped. Uncomfortable. (I liked the classrooms that used tables instead of traditional desks). For people my size, they were like torture devices. I was 6'6” and 365—okay, 375 pounds. My size was good for football, but other than that I hated it. Desks were never going to get more comfortable, grocery bills were never going to get any lower, and I was never going to get a date. I didn’t look like what gay men wanted. I was too big and too not white.

Everyone waited for him to say something—anything—but he didn’t. He saw the empty desk next to me and sat down. He sat very properly, his spine straight and pressed against the back of the desk chair. I turned to him to say hello.

“Hi, my name is Oakley,” I said. He looked at me nervously, eyes pained. He seemed a bit off, and it was a little worrisome. Maybe he’d had a rough morning. It was his first day after all.

“Do you need help with anything?” I asked. He shook his head no. “Like where your classes are, or how your schedule works?” He shook his head no again. He didn't like me. I thought I’d finally found another gay black guy; my current options were abysmal, few and far between. When I turned eighteen at the start of September, I immediately downloaded all the gay apps, and it did nothing for my self-esteem. I came to realize I was going to be nothing more than a fetish. I was a one-time hook-up that people didn’t want to tell their friends and family about. I never got very far with any of the guys that talked to me online. And now there was Aidan. In the thirty seconds we’d spent sitting next to one another I’d managed to plan out our entire lives together only to have my glorious future ripped from under me.

I knew he likely wasn’t into me because I was so fat. It wasn’t like I was squishy fat or anything, just really solid, with a big belly and thick limbs. And okay, maybe I was a little squishy, but I hoped he could like me for my sparkling personality, and not what I looked like. I sighed and turned towards the front of the classroom. Who was I kidding? My personality wasn’t sparkling enough to get a guy like Aidan to be interested in me. I was deluding myself from the start thinking he’d want to date a beast.

I thought I could get the new boy out of my mind, but he ended up being in all of my classes. All of them. Every. Single. One. I was even paired with him in AP Bio. How could we work together when he didn’t even want to talk to me? When the teacher told him that we’d be working together I saw him wince. Whether it was disgust or just regular old disappointment I was unsure, but it didn’t make me feel good. I could have died.

“Big Oak!” Ah, Big Oak, my nickname since elementary school. I’d grown to hate it with a passion. I didn't like being identified as the big guy. I wanted to be the hot guy, the handsome guy. But I was the big guy, and Handsome Oak just didn’t have the same ring to it. “Hurry up! Come on!” The football team waved me over to our table, where we’d act obnoxiously, drawing the attention of the cafeteria for the duration of the lunch period. I had a tray loaded with food and spotted Aidan sitting by the garbage cans, alone. I knew he didn't like me, even as a potential friend, but I shook my head no at the team and made my way over to his table.

“Aidan, come sit with me and the team,” I offered. I thought it was a nice gesture, considering it was basically an instant pass to the in-crowd. I didn’t particularly care about popularity, but it was nice being cool with a lot of people. He shook his head no. That was shocking. Did he really not care about fitting in and making friends at a new school? This guy was so interesting, never doing what I expected of him, and it did nothing but make me all the more intrigued. “Well, I'll sit with you.” I sat down, feeling my gut hit the table. I sighed silently.

He was just watching me eat and I felt really embarrassed, considering I hadn't planned on sitting with him. The team saw how much I ate, but I guess it must have shocked Aidan. He was eating like a regular sized human being. All he had on his lunch tray was a grilled cheese, yogurt, a fruit salad, and a granola bar. God, I wished I could eat like that. Rabbit food, my dad would call it.

“Do you like it here?” I asked, the silence killing me. He stopped eating, pushing his tray forward towards the middle of the table. He shrugged his shoulders, looking at me cautiously.

“It’s a pretty good school,” I said, trying to make conversation. “Did you go to one of the other high schools in the area or did your family just move here?” He didn’t answer me. I let the silence fill the space between us once again. I bit into one of my meatball subs, marinara dripping out onto the top of my gut, staining my shirt. “Ah, shit,” I mumbled. He smirked at me and it was terrible. I was the sloppy fat guy now. “You think that’s funny?” I asked, trying to sound flirtatious.

He stopped smiling, averting his eyes from me. He shook his head no. Did he think I was mad at him or something?

“Happens more often than I’d like to admit,” I said. “A lot of people laugh at me when I’m eating. It kinda makes me feel bad. Not that I’m mad at you for laughing at me. Fuck, I’m talking way too much.” I laughed nervously. Having to carry a conversation all alone was really hard, especially when I considered the fact he probably didn’t want to be conversing with me in the first place.

“Am—am I bothering you?” I asked, regretting it almost immediately. To be completely honest, I didn’t want a negative response. I already felt like I was bothering him. That was my answer. I shouldn’t have wasted my breath asking. He looked down at his hands, but other than that he didn't move. “Man, I'm sorry. I didn't want to bother you.” He looked up at me, biting his lip nervously, and shook his head no.

No? I smiled at him, feeling good. He said I wasn’t bothering him! He got up and dumped his tray in the garbage cans about five feet from where we sat. He turned towards me and with slight trepidation waved goodbye. We still had like forty minutes left in the lunch period, so I went to sit with the guys on the team.

After that I was on cloud nine. I didn’t care about my sauce stain and happily demolished the rest of my lunch. I kept my distance for the rest of the day though, not wanting to push my luck so immediately after a success. However, the more I thought about it, the more I came to the realization that I wouldn’t get anywhere if I weren’t persistent. I decided I would talk to him a lot more—well, kind of talk to him a lot more. It wouldn’t be much of a conversation if all he did was nod his head.