chapter 4

This proved easier said than done. Once back at college, surrounded by fatty foods and with no one to push me on, my will soon gave out. Within weeks I'd slipped back into my old habits. Back to living off cheap snacks and greasy junk food.
I was ashamed of what I'd done to my body. I'd worked so hard to be thin and now I was throwing it all away. I just couldn't seem to stop myself. My willpower had deserted me.
My confidence plummeted. I'd built my entire sense of self around being thin and fit. Now I was neither. Slowly I started to isolate myself. I stopped going out. I spent my days indoors with only my precious fatty foods for company. I spent my time on my fat butt, my eyes glued to some shiny screen or other.
When mom called I would tell her I was doing well. I'd lie and say that I was losing weight, that I was exercising and watching my meals. As soon as she hung up I'd head on over to the fridge, grab whatever food I could find and binge. I'd stuff myself until I was too full to take another bite. Then I just let myself drift off to sleep.
I felt guilty about lying. But I was desperate for mom not to be ashamed of me.
Once summer rolled around 80 brand new, soft, squishy pounds had found their way onto my figure. When finally I found the courage to weigh myself I found I was well over 200 pounds.
The thin, confident, stylish girl that had arrived on campus a year ago was gone. In her place was an insecure fat girl who spent her days shut in her room with only food for company. My cute clothes were now hopelessly small on my full figure. No matter how hard I might pull my jeans would not fit over my swollen hips. Nor would my top cover the doughy rolls of my belly. I'd taken to wearing roomy sweats, stretchy leggings, and large t-shirts to cover my flabby physique.
When I looked in my mirror I saw a plain-looking, poorly dressed fat girl. My face had filled out. Its contours now lost to round cheeks and a pronounced second chin. My butt had widened and lost any hint of firmness. My shapely buttocks had turned to jellylike bags of soft flab. My belly had started to hang, my love handles drooped along my sides. My boobs hadn't grown much. They'd lost their perkiness and were starting to sag. The strong, slender reflection I'd been so proud of was gone. Now all I could see was fat.
I couldn't face my mom like this. I decided not to go home over the summer. Perhaps I could find a job to help pay the rent.