Burparella

chapter 1

“I’ve never been so embarrassed in all my life,” I said as my coworker Elmira and I walked from the office commissary back to our desks. “I feel like I’m going to die!”

“Oh come on, Bethany” Elmira said, “it’s not that bad. I’m sure he didn’t even notice.”

“How could he not?” I cried. “That was like the loudest burp in all of human history. I’m pretty sure they could hear it up on the space station.”

“You’re exaggerating,” said Elmira, trying her best to console me. “So what if he did hear it. It’s not like it’s the end of the world.”

“Ugh, I know,” I said, my face still a shade of beet-red, “it’s just that I was really hoping to be able to talk with Josh today, and now I feel like I can’t even look him in the face.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Bethany,” Elmira said as the two of us stood at the door to the main office for a moment before entering. “You’re making way too big a deal out of this. So you were in the commissary eating like a pig and you let a huge burp slip out. So what? You’re not the only woman in the world who’s ever burped in public before. I’m sure hardly anyone even noticed or cares at all, and I’m sure everyone has completely forgotten about it by now.”

“You think so?”

“Of course,” Elmira said assuringly, “just forget about it and let’s get back to work.”


Elmira pushed open the frosted glass double-doors to the office suite and we were immediately greeted by a skinny twenty-three year old junior sales executive named Kyle Johnson, the offices’ resident wise-ass.

“Hey, look everyone,” he called out, “‘Burparella’ is in the house!”

The office erupted into laughter as the room full of professional adults instantly regressed backward, exhibiting the juvenile boorishness of an adolescent clique. Feeling mortified, I slunk back to my desk hurriedly, trying desperately to hold back my tears.

I tried to lose myself in work and forget about what had happened at lunch. All week long I had been fantasizing about getting to know my new coworker, this really good looking young man named Josh. He was tall, handsome and so very sweet. I hadn’t talked with him very much at that point, but every time I did I felt something of a spark between us, like maybe he was as interested in me as I was in him. At this moment however, I felt like any chances I had of getting close to him had been completely dashed.

“Don’t listen to that jerk,” Elmira pinged at me over the inter-office messaging app that all the employees of the company used to communicate with one another, “the kid is such an asshole, I don’t know why they haven’t fired him yet.”

“Yeah, I know,” I replied, “I don’t really care about him anyway. I don’t really care what anyone here thinks of me personally. So what? I’m a fat girl who likes to eat, and sometimes I go a little overboard. What's the big deal?”

“That’s right,” Elmira wrote back, “who cares what any of these scrubs think of us! We’re cute chubby girls and we have a right to be here as much as anyone else.”

“I wouldn’t care at all," I responded, "except that Josh was right there when it happened. What must he think of me now?”

“Well, honey,” Elmira said, “there’s only one way you’re going to know for sure. You’ve got to go talk to him.”

Elmira was right. The only way I would ever know anything about Josh and how he truly felt about me would be if I went and actually tried to talk with him. In that moment however, after what had just transpired, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I'd always been a little bit shy, especially around men that I found to be attractive. I was beside myself.


Later that evening, when I was back home I did what I did best and started drowning my sorrows in food, emptying out the pantry and refrigerator, eating everything in sight. I don’t know why I’m such a pig; I just love food so much. I try to stop myself from overeating, but I can’t help myself.

Rapidly stuffing the contents of a box of cookies in my face, mindlessly one after the other, I looked down at my soft and round belly, which seemed to be getting bigger and fatter by the minute. “I know that if I keep eating like this,” I said to myself, “I’m going to get so fat that I won’t be able to fit through my front door. Before long I won’t be able to squeeze into any of my clothes anymore, and I probably won’t even be able to get out of bed. I’ll be too big and fat to go anywhere; I’ll have to quit my job.”

I often fantasized about quitting my job. Even though I have always been very bright and accomplished, and I was good at what I did, it didn’t fulfill me emotionally or in any way really. I dreamed constantly of meeting a nice guy who would love and accept me just the way I am, a man who wouldn’t want to be with her in spite of my weight and my seemingly insatiable appetite, but would adore me because of it.

“If only I could find a cute, handsome guy who wanted to feed me and keep me fat,” I would say to myself. “I could just keep getting bigger and bigger and I wouldn’t have to worry about a thing. I could just lay in bed all day, being fat and lazy, stuffing my face like a fat pig, while my man feeds me and pampers me, takes care of my every need and spoils me rotten like the princess that I know I am. I could let out huge burps all day long and he wouldn't mind at all. That would be the life!”

