chapter 5: the perils of ruelli

I left Ruelli's manor the following day, promising to return as soon as the opportunity presented itself. I had the most peculiar feeling of merry freedom. I had committed myself to a love affair with a woman of such insurmountable appetites that she believed them to be actively dangerous. This should have been a cause for concern but, instead, it brought me only superlative happiness.

This happiness, however, evaporated when I arrived back at my estate and found Sussex waiting for me: his face was ashen and his expression grave.
"Redwell, old chap," he muttered. "We need to talk."
"So I can see: you must have been waiting here hours since you didn't know when I'd be back."
"No, but I know where you've been. I need to ask you- for your own sake- to cut all ties with the Baroness Ruelli. You must- for your own safety."
I stared at Sussex with genuine bafflement. "What in the name of Britain are you talking about? The Baroness is certainly an unusual character, but I promise you that I'm perfectly safe around her!" For a moment, I wondered if Sussex knew of Ruelli's dabblings in the world of alchemy and of her threat (or warning) that she would end up gorging herself to mountainous proportions and would ravage the land in pursuit of the things that gave her pleasure. Could he know, somehow, that the lovely, sweet-tempered Ruelli believed herself to be a nightmare in human form? No: he was shaking his head sadly, and I saw no knowledge of her dark secrets in his face. This was about something else.
"I believe she's no threat to you," he confided. "It's her enemies you need to worry about. She's attracted the attention of witch-finders."
"What? Those mad bastards who go around burning scalds and wise-women because some idiot peasant accuses them of souring the local harvest? I was under the impression their activities had died out."
"No," said Sussex. "Merely died down awhile. They don't want the current monarch to retract the rights and privileges the last one afforded them, after all. But they're likely to break their period of repose if they think they might be able to burn your Baroness for witchcraft. They really hate her. They're putting out pamphlets suggesting that she has poisoned the King's mind. If you're associated with her when they make their move, you're likely to burn as well... where are you going?"
"I have to warn her," I called over my shoulder as I ran for the stables.

I didn't bother summoning a coach this time: I merely leapt atop the fastest horse in my possession and road like the blazes for Oxford, where the Baroness's estate lies. Sussex followed me as far as the gates of my own estate, calling vainly for me to come back, then gave it up as a bad job. I left the poor fellow in the dust.

*

I scarcely noticed the path ahead of me or the passage of time. I rode in a terrible and private tsunami of emotional distress. I paused only when my mount became exhausted and I was forced to swap it for a fresh mare at some inn or other along the road.

At last, I arrived at the Baroness's manor, where I sprang from the saddle and raced to the door. Not standing on ceremony, I shoved it open and sprinted inside calling Ruelli's name.
"Redwell? You've returned already?" The Baroness's pleasant, unpanicked tones reached me from one of her many feasting halls. I was in time, then: no attack had been made against her by the deranged mob of witch-hunters Sussex had told me about.
"Yes- I'm back," I called, allowing myself to relax. "I've come to warn you, love: you're in terrible danger."
A pause. Then: "Come in here, Redwell. I think you'll like what you see. You can tell me of this danger in a minute. I'm sure we have time."

So I went into the feasting hall and- Ruelli was right- I DID like what I saw. The Baroness had spent the time since my departure eating and- consequently- growing. She was naked aside from her jewellery and, even though she was standing, her belly rested comfortably on the floor. Her breasts were, similarly, almost satirically huge: each was so large it would have taken all my strength just to lift it (had I been inclined to try). Both rested on the vast shelf formed by her gut. Meanwhile, her buttocks formed similar shelf for her rolls of back-fat and her hips ballooned outward in an kissably vast curve. Even her beautiful, brightly-intelligent face had softened a little further and her delectable double-chin had grown enough to take over her neck. I couldn't tell you exactly how gigantic she had grown. Two tons? Four? At any rate, big enough that every door she had passed through since I left her had been ripped out of its place and replaced by a huge, jagged hole in the wall that roughly equated to her new dimensions. Big enough that every piece of furniture she had attempted to sit on had been reduced to splinters.
"You've... you've gained quite a bit in the few hours I've been gone." I said, marvelling at her impossible figure.
"I used the philosopher's stone again," she said, with a shrug. "And then again. And then a few more times after that. Once you promised not to desert me, regardless of what excesses I reached, I just couldn't help myself."
Reader, I gave in. I knew we were in danger; I knew I should be telling Ruelli the full details and impressing on her the need for immediate action... but I also knew that there were several extra tons of the woman I loved waiting to be explored, and felt, and experienced. The fat of her belly and love handles now stretched out so far in front and to the sides of her that I actually had to climb on to the shelf of her gut just to get close enough to her face to kiss her plump, smiling lips. After that, I cannot give you the details- once more, decency forbays it. Of course, we were in a hall filled with food, so I suppose I can share that I fed Ruelli more than a little during the course of our tryst. I don't think considerations of decency prevent me from telling you, also, that this may have added yet another metre or two to her already-expansive waist-line.

Of course, afterwards, we had to talk of less pleasant things: of the witch-finders and their foul plots. But Ruelli had been right: we did have time for a little pleasure, first....

***

DON'T FORGET TO TUNE IN FOR TOMORROW'S CHAPTER, IN WHICH RUELLI AND REDWELL FLEE ENGLAND AND RUELLI DISCOVERS AND INSATIABLE TASTE FOR EXOTIC CUISINE.