chapter 1 facing reality

"144 pounds," the doctor announced after toying with the scale. "Okay, Margaret, you can sit back down." Maggie hated when people used her full name.

She stepped off the scale and took a seat on the edge of the exam table, her face bright red despite her efforts to act natural. She knew she was getting fat, but she didn't realize just how big she had gotten until she heard the numbers. She felt like a fat mess, but in reality she had merely grown kind of chubby - it just felt like so much more weight than it was considering how thin she had been her whole life. The doctor returned to her desk to mark her findings and seemed concerned when comparing them to the results from Maggie's physical the year before.

"I have you down as being 121 pounds last year. Is that right?" She looked up from the paperwork to Maggie, who nodded slightly as she stared down at her dangling feet, hunched over in a futile effort to block the doctor's view of her soft belly. "I must say, that is concerning. I mean, that's a 23 pound gain, Margaret."

"I know," the embarrassed girl mumbled, annoyed by the observation. She hated how big she felt and didn't need this woman rubbing it in.

"Is everything okay at home?" the doctor asked out of concern for her patient's health. "Are you getting any exercise? Any major changes in your diet? That much of a gain doesn't usually happen on its own." She continued flipping through the file until she found what she was looking for. "It looks like you were always pretty steady the last few years: 119... 118... 121... now 144."

"Well, I mean, I stopped cheerleading last fall," Maggie added, not mentioning how lazy she had become since then. "So I'm not working out and stuff as much, I guess."

"Decreased physical activity can certainly lead to extra weight," the doctor agreed, jotting something in her notes. "You're only 22 years old, so you may just still be growing into your body, but I'd like you to keep an eye on this, ok?" Maggie shuttered at the idea that she may not be done 'growing into her body' but nodded in agreement as she quickly hopped down from the table and headed for the door, relieved to leave the suffocating awkwardness behind.

When she got home, Maggie made a beeline for her bedroom, but of course her mother was soon knocking at her door and entering without waiting for a response. She was famous for doing that, and it was at the top of the long list of things Maggie hated about living at home with her parents.

"What did the doctor say?" her mother asked.

"Nothing really," Maggie replied, clearly not interested in discussing it further.

"Well, did he say something was wrong?"

"No," Maggie said, annoyed. "Nothing is wrong with me."

"Good," her mother said, unsure of what else to say about the worrying changes in her daughter's figure. "Are you sure you're alright? We worry about you, you know."

"I'm fine, mom."

"You always say that," her mother said with the same concerned look she had given her daughter countless times since she returned from college. "If you want to talk about it, I'm right down the hall." With that she left, closing the door behind her. Maggie knew she meant well, but she just wished her mother would be more like her father, who shied away from talking about her weight gain.

With her mother gone, Maggie plopped down in front of her computer like she usually did. This wasn't exactly the way she pictured her life turning out. She had hoped to get a job and her own place shortly after she graduated from college in May, but now it was August and she was still working in a dull office while looking for the dream job that would take her away from this town. She wanted to move somewhere more exciting, perhaps nearby Philadelphia, but that dream was on hold as she tried to scrape together money from her meager paychecks.

Maggie spent a lot of her time surfing around social networking sites and checking in on old friends. Her own profile hadn't changed much as of late, especially the pictures - she didn't want people to see how badly she had let herself go. She scrolled through the faces on a few social media sites and came across Ashley Kirkland, an old high school classmate and fellow cheerleader. They were kind of the "it" girls back then, especially popular with the boys, and it was often joked that they looked like sisters given their similar looks. While they had a sort of friendly, unspoken rivalry throughout high school, Maggie knew the battle was over as she looked at some of Ashley's recent pictures.

"Well, you didn't get fat, so I guess you won," she muttered to Ashley's slim, smiling face on the screen.

It had always been easy for Maggie to stay in great shape despite never being a particularly healthy eater. She had been a cheerleader from a very young age, and kept at it through college, cheering for the football team in the fall and the basketball team in the winter. She hadn't realized it was such a great workout at the time; she was too busy having fun. She knew now, though, that all those long practices, running around and performing routines, were what had kept her in great shape. Without cheer practice to keep her in line, all the drinking and late night snacking one does in college had reshaped her into the size she probably should have been all along, given her habits. She flirted with the idea of taking dance classes as a way to stay in shape, but she told herself she didn't have the extra money to spend. She was full of excuses like that yet still found the money to go out to bars on the weekends with the girls from work. Getting drunk was a fun escape from the ho-hum life she was living, but the next morning always left her hung over and feeling sorry for herself.

She sent Ashley a message on her social media page, just a simple "hey, what's up?" After a few minutes with no response, she realized that, unlike herself, Ashley probably had better things to do than sit on the computer all night. Depressed, she reached into the bottom drawer of her desk and pulled out a half-eaten bag of potato chips, reverting to her old routine and shoveling greasy chips into her mouth. She knew her eating habits were becoming a problem, but she blocked that out and took comfort in the junk food.

After wiping her greasy hand on her pants, she typed "weight gain issues" into the search engine, hoping for some inspiration. She had tried this search a million different ways over the past few months, reading anything that looked like it might help stop her weight gain or at least help her cope with it better. Though she knew her laziness and poor eating habits were the likely culprits, she was desperate to find some other reason for her gain, one that wasn't her fault. Unfortunately, her searches offered no solutions beyond diet and exercise, which she couldn't seem to motivate herself to try. She was such a hypocrite and she knew it. She constantly started diets, telling herself that each one would be the one to finally work, but she always ended up giving in to her cravings. She found herself munching on snacks at all hours of the day, something she never used to do. She wished there was a way to keep that good feeling that comfort food gave her without the extra pounds that came with it.

Polishing off the last of her chips, she leaned back in her chair and pulled up the front of her shirt to stare at the unflattering changes she was going through. She didn't have a big gut or anything, but the softness that covered her middle was a far cry from the toned stomach she remembered having not so long ago. As she often did, she thought back to what her body used to be: cute butt, C cup breasts... she had a bikini body to die for and could feel all the boys' eyes trained on her at the pool. She thought she would always have that killer body... she felt so in control back then.

A message from Ashley popped up on her screen: "hey. sorry about not answering I was out with some friends. lets catch up soon!" Great, Ashley was out having fun with her new friends while Maggie spent her Thursday night home alone. She looked at the clock and realized she had wasted another day at her computer, groaning at the thought of having to be at work by 9:00 AM. Before she got ready for bed, Maggie clicked once more through all the pictures of Ashley partying with friends and cute guys. That used to be her, back when she was the center of attention. Now all that confidence was lost. She laid a hand on her soft belly, wishing she could feel in control again.