Chapter 1

‘Listen, I think you’re really sweet, but…I don’t know how to say this. I…you’ve put on a few pounds and…I don’t think we can go out anymore.’ I was a sophomore in high school. Head cheerleader Katie Geraldo had asked me out a little over two months ago. I was excited, shocked, and elated that a girl wanted to date me.

She was pretty, and I wondered why I didn’t want to have sex with her. Guys at school asked if I “had hit that” and I wasn’t going to lie and say I had. They called Katie a bitch for holding out on me and I didn’t get it. Why is it alright to get angry with a girl for not wanting to have sex, but when she does she’s a whore?

Anyway, I should have wanted to sleep with her. I should have called her a stuck up bitch for not putting out, but I didn’t care. I was on the football team, easy on the eyes, and somewhat popular. She liked hugging and kissing, but I think I was supposed to be the one who initiated something sexual.

I had been getting bigger, but it wasn’t like I was some super fit, muscle god. I was tall and beefy. We’d been dating since November and I had put on my usual holiday weight. I mean, doesn’t everybody? She dumped me in January.

Word spread around school and my popularity took a nosedive. Katie fucking Geraldo ruined my life. Someone told me she said it was like making out with a big, overfed bull. It became customary for people to poke me in the stomach and hold up their fingers like horns.

I became really depressed and gained more weight, making the teasing worse. I don’t even think they were trying to be mean, they were just joking. The summer before my junior year I committed myself to losing all of the weight and really bulking up.

I had abs and everything. I’ll admit, I became a bit vain, but things came crashing down once again. I figured out why I didn’t feel normal sexual urges towards Katie and other girls interested in me. I was gay.

I hadn’t dated since Katie, and I refused to date while I was still in high school. My grades had been decent, but then they dropped senior year. I quit the football team and got them back up. High school was not a good place for me and in college I finally got to spread my wings.

Workouts stayed on my list of top priorities and I managed to avoid the typical freshman 15. I hadn’t met anyone. I barely knew how to operate the straight dating scene, let alone the gay one. College started to become just as lonely as high school was.

I had met a really nice guy. His name was Todd and he actually talked to me. I couldn’t believe it, guys never talked to me. I mean, I still had loads of girls coming up to me, but I always declined.

After we had graduated, we moved in together into a cozy little apartment. I kept up my workouts, more for my relationship’s sake than my own. Todd would try and convince me I spent too much time at the gym and that I didn’t have to work out so hard if I didn’t want too. Yeah right, as soon as I’d gain a few pounds it would be just like with Katie.

He was a total dork and I loved it. He’d make cheesy jokes and talk about math and grammar and monster movies. Who does that? Our life together couldn’t have been going more smoothly. I came out to everyone that mattered to me in my life and I had a steady job working in construction.

I had just gotten in from the gym. Todd and I had been together for three and a half years. He looked upset and then I started to get upset. I sat down on the couch next to him. He looked at me and I looked away. It was bad news.

“What is it?” I asked a bit harshly. “Come on, tell me.”

“You…you don’t have to yell at me.” He said, his face losing color. I hadn’t meant to yell. His aloofness had made me a bit irritable.

“I’m…I’m sorry.”

“Do you remember before we graduated…that program I applied for? The one that would allow me to teach English in China for a year?” We hadn’t heard back from them so we just moved on with our lives. He couldn’t possibly be telling me he was going to do it, and I knew I had to encourage him in whatever decision he made.

“You…are you…” He looked at me and smiled.

“I couldn’t leave you.” He said. “I don’t think I’d even consider it anymore. We’ve built so much together and I couldn’t just walk away from it all.”

“I want you to go.” I had to be a good boyfriend. I had to not show him my selfish side…the side of me that wanted to keep him locked away where I’d never have to worry about him leaving me. “Seriously, you should totally do it.”