I polished off the box of cookies and moved on to a coconut creme pie that I had in the fridge, not bothering to grab a fork or a spoon and just shoving my face right down into it, devouring it mercilessly, getting bits of creme and crumbs all over the table and all over myself.

“God, I’m such a pig!” I declared aloud as I inhaled the delicious dessert. “I’m a fat, greedy pig — and I love it!”

I started indiscriminately grabbing for whatever food was nearby and stuffing into my mouth artlessly, making an incredible mess. As I ate more and more, an intense pressure started building upside of me, making me feel almost unbearably full. Before long the pressure just became too much, and a massive belch erupted from deep inside of my gut.

BUUUURP!!!

“Ugh, that feel so good!” she said to myself. “I don’t care what anybody thinks of me, I love being a fat hog and I love to burp!”

BUUUUUURRRP!!!

“They can call me ‘Burparella’ if they want to. I’m just going to keep eating, keep growing and keep on burping!”

BUUUUUUUUURRRRP!!!!


I was making so much noise that I almost missed the ‘ping’ coming from my work phone. I would have just ignored it altogether and waited until morning to look at it, but then I remembered that Elmira said that she was going to message me later in the evening to say hello and see how I was feeling. When I picked up the phone to retrieve the message however, I was shocked to see who it was and what it said.

“Hello Bethany, it’s Josh from work. How are you? I’m sorry to bother you after hours like this, but I was thinking of you, and I was wondering if you were planning to go to the out-of-town conference next week. I’m pretty sure corporate is picking up all the travel expenses, and there should be some really interesting presentations.”

I was in a state of shock. Sitting there in my kitchen with food all over my face and clothing, looking like an absolute disaster, here I was getting an after-hours message from the most handsome guy in the office, the man I’d been dying to talk to all day long. I just couldn’t believe my eyes. Now truth be told, I had absolutely no interest in going to this particular conference and hadn’t given it a second thought, but now that Josh was asking me about it, I started thinking that maybe I ought to reconsider attending.

“Hello Josh,” I wrote back, “that’s no problem, it’s nice to hear from you. I haven’t decided yet wether or not I’m going to go to the conference. Why do you ask?”

“Oh okay,” Josh responded, and then there was no answer beyond that for a few minutes.

“Oh no!” I said to myself in a panic, worried that I may have blown yet another opening to talk with the object of my desires, “What have I done? I should have just said that I was going!”

A few moments later however another ping came through. It was Josh again.

“Well, maybe if you do go we could get a drink or something while we’re out there. It would be nice to spend some time together and get to know one another a little better.”

My jaw fell wide open, and a steady stream of coconut creme infused drool came dribbling down all over my boobs. I wasn’t sure what to say. Was Josh actually asking me out for drinks? Was he just extending a professional courtesy, or was he interested in something more? Could this really be happening, or was it all a dream or some sort of illusion?

“Sure,” I answered finally. “That would be great. I’m sure there are lots of things we could discuss about this new account we’re working on.”

Afraid of making any assumptions, I decided to play it safe and make it all about work. Josh quickly answered back though, making it clear that his mind was indeed on something else.

“Actually,” he responded, “I was hoping that maybe you and I could get to know each other on a personal basis, if that’s alright with you.”

“Personal?” I wrote back.

“Yes,” he replied, “I mean I know technically we’re not supposed to date coworkers, but there’s nothing wrong with two coworkers getting to know one another a little better. Is there?”

My heart was pounding almost as violently as the churning in my overfed stomach. My hands were shaking and I felt like I was going to pass out.

“Nothing wrong with that at all,” I wrote back. “I’ll look at my schedule, and if it looks like I can attend the conference then I’d be happy to get together for drinks with you some evening.”

“Great!” he fired back quickly, “and you know, if for some reason you can’t make it to the conference, then maybe we can meet up around town sometime, just the two of us.”

“Yeah,” I answered, “that would be great.”

Putting down the phone for a moment, I looked around at the mess I had made in the kitchen. I grabbed a towel and quickly wiped off my face. Then I picked up the phone and quickly shot a text over to Elmira.

“Girl,” I said, “you are not going to believe this!”